Frakenpeep

My immune system is rebellion. I feel like a slug.

One Million Faces

I am in the first 28! What What!

A little bird did sing man has no choice when he wants everything

I wish I were the one designing the Olympic uniforms. I mean, really, how much fun to be able to go crazy with the stripes and stars, as gaudy as you please, and no one could say a thing because then they would be un-patriotic. I would require stars to be tattooed on the Olympians foreheads. I want to see commitment, people! I am going to make up my own Olympian sport. I think I will be able to bump out the biathlon (is that even how you spell it? Oh, small tangent about spelling. I know you all will be shocked but in Sunday school this week, I was the only one that knew how to spell Synecdoche. Booyakasha.). Picture this: Cross country skiing, paint ball crossbows, capture the flag. Done. Most awesome sport ever. Everyone will be swathed in white, to blend in with the snow. Yep, let's start a petition. If ice dancing exists, so can this.

Speaking of work, it stinks. The general feeling is that the Boss wants to fire everyone and start over. And he thinks he can demand so much from people and not be nice because unemployment is high and we are apparently desperate to keep our jobs. I have one word for you Mr. Boss, Karma. Karma is the name of the dragon that is going to eat you for cosmic dinner. And then you will be reborn as a .... something he really doesn't like. Um, anyone or anything that isn't him. We need to do a new sage burning or something cause there is some bad juju.

It has been gently snowing all weekend and we are cloaked in grey. It's nice to have cold gloomy days when you can stay inside. I am now going to work, to film a blip for our clinic TV about what I do. I imagine I will regret this video every day that I am at work (which is every day). Thankfully I have some previous acting experience (see Elizabeth neighboorhood video done by the city of Charlotte. That's right, that cute voiceover is me. Autographs? Sure, why not, only cause you are my friends).

The panda dinner was funny. Held at the wildlife experience, sort of a nature museum, we were able to look around and see exhibits. But then there was also a lot of awkard chatting and mingling. Thankfully I am good at that. The best part was when the speaker during our meal started putting up slides of mating pandas and panda anal glands. Awesome. And then my boss's wife, after dinner at this formal event, pulled out a bag of sunflower seeds and her own tea. By the end of the night her tea saucer had a small mountain of seed shells. Oh, and Troy, my most picky of co-workers, definately stuck her tongue out at the dinner. Sure, there was a little cheese and the vegetables weren't raw, but can we please show a little class? Must we stick our tongues out at our food like children and make faces? I am only asking for a little effort, folks. The evening ended with a Chinese lion dance, which was my favorite part. The lions were manned by kids and they would come up and try to eat your head. Fun times.

The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what we share with someone when we are uncool.

Oh, you saw that giant scratch on my foot? Yeah, that one that stings and looks like road rash. That's from where I fell off the treadmill at the gym this morning, with hundreds of people watching. Okay, no one was really watching, but its hard to stop blushing, catch your breath, keep running, and pretend like nothing happened. Play it cool girl, play it cool.

Today I am roosting. Cooking (blueberry pastries, spinach soup, earl grey tea), hemming dresses (I chopped one off WAY too short (this is why I need a dress maniquien) but I will redeem it with some trim thatTiffany sent me), watching Almost Famous (I am a golden god!), waiting to head to the Panda Benefit Dinner with my coworkers (Is a panda costume required?), and I think I will be taking a nap. Oh, sweet Saturday!

Good news!

My roommates boyfriend fixed my car for me! I am going to buy that boy a giant pizza. Maybelle has risen from the dead, at least for now! On to Sound of Music rehearsal and the rest of my weekend!

I was staring at the stars, just looking for a sign

I am at work and my car has refused to start yet again. again. I have everything I need to fix it, just not the time. I am going to clean the battery posts now, in the dark, in the snow. It is more funny then depressing. I expect that it will be depressing in 15 minutes when I can't feel my hands. Oh Maybelle, how bitter is your betrayal!

Today we celebrate the birth of the poet, artist, photographer, writer, kind-hearted, philosopher, genius, creative, handsome lil brother of mine. Hooray!!

I stumbled across this while looking for a sign for our clinic. Awesome.

Tim Tam Slam Okay, this guy does the tim tam demonstration much better than I could. And he is Australian, so it's authentic.

Cool. For homework, everyone much go out and Tim Tam Slam and send me a photo of you with your face covered with gooey chocolate.

I plan to come up with my own version of the Tim Tam Slam. I know you are excited. I think I will call it the Christa Crush.

