I don't like getting up early for those first 3-5 minutes just after I force myself out of bed. After that, I am always glad to awake. I woke up extra early to go to Brian's 'Elegant Agility' class (yes, please, I want some of that) that started at 6:30 am. Ugh. But once on the road, all was well and the class was fantastic. He breaks down the movements so you are only concentrating on one little thing and then at the end he puts it all together and voila - elegant agility. Actually, I think the name of the class is terribly silly but I like it all the same.

Waking up early also reminds me I can do anything I want. So often I cop out and hit the snooze button but, wait! There are so many benefits (and a great sense of accomplishment) to be reaped from a little discipline and sacrifice. Shocking.

A note needs to be added for my latest addiction (this is in the category of Things-Lacking-In-Self-Discipline): Marcy always has a stash of chocolate covered pomegranates in her drawer. Yes, that's right, chocolate covered pomegranates. The are an edible form of Meth, crack cocaine, and heaven wrapped up into one sweet little ball of joy. And you can't stop eating them until you have the inevitable stomach ache that follows such an indulgence. Does my stomach hurt now? Yes. Will I go eat another handful before I go home? Yes.

And I had two interesting dreams (don't get bored, I work at a place where dream analysis is big. On another interesting tangent, I definitely overheard a conversation where two of my co-workers talked about their psychic connections with their cats. Yes.). Dream one: First dream EVER where I successfully revisited the Tennyson center, was working with kids, and felt in control and not afraid for my life. And, in my dream, I almost drove a bus into some giant gravel crater. Dream 2: In this dream everyone slept on washing machines instead of beds and all the machines were lined up and we were all sleeping and I was annoyed because the lady next to me was resting her head on my feet. And I got yelled at for using too much electricity.

she's fighting with the sky, she thinks she can

I had my newest adventure this evening.

I went to my first roller derby practice. Though, it was hardly derby and more learn-how-to-skate-so-you-don't-die-or-severely-maim-yourself-you-silly-girl-who-can't-skate.

I was terrified when I rolled up to the wagon wheel skating rink, with its back woods location, dirt parking lot, and the dank smell cow dung clogging up my senses. And I remembered what my indefatigable sense of confidence (aka life through Christa's rose-colored glasses, complete with sound track and movie crew) had removed from my mind: I haven't skated since my 16th birthday party.

Overall, I did pretty well. I moved like a granny, only fell twice, have some serious bruises on my knees, and am kind of addicted. The girls were all really nice and helpful; Fonda Pain had some good tips about my stance and Wicked Sister taught me how to skull. Next week: knee pads and more speed.

I have decided my derby name will be Calamity. Fitting, no?

The Curing Cake or I Really Need A Piece of Chocolate Fudge Cake

Tonight I decided to make a cake.

I think it's a splendid thing to do when you get all riled up. When I get all riled up.

Also, I saw a movie where the gal made a chocolate cake and I really wanted a slice.

I took nigella's chocolate fudge cake and added a Christa twist. I love reading nigella's recipes, she has such a sense of humor. For example, for servings she says "Serves 10 or 1 with a broken heart."

The twist is a banana and walnut custard filling.

Yum!

Sorry you aren't here for a slice!

Tonight driving home, on the side of the road by my house, was a truck full of construction and caution signs, the kind with lights on top, and they were flashing silently, even though there was no one to warn.

Today I actually felt good at my job and more energized at the end of my day than I have been in a long time.

Marcy said she would go to a movie with me tomorrow, I think out of pity. But I will take it. I have been avoiding my home a bit, the solitude. It gets a a little heavy.

Running makes me happy. Today it made me feel free and thankful. Though not yet fast.

I also want to be a chef tonight. I want to have a shop called the Soup Spot and we will serve delicious soup, mini-pies and popsicles in the summer. The walls will be light blue and mint green and there will be wide white trimmed windows that slide open to let in the breeze. There will be a garden in the back. I will wear yellow ribbons in my hair that match my apron. And my face will hurt from smiling.

new obsession: long underwear under long skirts with boots. Hand me a bonnet and send me out the door.

I have had my third night of angry dreams in a row.

The first was a musical dream, where a haphazard ensemble was supposed to play together (one piano, two electric pianos, a saxophone, a drum set, and me, on cello) but no one knew what was going on and there was no time to practice and no one would listen and I was so very ANGRY.

The second took place in my old church's gym and it was Christmas. We were supposed to put on some sort of Nativity/ 12 days of Christmas/ Drummer boy performance but, again, had no time to get ready and no one was listening and it was pure chaos and I was so very ANGRY.

