I am at work, writing an article about food and emotions, which is laughable given my propensity to use any little emotional trauma as a diving board into a pint of Ben and Jerrys. Choclate Chip Cookie Dough. Eaten while in a hot bath, reading a Jane Austen rip off or any sort of ridiculous historical fiction. Maybe with dragons. In the book, not the bath. However, here I am experiencing a now familiar scenario, trying to teach people about things I am still struggling with.

Here are some realizations, moments of clarity from my oh-so-crowded mind. I am learning there can be freedom in discipline. So many times when I try to eat well, there is this breath-caught-in-my-chest feeling that I am just waiting to see myself fail. Waiting for that time when all I really want is a cookie and gosh darn it, don't tell me no! But I feel like there has been a slow change, where eating good food isn't part of me trying to be something else but rather eating good food is just a part of who I am. Does that make sense? This perspective eliminates any sense of failure and makes me feel less desperate and more peaceful. And I almost want to cry from the relief of it.

I told the worship leader at church that I would play something for offering, which immediately led to anxiety and nausea. We settled on Bach and now I have been practicing feverishly. But I had a practice revelation last night! First, I started to memorize the piece I am going to play. It’s an oldie-goldie, one I have learned and played before, but the act of memorization produced remarkable results in the way I played. It made me start thinking about the piece rather than just reading it off the page. I began to understand it rather than be frustrated by it. I felt like my eyes were opened. I also stopped hold my bow like a weapon, which also improved my technique. Shocking.

Other news:

- I was trying to order sushi and I kept saying shusi. I said it, like, three times and couldn’t get it right. Very embarrassing. Stupid brain tumor.
- This weekend is my first farm day at the CSA. I almost want to get some new overalls in honor of it. But I wouldn’t want them to think I was kitschy. I will just stick to gingham and pig tails.
- There is a direct correlation between the number of hours I listen to Vampire Weekend and how happy I am.
- I cried a little when I realized that Lauren Conrad of “The Hills” and “The City” has published several young adult novels, which I discovered in an airport book store in March. Her book was rich in “OMG”s and “I knew he was the man of my dreams by the way he texted” and, this is a direct quote from L.A. Candy, “She had to take a shower, like, immediately. Who knew how long he had been in her bed, polluting it with Old Spice and Man Sweat.” Ah, sweet prose. (There are many questions raised by this evocative quote: How come she didn't know who was in her bed? Why is 'Man Sweat' capitalized? Why is 'immediately' italicized? Is this to ensure the reader grasps the depth of her emotion?) I was seized with anger, that young women might be reading this trash. Who knows how many girls have a library consisting onlyof Twilight and L.A. Candy!?! We need to start a Little Woman Fund to distribute Louisa May Alcott and George Eliot novels to this neglected populace. And hunt down LC. On a lighter note, I leave you with this.

I don't know what is happening in my brain, but I have not been on top of anything this weekend. I was going to play with a band, turns out I went on the wrong day. Skipped Bible study cause I felt like crap. Didn't go to orchestra dinner cause I forgot directions and Jessa had a more appealing movie-watching plan. I am so not on my game this week. Sigh. Alas, I am determined not to beat myself up about any of it, but just let it be. It is what it is. I can only try and do better.

Also, Andrea's Guinea Pig (GP) died on my watch, while she was out of town. In my defense, I wasn't required to do anything the GP, because she had all the food she needed for the week. But it was only this morning that I noticed she hadn't moved but even more telling, her food was untouched. I poked it and then called Andrea in a flurry. I think it had been dead for a while, maybe explaining why I kept thinking our apartment smelled funky. Poor GP, RIP.

Monday morning you sure look fine

The cat threw up on my clean laundry.

Despite this ill boding event, I suspect I will thoroughly enjoy this gloomy, indecisive day. Lunch with the Decker-Smiths, some music adventures, and, hopefully, sewing. I have many decisions coming up (ugh, and begin practicing for the GRE. I have forgotten algebra!) but am excited about new steps and possibilities. I am trying not to be completely overwhelmed. In other news, I am obsessed with cauliflower, my mom's shampoo, and my long hair.

Lately, I think mostly due to my fading illness, I have been in a food slump - not really hungry, not wanting to make food, nothing sounding good to eat. But, thank goodness, dinner with Rachel and Annie seems to have cured me, as I ate with gusto and it was delicious. We had yummy salads laden with pears, beets, and bitter greens. I have been experimenting with homemade Popsicles, so I brought some of my coconut blackberry treats for dessert and they were fantastic. Today's tantalizing food tid-bits: I had a breakfast wrap with eggs, greens, and cilantro pesto, looking forward to hot and sour soup for lunch, and spinach noodles with feta, more of the cilantro pesto and asparagus for dinner. Oh, and I made more Popsicles for my co-workers to celebrate Marcy's birthday! Hooray!

She climbs a tree and scrapes her knee, her dress has got a tear...

It is 9:10 on Monday morning. So far I have:

Overslept
Fallen in the parking lot of my apartment
Ripped my dress
Scraped my knee
Was late to work and my first client

Hopefully I have gotten the clutsy quota taken care of and can now move on to more important things in my day, like not falling asleep at my desk and not spilling food on my second dress of the day.

The show is a success! At least, the final show ran without a hitch, a glorious culmination of all the hard work of the kids. Sigh, I love musicals. And I am exhausted. The level of tiredness was not helped by the fact I stayed up until (eek!) 3 am sewing last night. And am likely to do the same tonight. I have been constructing clothes in my head non-stop and it is time to make these mental creations a reality. Enough talk, time for action!