"If you want to live a life of meaning and purpose you have to discern what your actions indicate about where your values lie - then you have to be willing to change and evolve without fear"

"If you redefine the success of a shelter in terms of health and happiness, your shelter becomes a participatory environment that invites you to interact in its operation"


On the way to San Francisco, they offered Cheese Curds as a snack option for the incredible price of $3. Yes please.

I was reading, on the flight to San Fran, a homesteading/ living-off-the grid/ build your own house book that a co-worker lent me. I have drawn over a dozen sketches of the house I want to build myself, complete with garden plans and composting toilet. I can't wait (!) for this dream to be a reality. I plan to build a house (albeit a small, cozy cabinish affair) with my own two hands. And with a lot of help from friends. House-raising party anyone? I have decided that I have a great brain and it is tired of being lazy. I have full confidence in my ability to learn how to run a house efficiently on solar panels and what not, and to understand how wiring a house works. I am too inventive and creative to just get by flipping switches and being warm without giving any thought to how it all happens. I, of course, will not electrocute myself or bite off more than I can chew (building a house is totally within the realm of things I can accomplish). How exciting! Who wants to go in on some communal property with me. We can share the tractor.

A word about Tim Tam Slams. It is amazing how good form can transform a mediocre cookie into a sublime experience. These cookies, I think the brand is Argnotts, can be found in World Market. What you do is brew yourself a hot cup of tea. Then bite off the opposite corners of the cookie (just a nibble). Then stick one corner into the tea and suck the tea through the cookie from the other corner. Just as the tea is starting to reach your mouth, pop the whole number into mouth and enjoy the blissful, melty, gooey goodness. I will provide a pictorial lesson soon.

Today I announced, to Marcy's horror, that I am a punctuation pluralist: we are all going in the same direction and it doesn't really matter how we get there, with or without commas. I got her some cold water after she revived from her faint.

I am planning to infiltrate the office's communication system with some imaginary memos. Here is an example:

Memo 5698: Interoffice referrals

In order to facilitate better usage of practitioner referral coupons (please refer to memo 5003), coupons will be stapled to clients ear lobe until redeemed. This is an extension of our auricular acupuncture program and should increase returning patient appointments.

Please contact me with any questions.

Christa Oakes, CNC
Acupuncture Health Manager and Lifestyle Educator

I also have written a memo to my hair today.

Memo 5699: Non compliant Coif

It has come to my attention that you feel that you do not have to comply with the current Office Dress Code titled: "Trying to Look Normal and Not Like Daryl Hannah From Clan of the Cave Bears" I have included a picture for your reference since clearly you take no notice of what is reflected in the mirror.

I will offer you other cinema actresses to draw inspiration from. Grace Kelly. Cate Blancett. Rita Hayworth. Even a classic Jennifer Anistan would suffice. I am not even asking for anything Rapunzel-esque. Correct this situation or you will be sent home.

Thanks,

Christa

Weather: Fair
Demeanor: Fair
Mood: Fair
Complexion: Fair
Where I wish I was instead of work: the Fair

My entire work place has gone hard core vegetarian. Like, vegan. The usual superiorism has been kicked up a notch. Chef Shu examines my lunch, but for the opposite reason. She insists I need meat and white rice in order to grow big and strong. I can't please anyone.

The main reason I am writing is to encourage you, my fellow bloggers, to write more frequently. Your wit, humor, stories about life are the only bright spots in my work day, where my only window stares into an acupuncture room. I work 12 hours a day, I need entertainment! I can only plan so many menus, write so many memos before my eyeballs melt!

I don't like getting up early for those first 3-5 minutes just after I force myself out of bed. After that, I am always glad to awake. I woke up extra early to go to Brian's 'Elegant Agility' class (yes, please, I want some of that) that started at 6:30 am. Ugh. But once on the road, all was well and the class was fantastic. He breaks down the movements so you are only concentrating on one little thing and then at the end he puts it all together and voila - elegant agility. Actually, I think the name of the class is terribly silly but I like it all the same.

Waking up early also reminds me I can do anything I want. So often I cop out and hit the snooze button but, wait! There are so many benefits (and a great sense of accomplishment) to be reaped from a little discipline and sacrifice. Shocking.

A note needs to be added for my latest addiction (this is in the category of Things-Lacking-In-Self-Discipline): Marcy always has a stash of chocolate covered pomegranates in her drawer. Yes, that's right, chocolate covered pomegranates. The are an edible form of Meth, crack cocaine, and heaven wrapped up into one sweet little ball of joy. And you can't stop eating them until you have the inevitable stomach ache that follows such an indulgence. Does my stomach hurt now? Yes. Will I go eat another handful before I go home? Yes.

