The house is quiet and there is a thunderstorm outside and it is lovely. Another day not as productive as it should of been....meaning I worked on my own projects instead of the ones I should have been committing time too- I sanded down my new table (its beautiful), cleaned my room, the kitchen, sat on the porch reading until the clouds rolled in and now it is grey and green outside. Its a deluge, it never rains this hard.
I am watching a film in spanish and it makes me really want to learn.
"How we spend our days is how we spend our lives." - Annie Dillard
"I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather my sparks should burn out in a blaze than it should be stifled by dry-rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnifivent glow, than asleep and permanent as a planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them. I shall use my time." - Jack London.
"If I had my life to live over again, I'd try to make more mistakes next time. I would relax. I would limber up. I would be sillier than I have been this trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I would be crazier. I would be less hygenic. I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets. I would burn more gasoline. I would eat more ice cream and fewer beans. I would have more actual problems and fewer imaginary ones." - Nadine Stair
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
There is a fox on our porch. He has been hanging out there for a while and just now he was checking out the bird feeder. I am slightly concerned about his boldness but mostly just enjoy seeing him trot about.
I am spending the day doing nothing, I just slept about 4 hours and am now just sitting. I have a lot of things to do, but for now I am going to plead ignorance and live in denial. I love denial.
I have some exciting up events in the frosty Antarctic landscape that is my adult social life:
1. Amy is coming! and will spend the summer in Breckenridge, which is close enough for frequent visits. Sweet!
2. I am dragging Amy along for 14er stewardship training. That's right, we are going to be trained to steward the mountains. Kind of makes me feel like an Ent. And I will get to use my new tent.
3. I am going to start volunteering at a garden with homeless youth once a week. I am really excited since my garden of a week is already 50% dead. At least if I am gardening while encouraging youth, there may a greater likelihood of some positive outcomes outside of my black thumb.
4. I bought a bargain of a table at the thrift store- it can seat up to ten people and is ideal for nertz. I also get to use my new power tool to fix it up- the power sander is a beautiful thing.
I just made myself carrot soup and it was delicious. I make great carrot soup.
I have come to the conclusion that being alone too much can really mess with your perspective/head/view of life and the universe. When the loudest voice you hear is always your own, well, you know, that's not good. At least in my case. I have been thinking a lot about losing yourself to find yourself and what that means. Basically, thinking about myself and what I need and what I think is wrong with me all the time is 1. depressing 2. unproductive 3. annoying. Clearly.
I am spending the day doing nothing, I just slept about 4 hours and am now just sitting. I have a lot of things to do, but for now I am going to plead ignorance and live in denial. I love denial.
I have some exciting up events in the frosty Antarctic landscape that is my adult social life:
1. Amy is coming! and will spend the summer in Breckenridge, which is close enough for frequent visits. Sweet!
2. I am dragging Amy along for 14er stewardship training. That's right, we are going to be trained to steward the mountains. Kind of makes me feel like an Ent. And I will get to use my new tent.
3. I am going to start volunteering at a garden with homeless youth once a week. I am really excited since my garden of a week is already 50% dead. At least if I am gardening while encouraging youth, there may a greater likelihood of some positive outcomes outside of my black thumb.
4. I bought a bargain of a table at the thrift store- it can seat up to ten people and is ideal for nertz. I also get to use my new power tool to fix it up- the power sander is a beautiful thing.
I just made myself carrot soup and it was delicious. I make great carrot soup.
I have come to the conclusion that being alone too much can really mess with your perspective/head/view of life and the universe. When the loudest voice you hear is always your own, well, you know, that's not good. At least in my case. I have been thinking a lot about losing yourself to find yourself and what that means. Basically, thinking about myself and what I need and what I think is wrong with me all the time is 1. depressing 2. unproductive 3. annoying. Clearly.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Rocky Mountain National Park
Road Trip Stats:
Elk:37
Moose: 2 and 1 false alarm that brought many feminine screams of delight.
Birds- in flight: 7, roosted: 7
Cloud Formations: 1, blanket
Bikes- Motor: 29, Manual: 139
Storybook Settings: 5
Roadkil: 1
Lowlanders*:4
Snow: Lots
Scary Drivers: 8 (you don't stop in the middle of the one-lane mountain road no matter how beautiful the scenary is)
Scary People: 1
Perky People: 3 (One of these perky peeps overlapped with scary- the cheery starbucks girl who, I swear, had coffee flowing through her veins instead of blood.)
*Lowlanders: individuals inappropriately dressed or displaying inappropriate behavior for high altitudes betraying their sea-level status)
Elk:37
Moose: 2 and 1 false alarm that brought many feminine screams of delight.
