you don't have no words

there is an underpass right before 285, about five minutes from the mountain cabin, that always has cars parked under it. a wide variety of cars no less, from semi's to trucks to small sedans. why, i ask, why are they there? is there some secret underpass club? i think the theory of their cars being unable to drive the road is void because i definitely have seen some sturdy 4 wheel drives out there. it is a mystery but one that drives me crazy. what are you all doing?

i am very awkwardly situated in this coffee shop, i needed to plug in my computer but the only place to do it is with my cord precariously stretching across the entrance to the men's restrooms. the women are able to delicately walk around, but with each male going to the restroom, there is an awkward pause and step. sorry friends.

i am excited/ terrified about having to find a new job. but there is something exhilarating about being able to choose something new. i know i hate being obligated and tied down to a certain commitment, i really struggling with even a year commitment.

what am i to become?

plan of action/attack for revision of colorado mountain experience:
1. quit job (end date of feb 5th)
2. have party to celebrate end of job
3. obtain sweet position as administrative assistant at iliff (and if that falls through, become an exceptional nanny)
4. establish regular volunteering experience (somthing low key and involving international refugees-only once a week)
5. find some musical outlet that normal job hours will allow, either through church or some sort of local orchestra action
6. communal living with Decker-smith familial unit

i will give notice today but the thought of doing so has allowed me to breath for the first time in months.

please send out some prayers on my behalf



i am also considering just becoming a baker.

life is but a quick succession of busy nothings.


puttering, wondering, wandering fill my days.

i am going to move on from my job, this is pretty certain....i think.

as so many people have been telling me, there is just no reason to be as miserable as i am right now and that it is so easy to find a job where i can sleep at night, be at peace, and rest.

i almost feel like the fact that this job has turned me into a wreck of human being makes me weak, insubstantial and unable to handle the reality fo the world. like, i always internally think of myself as a warrior or able to handle anything. but that is clearly not the case. but maybe the job hasn't really turned me into a wreck but has simply revealed the wreck that i already was. am. ?

yesterday the sermon was on love and fear and how fear, not hatred, is the opposite of love. so true. i feel like fear is often the defining emotion of my life currently.


meanwhile, it is lovely to have wonderful women around me. in addition to the marvelous megan, exceptional elisabeth and radient rachel have been chillin in our hood.


megan's youth group girls spent the night at our cabin and there was some amazing midnight sleding going on. the best part is that when we went inside to sleep we threw tons of water on it so it would ice over. the next morning i went down in my pajamas and nearly died. it was amazing. there may be some pictures.

hello.

my employers would be glad to know that i am very stubborn and thus will not quit my job. because i will win in the end! but what victory is there to be had?

i am sitting in a coffee shop (yay) with bad paintings (love it) waiting for rachel (hooray!!!). i ordered a sandwich to eat but really it is no good- the beautiful simplicity of an apple and brie sandwich destroyed by the audaciousness of honey mustard spread. what were they thinking!!

clearly my life is very full of things to talk about, that i lead off my blog with a dissertation on what lies between the bread.

there is a program with denver urban garden project that gives away free seeds to people in the community-isn't that amazing. i am pondering if i could get the kids to garden, but its not likely. hmmm, i might try to order some on our behalf anyway.

the picture beside me is a collage of a giant fly, framed in an altar-esque tri-fold thingy titled the plague. i think they were trying to be deep but i feel they are just stating the obvious.

i am still waiting for a natural disaster, a cry from the dessert, the voice of God, or a plane crash into a tropical island to define my future for me so i would not have to wonder any longer what my purpose, talents, determination, and overall greatness are being stored up for.

my phone is locked and i don't know how to unlock it.

if you ever want a quick lesson in humility, work with kids. oh how they look into your soul and reflect what is there.

my cat is out to destroy me. last night, among her many mischievous acts while we slept, she again destroyed all toilet paper in sight and ate a stick of butter i unfortunately left on the counter. alas.

the corporate/ therapy lingo of my work setting has invaded my everyday conversation. when not feeling so hot i actually say i need to 'take space' or am going to read as a 'coping skill' or i yell at the cat for not saying 'standby' as she should before she goes anywhere. One of the most interesting things about where i work is that i am very conscious about practising what i preach to the kids, about taking care of oneself in various ways--i am very aware of what i should be doing to accomplish this. Ironic that my co-workers gave me some constructive criticism that i need to take more breaks because i keep working myself to my breaking point, which is not helpful to the children or myself. true that, i can definitely take more breaks.

last night megan, eric, and i went to see a musician at this great little bar called little bear. there was an ironic contrast between the bras hanging en mass above the stage and the heart felt acoustical stylings of the artist we went to see. it made me giggle. i also think this dude is a reflection of my brother in 25 years.

i really am glad i live with megan. i did not know i would enjoy it as much as i do ;) i feel i will have a lot to learn this election season.

swallow the very words you call your own

dear readers:

due to lack of internet, energy, information, and inclination i have not written in many days, my apologies.

things of interest:
Rachel arrives in a mere three days (**much rejoicing**)
I am wearing my favorite cat shoes
I love my cat, whose affections strayed with the many visitors that arrived at the mountain home, but now she has no alternative but to return to me for snuggles, treats, and tummy rubs. excellent
Work is hard but life is good. oh why do i always have to take the hard road when at this moment i could be a receptionist or a clerk
I drink more and more coffee with each passing day

again i am seized by a feeling so distinct and rare... i know exactly what i need to do.

leave the country.

and it doesn't even matter where.

hello new year.

i herald in the year by working an extra shift. woot woot.

but then i got to come home to Megan, Lost, and Mozzarella sticks. hooray!!

Already i think this january is looking up compared to last years January (the month is 2/3 longer when one is in Alamosa, its the truth) especially when we have so many visitors coming. excellent.

while watching Lost i have come up with the following conclusions:
1. i would be really good at being stranded on an island
2. if i cannot find an island to be stranded on, a farm is the next best thing.


i wanted to post pictures from the holidays but i cannot find my connector cord. alas.

i had a dream last night that i was a brilliant snow boarder. i am going next monday. i will keep you posted.

haven kimmel is my new favorite author. sorry robin mckinley.

i have witnessed a changing of the guard here at panera. the old ladies have all left and now the business folks are moving in. i know they are jealous that i wear no suit and get to go to work in jeans and plaid -- of course they don't get spit on and attacked with mops. its a trade off.

i have discovered through my work in recent weeks that the thing that absolutely sets me off and is my biggest button that the kids can push is cruel mockery of other children or myself. i cannot stand it. i hate being laughed at.

i think a smoke detector is going off here. how exciting.

i am off to run errands, pick up packages, buy snow boarding pants. its all about looking like you know what you are doing.

peace out yo.