I burned my fingers this morning by falling on my hair straightener while looking for shoes in my closet. Don't ask how, these things happen to me. First, lost shoes, then burning hand. This is unfortunate because it is my left hand, my money hand, the hand that makes the cello work and TONIGHT is opening night. How's that for drama? Heal, little fingers, heal. They are currently slathered in strange Chinese balm (Ching Wan Hung) that is supposed to help. So far I just smell funny and my fingers still hurt. I will push through!

"Dude, Nice Metastatat"

My co-worker came up with the word and together we wrote the definition.

Looming Disaster

So, as is usually the case with a high school musical, the first full run through of the performance was an unmitigated disaster. Long awkward pauses with no music to play, Maria running on stage, late to her own wedding, the captain left hanging, waiting for the voices of his own children, half of whom went to change costumes when they weren't supposed to. A total of 4 hours of tragedy that will put fear in the hearts of the performers to learn their cues, how to change costume in less than 4 seconds, and to pick up that wayward bench that is continually left lurking in stage right. Ah, the glory of the musical!



I have come to the fearful conclusion that I need an attitude re-adjustment. I have realized that most of my humor comes from the mocking of others and no matter how good-humored, satirical, or funny, it's not right. It's like using only sugar as your method of making food taste good; it gets old fast, has no real value, and is cheating. That being said, my co-worker is bidding on mermaid and faerie mummies on e-bay. No comment.

I think the snow might be gone for good (don't jinx it!). I have been so ridiculously productive this weekend, mostly getting all those piles of things done I never have time for in the week, like taxes, cleaning, and re-arranging my bedroom. I finished my two books and now will read All the Pretty Horses. I went to a picnic yesterday and sat in the sun to get my first sunburn and my first farmer's tan. Two birds with one stone, yeah baby. I walked to the mailbox this morning and it is delicious out.

The ties that bind.

Here are a few glimpses of Josh and Katrina's visit and Easter. First, the cake of death. This is a Martha Stewart recipe that is guaranteed to put you under. Ultimate Coconut Cake. It was like an accident you couldn't look away from. Even though I had seen the ingredients, I couldn't help but construct this insalubrious masterpiece. Ingredients: 2.5 lbs of butter, 5 cups of whipping cream, 11 cups of sugar, 1 cup of simple syrup, 1 package of cream cheese, and 2 bags of coconut. And three cute homemade flags. Thankfully you were guaranteed to burn a couple hundred calories just from picking up the monstrosity.

Before dinner we did some rugged Easter egg hunting, in fancy dress. The snow drifts were still really, really deep in some areas but Josh insisted on hiding eggs in the snow anyway, which resulted in some knee deep egg hunting, cold feet, and lost boots. We hid 48 eggs but found only 47 (Amelia found the last one two days later, when some more snow had melted. Overall, I think we did pretty well). I love that Katrina is the type of girl that when she discovered my bonnet, she immediately put it on. That's quality. Other pictures include the zoo (I love the one of my parents, I think it captures their essence), a charlie's angels pose over the leftover egg dye we threw in the snow, Pollock style (don't worry, it's all natural. There was something a little wrong about teaching Amelia how to make a gun with her hands, but the picture is cute.), and Amelia on the carousel. Really, I have the best family...the only thing missing was Danny!!! Danny, where are you? We missed you!

So, when my boss takes vacation, I can take vacation. I think he is going to China in June. I am trying to decide what to do and I think I am going to 1. take a road trip or 2. go camping in the woods for 4 or 5 days. Anyone wanna come with me? Such adventures are hard to do by yourself....

It is but a sigh of a thing.

The only reason I woke up this morning is because my arms fell asleep and I couldn't turn off my alarm any more. I was dressed and out the door in ten minutes. There is a sound in my apartment like a coffee pot brewing...but I have no coffee pot. I have thus concluded there is a coffee ghost in my house. I think this is the worst kind of ghost; it flaunts it's caffeination but leaves nothing, not even an aroma. It's an aural haunting. I have given my year's notice to my job. Go me. I have realized that my inability to say no is actually a disease. No really. I am in a conversation with my boss and I am listening to myself say, "I'm flexible" when I know I am not. I know exactly what I need to do and I still concede every time. This next year is going to be hellish and it will be my own fault. I need an intervention. But don't worry, I have given my years notice...so, you know, an end is in sight. I refuse to make any new paragraphs, this will be one dense, dense mound of words, my words, that you will have to sift through. Oh, I almost hit enter, phew, close call. I am waiting for a brilliant flash of light to lead me on to something in life. Inspiration. And rest. Right now I am reading Franny and Zooey and a Girl named Zippy, which I am enjoying immensely. You know what else the library is good for (I know I have said this before), cds! I just requested several of the cds I have been coveting and now they are in my cd player. I am in the midst of rehearsing for the Sound of Music, rehearsals every night. Every now and then there is a long and awkward pause of unexpected silence, usually when the scene is not set and there is no music to play and no one knows what is happening. The Sound of Music is amazing, I love this musical and, of course, I wish I was on stage. I would make a great Maria. I was recently asked if I would ever do a double wedding and my first immediate reaction was a resounding no. Of course not. I would be the center of attention and I would not share (except with my gentleman of choice). Just for the record. Unless there was some sort of Austen-esque series of events, where two siblings married two siblings after a dramatic case of mistaken identity, traumatic conflict, and a shipwreck resolved winningly by my own wit, beauty, charm, and most excellent jokes. And I would get to walk down the aisle first. Or last. Which ever would get me more attention. Second child much?

This makes me so very happy.