Birds- in flight: 7, roosted: 7
Cloud Formations: 1, blanket
Bikes- Motor: 29, Manual: 139
Storybook Settings: 5
Roadkil: 1
Lowlanders*:4
Snow: Lots
Scary Drivers: 8 (you don't stop in the middle of the one-lane mountain road no matter how beautiful the scenary is)
Scary People: 1
Perky People: 3 (One of these perky peeps overlapped with scary- the cheery starbucks girl who, I swear, had coffee flowing through her veins instead of blood.)
*Lowlanders: individuals inappropriately dressed or displaying inappropriate behavior for high altitudes betraying their sea-level status)
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
I had forgotten the name of all four of the boxcar children until I looked them up... it was Jessie that eluded me, I kept thinking she was Jill or Julie. Benny, Violet, Henry, and Jessie. Remember how they all had favorite colors...Benny always had a red something, Violet a (duh) violet something, Jessie a blue something, and Henry ...shoot, what is Henry's favorite color?
Yesterday I went and worked on the book with Paul and co. It was more fun than I anticipated, probably because I am not as invested as the rest of the crowd, so I can relax a bit.
Here is some more evidence of my Saturday productivity, in random order:
planting plants, a visiting elk (Andrew thought it was our animal because it was in the corral...no silly, they just play there), my re-done $5 dresser
Yesterday I went and worked on the book with Paul and co. It was more fun than I anticipated, probably because I am not as invested as the rest of the crowd, so I can relax a bit.
Here is some more evidence of my Saturday productivity, in random order:
planting plants, a visiting elk (Andrew thought it was our animal because it was in the corral...no silly, they just play there), my re-done $5 dresser
Thursday, May 14, 2009
A Biased and Incomplete Dissection of the Personalities of Letters:
A: Generally Honest but known to be a Bit Elitist and Aloof.
C: No-nonsense and Straight To the Point Demeanor that can be mistaken for a Lack of Tact.
D: Not to be taken Too Seriously, Ponderous and Slow to make Decisions.
E: Charming and Lovely in Every Way, especially when followed closely by L (Elves, Elm, Elevator, Elephant etc.)
F: Slow to Trust and too Clever for Her Own Good.
G: Good-Natured, makes Friends Easily, Smiles Often.
H: The Life of the Party but Generally Clueless.
I: Oblivious to the Needs of Others.
J: Likes Privacy and tends to be Elusive.
K: Revengeful and Unforgiving.
L: Shy and Quiet, tends to stay Behind the Scenes but Has the ability to Shine.
M: Nurturing and caring, loves to spend time outside.
O: "Cup- Half-Full" Attitude, always seeing the Silver Lining.
Q: Marches to Own Drummer, Independent.
S: Suspicious and Not to be Trusted, especially when Followed by a C (Scary, Scales, School).
T: Strong, used to Being Right, Strong Moral Compass.
V: Seductive and Flirtatious, Loves to be the Center of Attention.
W: Grounded and Serious, Only Speaks when he has something of Importance to Share.
Y: Energetic and Spontaneous, often avoids Responsibilities.
Z: Enthusiastically pursues one Thing at a Time with Intense Single-mindedness.
A: Generally Honest but known to be a Bit Elitist and Aloof.
C: No-nonsense and Straight To the Point Demeanor that can be mistaken for a Lack of Tact.
D: Not to be taken Too Seriously, Ponderous and Slow to make Decisions.
E: Charming and Lovely in Every Way, especially when followed closely by L (Elves, Elm, Elevator, Elephant etc.)
F: Slow to Trust and too Clever for Her Own Good.
G: Good-Natured, makes Friends Easily, Smiles Often.
H: The Life of the Party but Generally Clueless.
I: Oblivious to the Needs of Others.
J: Likes Privacy and tends to be Elusive.
K: Revengeful and Unforgiving.
L: Shy and Quiet, tends to stay Behind the Scenes but Has the ability to Shine.
M: Nurturing and caring, loves to spend time outside.
O: "Cup- Half-Full" Attitude, always seeing the Silver Lining.
Q: Marches to Own Drummer, Independent.
S: Suspicious and Not to be Trusted, especially when Followed by a C (Scary, Scales, School).
T: Strong, used to Being Right, Strong Moral Compass.
V: Seductive and Flirtatious, Loves to be the Center of Attention.
W: Grounded and Serious, Only Speaks when he has something of Importance to Share.
Y: Energetic and Spontaneous, often avoids Responsibilities.