And I had two interesting dreams (don't get bored, I work at a place where dream analysis is big. On another interesting tangent, I definitely overheard a conversation where two of my co-workers talked about their psychic connections with their cats. Yes.). Dream one: First dream EVER where I successfully revisited the Tennyson center, was working with kids, and felt in control and not afraid for my life. And, in my dream, I almost drove a bus into some giant gravel crater. Dream 2: In this dream everyone slept on washing machines instead of beds and all the machines were lined up and we were all sleeping and I was annoyed because the lady next to me was resting her head on my feet. And I got yelled at for using too much electricity.

she's fighting with the sky, she thinks she can

I had my newest adventure this evening.

I went to my first roller derby practice. Though, it was hardly derby and more learn-how-to-skate-so-you-don't-die-or-severely-maim-yourself-you-silly-girl-who-can't-skate.

I was terrified when I rolled up to the wagon wheel skating rink, with its back woods location, dirt parking lot, and the dank smell cow dung clogging up my senses. And I remembered what my indefatigable sense of confidence (aka life through Christa's rose-colored glasses, complete with sound track and movie crew) had removed from my mind: I haven't skated since my 16th birthday party.

Overall, I did pretty well. I moved like a granny, only fell twice, have some serious bruises on my knees, and am kind of addicted. The girls were all really nice and helpful; Fonda Pain had some good tips about my stance and Wicked Sister taught me how to skull. Next week: knee pads and more speed.

I have decided my derby name will be Calamity. Fitting, no?

The Curing Cake or I Really Need A Piece of Chocolate Fudge Cake

Tonight I decided to make a cake.

I think it's a splendid thing to do when you get all riled up. When I get all riled up.

Also, I saw a movie where the gal made a chocolate cake and I really wanted a slice.

I took nigella's chocolate fudge cake and added a Christa twist. I love reading nigella's recipes, she has such a sense of humor. For example, for servings she says "Serves 10 or 1 with a broken heart."

The twist is a banana and walnut custard filling.

Yum!

Sorry you aren't here for a slice!

Tonight driving home, on the side of the road by my house, was a truck full of construction and caution signs, the kind with lights on top, and they were flashing silently, even though there was no one to warn.

Today I actually felt good at my job and more energized at the end of my day than I have been in a long time.

Marcy said she would go to a movie with me tomorrow, I think out of pity. But I will take it. I have been avoiding my home a bit, the solitude. It gets a a little heavy.

Running makes me happy. Today it made me feel free and thankful. Though not yet fast.

I also want to be a chef tonight. I want to have a shop called the Soup Spot and we will serve delicious soup, mini-pies and popsicles in the summer. The walls will be light blue and mint green and there will be wide white trimmed windows that slide open to let in the breeze. There will be a garden in the back. I will wear yellow ribbons in my hair that match my apron. And my face will hurt from smiling.

new obsession: long underwear under long skirts with boots. Hand me a bonnet and send me out the door.

I have had my third night of angry dreams in a row.

The first was a musical dream, where a haphazard ensemble was supposed to play together (one piano, two electric pianos, a saxophone, a drum set, and me, on cello) but no one knew what was going on and there was no time to practice and no one would listen and I was so very ANGRY.

The second took place in my old church's gym and it was Christmas. We were supposed to put on some sort of Nativity/ 12 days of Christmas/ Drummer boy performance but, again, had no time to get ready and no one was listening and it was pure chaos and I was so very ANGRY.

Last night I dreamt that I was living at a homeless shelter and this one girl kept trying to kill me. She was huge and every time she would come for me, I wasn't scared, I just took her down in some of the moves I learned from my child restraining years. I dragged her to the manager's office and calmly explained that I had no reason to hurt her, that her anger was irrational, if she would just tell me what was wrong we could fix the problem. But no, she just kept coming for me and I kept taking her down. She was the angry one in that dream. I was just wearily resigned to continually throwing her on the ground. Like, I would be in the middle of a conversation, she would sneak up on me, I would twist her into a pretzel, and say nonchalantly "Sorry, she is just this girl that keeps trying to kill me."

So, this means I am angry, right?

It is -2 degrees outside and all I want to do is curl up in bed with my book and hot cocoa. But I have a long, long day ahead. And a long day tomorrow. Then I can rest.

cue heart attack, nervous breakdown, and brain implosion

My boss just emailed from his vacation in Costa Rica that he has tons of ideas for the book and he can't wait to get started on it again.

Marcy told me as a joke but then understood from the harrowed desperation in my eyes that I don't think its funny.

She says the book has to sell because its her retirement and that I am the key to making the book sell. I say that I will be a sad little old lady, alone for the rest of my life, doomed to being a ghost writer for other people's stories, never having a story of my own, if this book continues.