now and then...

i always get nostalgic when on stage in my life (aka americorp year) ends and another begins. i am that person who looks through photo albums on a daily basis. anyway, i was just thinking about how little has really happend in my life in the past year (in terms of BIG EVENTS) but how much i have changed. i am incredibly different. a little more sure of myself, of who i want to be, a little more at peace (on some days), and just really different. thats all i can say really.

(and there is nothing like rock climbing in your pjs. )

a fun sunday walk...

and our youngest fan.

Listen to the Sun, by joelle and christa



Chorus:
we are gamboling a la luna
to listen to the sun
for to gossip about the wizard
by the side of the road
we wear borrowed crowns
from the old Dandy Lion
capturing amarillo from the air
to savor later
we are dreaming

we fancy ourselves pirates
sailing on stolen winds
tasting blue as we charge
carefree into rolling mirrors
reflecting the griffins, sprites,
and imps of our minds
this ship is our mistress,
this day is our own

we are leaved children
of sage giants
purple plum kisses
tatooed on our skin
This grove is our fortress
green banners flutter overhead
mariposas beckon us
this day is our own

we are mermaids in a glen
smooth pale pebbles worship our toes
gurgling azul tempts
our little lovers to steal away
refresing sips of cattails
the sweet taste of laughter
the brook echoes our sighs
this day is our own








i feel like anne of green gables who discovers that her writing is ridiculous (the tree and mermaid verses are my favorites)

so joelle and i wrote a new song today. we were drooling over the lyrics, using tantalizing verbs, thrilled with our own cleverness. and then we tried to set it to music. and realized we are complete dorks. sigh. it would only work as a fantasy rock song, accompanied by a music video with druids, fog machine, and dark cloaks. regardless, i still love the lyrics. it fits very nicely if sung to the lord of the rings theme. we decided we should turn it into an epic opera instead. i am still trying to decide if i should share them or not. i don't know if my heart can stand the laughter that the song begs. hmmm.


i love you mom!!!

I wish I was the moon by Neko Case

Chimney falls and lovers blaze
Thought that I was young
Now I've freezing hands
And bloodless veins
As numb as I've become
I'm so tired, I wish I was the moon tonight

Last night I dreamt I'd forgotten my name
'Cause I sold my soul
But I woke just the same
I'm so lonely, I wish I was the moon tonight

God blessed me I'm a free man
With no place free to go
Paralyzed and collared-tight
No pills for what I fear
This is crazy, I wish I was the moon tonight

Chimney falls as lovers blaze
I thought that I was young
Now I've freezing hands
And bloodless veins As numb as I've become
I'm so tired, I wish I was the moon tonight

How will you know if you've found me at last?
'Cause I'll be the one, be the one, be the one
With my heart in my lap
I'm so tired I'm so tired
And I wish I was the moon tonight

I'm so tired I'm so tired
And I wish I was the moon
I'm so tired I'm so tired
And I wish I was the moon tonight

and the distraught lady called again (is it mere coincidence that the cat and lady appear simultaneously?), but this time to apologize for the mean thing she said to me and we talked for 20 minutes about her history of abuse, illness, everything. how horrible to be so alone in your life that a 23 year old stranger is the only person you have to talk to. how horrible.

make that three times i have let the cat out (she is so cute, she is always in the same spot on the couch)

Today has been a strange day...

i haven't been sleeping well, so i come to work grumpy. very grumpy. thankfully as the day progressed my mood got better.

and then i received two phone calls while at work that make me feel powerless and like sobbing. Some people are so alone, so desperate that all my own loneliness is inconsequential. How do you fix these things that are so screwed up, how do you help people with no hope, who long for death. this woman left me speechless with sorrow.

highlight of my day: there is a sweet little cat, all white with a black moon shape next to her ear, that lives in the backyard of the shelter. She is pregnant and all the guests let her into the house on the sly. Today i found her twice on the couch, having to carry her out. the guest call me heartless for doing so, but in good humor. They take it as their job and duty to let her in and its mine to let her out. So we just play the game. But i love this cat now and love the excuse to pick her up. She is very gentle, never scratches, just lies in my arms, looking dreamily at me. I may look into adoption.