Z: Enthusiastically pursues one Thing at a Time with Intense Single-mindedness.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
another note, I had a dream last night where the bathtub overflowed and I picked up the bathtub and began bailing out the room which was rapidly filling up with water and disintegrating. Water, according to my co-workers, represents fear. What am I afraid of? Everything. I feel slightly paralyzed, standing on the edge of the cliff I am supposed to jump off of, hanging on for dear life.
yes, I am that girl.
I love all things Jane Austen. I confess my unabashed, undying love for all of her works of literature and all the authors who try to copy her and those who re-write and rip off her works from Clueless to that lame Jane Austen Mystery Series (I really don't love all these things, the lame rip-off books are slightly questionable- anyone that takes the characters of Jane Austen and re-writes them into trashy (and I mean TRASHY) romance novels should be severely punished). I feel like at times I deny this love to save face...to deny that I am one of those girls who read Pride and Prejudice over and over again and dispute the accuracy of various film versions of the book. This past year I re-read P&P determined not to like it, but to no avail. I still love it. I will always love it. I am that girl.
This is all leading up to the fact that I have discovered some new Austen-ite things to love: a book call "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies." Haven't read it yet but its some sort of amalgam of Austen's text and a new zombie plot line. Incredible. I also recently purchased a British mini series called "Lost in Austen" A basic plot line: Elizabeth Bennett intrudes on Modern-Day British Girl's life (Amanda Price), inadvertently causing Amanda to go back in time and Elizabeth to stay in the present. Amanda, who is obsessed with P&P, is at first delighted and then freaked out as the entire story as we know it disintegrates (Jane marries Mr. Collins!!AHHHHH!) but it all ends well and is highly entertaining. My favorite part is when Darcy confesses his love of Amanda (much to her dismay, she keeps insisting he should love Elizabeth) she asks him to do one thing. Next shot, Darcy emerging from the lake, white shirt clinging to his torso a la Colin Firth's famous swimming scene in the BBC version of P&P. Every girl's Pride and Prejudice Fantasy-love it.
This has been another week where it feels like despite every effort I make, things are just not coming together (for example, I accidentally gave the car repair people my debit card account number rather than my credit card number, thus wiping out the entire contents of my checking account and incurring an overdraft fee. Awesome.) My conclusion- I am not in control. And my little failures (and big ones) in no way effect my overall worth (though Calamity has proved to be an apt nickname of late).
BIG SIGH. I am going to read Pride and Prejudice until I feel better.
This is all leading up to the fact that I have discovered some new Austen-ite things to love: a book call "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies." Haven't read it yet but its some sort of amalgam of Austen's text and a new zombie plot line. Incredible. I also recently purchased a British mini series called "Lost in Austen" A basic plot line: Elizabeth Bennett intrudes on Modern-Day British Girl's life (Amanda Price), inadvertently causing Amanda to go back in time and Elizabeth to stay in the present. Amanda, who is obsessed with P&P, is at first delighted and then freaked out as the entire story as we know it disintegrates (Jane marries Mr. Collins!!AHHHHH!) but it all ends well and is highly entertaining. My favorite part is when Darcy confesses his love of Amanda (much to her dismay, she keeps insisting he should love Elizabeth) she asks him to do one thing. Next shot, Darcy emerging from the lake, white shirt clinging to his torso a la Colin Firth's famous swimming scene in the BBC version of P&P. Every girl's Pride and Prejudice Fantasy-love it.
This has been another week where it feels like despite every effort I make, things are just not coming together (for example, I accidentally gave the car repair people my debit card account number rather than my credit card number, thus wiping out the entire contents of my checking account and incurring an overdraft fee. Awesome.) My conclusion- I am not in control. And my little failures (and big ones) in no way effect my overall worth (though Calamity has proved to be an apt nickname of late).
BIG SIGH. I am going to read Pride and Prejudice until I feel better.
Saturday, May 09, 2009
If you say forever I will punch you in the face....
Our dish washer is on the fritz, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. More often than not we wash the dishes by hand. And I have found that I am not a very good dish washer. Actually, I think I am a good dish washer, I just get all sorts of freaked out by germs and making sure things are clean (if you didn't know, I have this thing about old food- I rarely eat leftovers, I don't like buffets, food that has been sitting too long has been contaminated. for real. So food remnants must be completely purged from eatery) Ewwwww. All that to say I have been depending on the dish waser to give me that feeling like things are really clean now, even though you have to thoroughly wash anything that goes in there. I still like to know the machine has sprayed everything down with soap and hot water. This story has no point.