Last night I dreamt that I was living at a homeless shelter and this one girl kept trying to kill me. She was huge and every time she would come for me, I wasn't scared, I just took her down in some of the moves I learned from my child restraining years. I dragged her to the manager's office and calmly explained that I had no reason to hurt her, that her anger was irrational, if she would just tell me what was wrong we could fix the problem. But no, she just kept coming for me and I kept taking her down. She was the angry one in that dream. I was just wearily resigned to continually throwing her on the ground. Like, I would be in the middle of a conversation, she would sneak up on me, I would twist her into a pretzel, and say nonchalantly "Sorry, she is just this girl that keeps trying to kill me."

So, this means I am angry, right?

It is -2 degrees outside and all I want to do is curl up in bed with my book and hot cocoa. But I have a long, long day ahead. And a long day tomorrow. Then I can rest.

cue heart attack, nervous breakdown, and brain implosion

My boss just emailed from his vacation in Costa Rica that he has tons of ideas for the book and he can't wait to get started on it again.

Marcy told me as a joke but then understood from the harrowed desperation in my eyes that I don't think its funny.

She says the book has to sell because its her retirement and that I am the key to making the book sell. I say that I will be a sad little old lady, alone for the rest of my life, doomed to being a ghost writer for other people's stories, never having a story of my own, if this book continues.

Weekend Treats

it is a new year.

I brought it in with Rachel, Annie, and Laura - we had a lovely dinner, full of lively conversation and laughter.

And silly hats.

Then I plunged into the world of sewing. Several trips to fabric stores with Laura and Jessa

(plus yummy food and movies. Sherlock Holmes - predictable yet entertaining)

I made a fairy dress. Yes, I am an adult. But I like fairies. Sue me.

Also scored some wicked sweet Good Will deals. Behold: the new sewing cart for $1.50.

Covered with trendy oil cloth from fancy tiger, thanks to Jessa's handy staple gun. Also, discovered a trench coat

(aka tore it from the mannequin within seconds of being in the store) - I added the flower.

It's very cute, don't be deceived by my poor photography.

An Epic Blog: Boldness has its own genius, power, and magic.

The year of the ox is at a close and let us all hope that the year of the tiger is more forgiving. General prophecies say that it will be a year of love. Let us hope so.

Recap (For those who don’t recall, these are the first lines of each month of the past year):

January: Today has been funny.

February: Today I exercised my divine feminine right to not watch the superbowl.

March: I am sick.

April: Today was my 1 year anniversary at Whole Health.

May: I have found my calling.

June: Amy is coming and I am incredibly excited!

July: So my work day is done and now I can blog guilt free.

August: I am no longer house sitting and am back in the mountain, which I must say feels a little weird.

September: Found the Egg! Phew, what a relief.

October: isn't he just the cutest baby ever? My brother and sister have the most beautiful children!

November: Hello. I have tried to write but all too often I delete what I have said.

December: Okay, so I am shamelessly stealing this idea but what fun!

In terms of resolutions (though as Rachel suggested, it may be better to call them intentions), I have well over a dozen, in my normal mad-hatter, no-holds-barred way of plunging ahead like a three-legged donkey through a swamp. I have been wading through my convictions of late and have found that many of my choices are not sustainable (don’t mind my somewhat hip and green use of this word. But I mean it, as in I cannot possibly continue living in the way I have been. Definition of sustainable: capable of being maintained at a steady level without exhausting natural resources) and are not in the least bit congruent with my professed beliefs. Integrity is so inconvenient at times. Yet I truly believe that I operate with a lighter heart and a greater sense of freedom when all things line up. It is time to plant my feet.

Main Points of Change:

• CSA. I am determined to join a CSA and to volunteer some hours working at the farm as well. My work schedule is the big hiccup, but it will be overcome. I also am leaning toward eliminating meat again and possibly dairy. How can it be that veganism looks so appealing right now? That’s the trouble with reading books. Words and thoughts stick in your mind so that instead of chicken, I see a pile of antibiotic ridden, GMO-fed unhappiness. Unless I know the animal that the food came from, I ain’t eatin’ it. And once you are friends with the animal, how are you going to kill it? (Actually, I have no problem with killing animals for food (I know, I am a villain), but, really, meat is not sustainable in the quantities we eat it and more often than not, it’s just icky).

• Shopping. I am going to stop shopping for new clothes (gasp!). And no new fabric too, though that one hurts even more than no more clothes. Now that I have a sewing machine, I am going to give sustainable fashion my most concentrated effort. So I can remake old things, from thrift stores, but no more therapeutic shopping trips to euthanize the soul. Nothin’ store bought for this urban homesteader.

Summeresolutions:

• Biking to work. It’s going to happen. When there is no more snow.

• Camping/ hiking/ tomfoolery in the woods. Lots of tomfoolery.