Joelle and i were ecstatic to find a song cycle of Tolkien poems set to music by a guy name Swann when we were looking more music to boost our LuLu repertoire. We were so excited by the prospect of classical music and the wonderful words of Tolkien combined but alas, when Joelle began to run through the songs they were worse than mediocre. Then we read the bio of Swann and he is some sort of stage lyricist, all that to say he degraded Tolkien to the caliber of predictable songs of the 30s. I mean, i love an oldie goldie from the 30s but for Tolkien!?! Is he crazy!?! sigh. i am disgusted and disgruntled.

musings

i have been thinking a lot lately about how one presents oneself to new people. for example, i am working with a lot of work groups from other churches i am have to be nice and polite and talk about how great la puente is and how we need their money. and it is good and i like it. but it is interesting when i have a group of all men. especially older men, who know how to do construction. i become a little girl that doesn't know much about what i am doing. however, if, say, carman, my housemate, is leading with me, he immediately commands the respect of the group. now, carman and i have very different leadership styles. Carman always speaks with authority, even when he has no idea what he is talking about. but he pretends to know whats going on, very convincingly. While i just do it differently, if i don't know, i say so, but i find out the answer. But does carman's reception of respect have to do with his leadership style or his sex. all that to say, i have led two groups of mostly older men and i usually get very frustrated by being 'the girl' and leading the few women that came in 'women's work' (cooking and sorting clothes). my point is, though i get frustrated, how much am i contributing to this perception of myself? are my assumptions about how i am going to be perceived create an inclination to fulfill the role that i think is expected of me? Is it easier for me to step into those roles rather than counteract them? and why is that when i counteract them, i get teased for being independent, difficult, and/or get silly nicknames like 'muscles' or i get people rolling their eyes at me for putting up a fuss? why can't a woman be both strong and feminine, or why does that seem so hard to achieve? why do i play the ditz sometimes, when that's not who i am at all (well maybe sometimes)? why do i get called baby at the shelter? Why if i cook a good dinner or am seen sweeping, i get comments about me being a good wife?

i just babbling really, but i don't like being put in any box, i don't like people making assumptions based on me being a girl, and i don't like being leered at. at this point, i am tired of sketchy guys making comments that they think are flattering but are highly offensive.

for the sake of Carman, i also want to say 1. Carman is a fantastic leader 2. why do women get away with making comments about men, at least more often now a days, say when a hot guy comes on the television, yet women will also jump all over a dude if he made comments about a woman in the same way? its a two way street

i am simply trying to put into words some of my frustrations, rather inadequately i am afraid. i may delete this later.

LuLu

our groupies: kevin, shawna, emmy, and carman

band:nora, rachel, joelle, me

you know you are a musician when:

you keep calling softball practice rehearsal.

other silly things of the week:

i made cake for 50 people and forgot to put in the sugar

i tried to find meat on pigs feet (and people ask why i am now trying the lifestyle of a vegetarian)

stranger than fiction is a great movie

i am getting my hair cut today after not cutting since last July (i am not going to cut it all off, never fear)

Carman, my housemate, is leaving next week and i am very sad

when asked what movies i rented i said 'frank sinatra' when what i meant was 'marie antoinette' which has nothing to do with frank sinatra, obviously

and over all, most people are very very silly

today as a warm fuzzy closer to our staff meeting we were all randomly put into pairs and had to use one word to describe the other person in a positive manner. the person i was paired with i know kind of well, i really like her, she is the office manager and lives in the mountains in a totally sustainable and pro-environment manner (like with a cool composting toilet, no electricity, and lots of solar power) anyway the word she used to describe me was real. which was so encouraging to me because all i really want is to be authentic, genuine, real, and honest. and apparently i am, to a certain extent, enough that this woman who doesn't know me too well can say that 'realness' is a descriptor of my personality. so it made me happy.