So I have been really stressed out this week and I am still amazed at when an acupunturist can look at your tongue and say, wow, you are anxious. shocker. (This can also be kind of patronizing and freakin' annoying) but Paul looked at my tongue Wednesday afternoon and said, are you angry? And then I realized that I was. Which is interesting, because 1. Anger is not a normal emotion for me to dwell in (I don't think) 2. I couldn't figure out what I was angry about. Anger is not a comfortable emotion. And I am still angry.
I took an only typing test and I can type 63 WPM with a 98% accuracy rate. I am brilliant. Whats funny is all my mistakes are typing dyslexia- like, I would type "eht" instead of "the." Funny, huh?
My Acupuncturist gave me a prescription, a task for me to complete to stop "Christa-Freak-Out-Mode" also known as "Christa-is-overwhelmed-with-stress-and-her-brain-can't-stop-thinking-about-everything-she-has-to-do" Well, she asked me what I needed and then she told me to do it. My Rx: Go into the woods and be alone. And that is what I am going to do.
(lately all my blog titles have come from Neko Case's new Album, Middle Cyclone. She is the best)
So I have been really stressed out this week and I am still amazed at when an acupunturist can look at your tongue and say, wow, you are anxious. shocker. (This can also be kind of patronizing and freakin' annoying) but Paul looked at my tongue Wednesday afternoon and said, are you angry? And then I realized that I was. Which is interesting, because 1. Anger is not a normal emotion for me to dwell in (I don't think) 2. I couldn't figure out what I was angry about. Anger is not a comfortable emotion. And I am still angry.
I took an only typing test and I can type 63 WPM with a 98% accuracy rate. I am brilliant. Whats funny is all my mistakes are typing dyslexia- like, I would type "eht" instead of "the." Funny, huh?
My Acupuncturist gave me a prescription, a task for me to complete to stop "Christa-Freak-Out-Mode" also known as "Christa-is-overwhelmed-with-stress-and-her-brain-can't-stop-thinking-about-everything-she-has-to-do" Well, she asked me what I needed and then she told me to do it. My Rx: Go into the woods and be alone. And that is what I am going to do.
(lately all my blog titles have come from Neko Case's new Album, Middle Cyclone. She is the best)
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
May the 4th be with you
Yesterday was Star Wars day. I wished I had known that yesterday.
A miracle has happened. Truly. Yesterday I felt the beginning signs of illness, sore throat, cough, no energy. And Marcy told me to take today off!! I am taking a sick day. I have been working at Whole Health a year and this is my first day off in the middle of the week for self-care. So I have slept in, am making myself noursihing foods, and watching Harry Potter. Delightful. Except for the sore throat and cough...thats not fun.
I am making myself Black Rice and Mung Bean porridge. Sounds like witch's brew, doesn't it? I was adding my spices and didn't realize that the curry didn't have one of those sprinkle lids, so I am pretty sure I dumped about 1/4 cup of curry powder into the stew. Oops.
Sunday, while we are talking about food, I made delicious sweet potato and black bean tacos. Sounds weird but was inspired. Yum.
Okay, I am signing off to rejuvenate.
A miracle has happened. Truly. Yesterday I felt the beginning signs of illness, sore throat, cough, no energy. And Marcy told me to take today off!! I am taking a sick day. I have been working at Whole Health a year and this is my first day off in the middle of the week for self-care. So I have slept in, am making myself noursihing foods, and watching Harry Potter. Delightful. Except for the sore throat and cough...thats not fun.
I am making myself Black Rice and Mung Bean porridge. Sounds like witch's brew, doesn't it? I was adding my spices and didn't realize that the curry didn't have one of those sprinkle lids, so I am pretty sure I dumped about 1/4 cup of curry powder into the stew. Oops.
Sunday, while we are talking about food, I made delicious sweet potato and black bean tacos. Sounds weird but was inspired. Yum.
Okay, I am signing off to rejuvenate.
Sunday, May 03, 2009
I am at work and have just discovered a gigantic hole in the seat of my pants. GIGANTIC. Please see previous post on inability to circumvent disaster in daily life. I will now remain glued to my seat to prevent any unseemly exposure.
I think this is God telling me not to take myself too seriously. Duly noted.
I think this is God telling me not to take myself too seriously. Duly noted.
What a difference a day makes....
I feel like I try way too hard to be "TOGETHER." Bills paid, oil changed, laundry done, clothes clean. Life has a lot of chores. But no matter how hard I try lately, something always seems to go awry. Last week it was the keys gone missing, the week before snow thwarted all productivity, this week my car freaks out again- ol' Maybelle seems to be menopausal and constantly overheating. My obliviousness to her distress led to serious roadside break down. Thankfully a lovely gentleman and his family were right behind me and helped me cool her off. The someone else came by with more water, until suddenly there was a crowd and everyone was talking in rapid spanish that I didn't understand. But she was drivable to my destination, a mere 6 blocks away. In the end she ended up being towed to the car joint. I've gotta say thanks to all the people that helped me- Jessa for picking me up and agreeing to drive me to work, Katie, Haley, and Lindsey, who went searching for coolant and stared helplessly at the engine with me until the arrival of Mustafo and Steve, neighbors of Katie's and Men with Engine Knowledge, who provide much needed advice.
I am more convinced than ever that I just want to sell all my crap and move into the woods. I hate feeling tied down by obligations, money, car payments, etc. How great would it be to just shake it all off and go flying away.
So, my destination post-car breakdown was to Katie's house downtown. Its an intentional living community of about ten folks and a couple of them are moving out, so I was checking it out to see if I wanted to move in. I am undecided. It all has a very college/ community house vibe and I would want to spruce up (aka CLEAN LIKE CRAZY) the old house, but it could be fun (and cheap) to live with a bunch of people again. Another Pro is that the house is minutes from the Capoeira studio, my new obsession. But all the people I hung out with are the ones moving out (I liked them a lot) and I am afraid that if I move in I would be in charge of everything. I am just too tired for that. I feel like I am in survival mode again and am only really have energy or enjoyment of life every now and then. Maybe I just need to lower my expectations of life.
I am going to make Pros/ Cons list.
Pros:
Cheap Rent
Insta-friends/ community
Downtown location
Kayla- the resident Great Dane (sweet giant dog)
Great Patio
Musicians live there
House dinners/ hang out time
Always someone to play a game with
Everyone there is super conscious about community, environment etc.
Cons:
I would the oldest one/ insta-house mom (this is speculation)
People wouldn't follow through, I would clean house for everyone (also speculation)
1/2 hour commute to work (not so bad actually, this is more of a neutral)
sharing a bedroom (also not so bad, as long as whoever cleaned)
hmmmmmmm.....
I didn't know I was such a clean freak but I really do like things to be clean and organized. Its totally a control thing. and a mental health things.
Anyone have opinions or advice?
Wow I am tired. Today would be a good caffeine-free exception day. I could use a big cup of joe to get me through. and I have to be friendly today too, which, no lie, kind of feels like a stretch.
I am more convinced than ever that I just want to sell all my crap and move into the woods. I hate feeling tied down by obligations, money, car payments, etc. How great would it be to just shake it all off and go flying away.
So, my destination post-car breakdown was to Katie's house downtown. Its an intentional living community of about ten folks and a couple of them are moving out, so I was checking it out to see if I wanted to move in. I am undecided. It all has a very college/ community house vibe and I would want to spruce up (aka CLEAN LIKE CRAZY) the old house, but it could be fun (and cheap) to live with a bunch of people again. Another Pro is that the house is minutes from the Capoeira studio, my new obsession. But all the people I hung out with are the ones moving out (I liked them a lot) and I am afraid that if I move in I would be in charge of everything. I am just too tired for that. I feel like I am in survival mode again and am only really have energy or enjoyment of life every now and then. Maybe I just need to lower my expectations of life.
I am going to make Pros/ Cons list.
Pros:
Cheap Rent
Insta-friends/ community
Downtown location
Kayla- the resident Great Dane (sweet giant dog)
Great Patio
Musicians live there
House dinners/ hang out time
Always someone to play a game with
Everyone there is super conscious about community, environment etc.
Cons:
I would the oldest one/ insta-house mom (this is speculation)
People wouldn't follow through, I would clean house for everyone (also speculation)
1/2 hour commute to work (not so bad actually, this is more of a neutral)
sharing a bedroom (also not so bad, as long as whoever cleaned)
hmmmmmmm.....
I didn't know I was such a clean freak but I really do like things to be clean and organized. Its totally a control thing. and a mental health things.
Anyone have opinions or advice?
Wow I am tired. Today would be a good caffeine-free exception day. I could use a big cup of joe to get me through. and I have to be friendly today too, which, no lie, kind of feels like a stretch.
Friday, May 01, 2009
Did someone make a fool of me? I could've shown 'em how its done...
I have found my calling. Friends, I am a natural. Tonight I went to my first Capoeira class (brazilian martila arts/dance) and it was so much fun. I have giant blisters on my feet and may not be able to walk tomorrow but it was great! I loved it and apparently did not make a complete fool of myself. I will go again tomorrow if movement doesn't cause excrutiating pain.
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