Can of Worms

I am at work, writing an article about food and emotions, which is laughable given my propensity to use any little emotional trauma as a diving board into a pint of Ben and Jerrys. Choclate Chip Cookie Dough. Eaten while in a hot bath, reading a Jane Austen rip off or any sort of ridiculous historical fiction. Maybe with dragons. In the book, not the bath. However, here I am experiencing a now familiar scenario, trying to teach people about things I am still struggling with.

Here are some realizations, moments of clarity from my oh-so-crowded mind. I am learning there can be freedom in discipline. So many times when I try to eat well, there is this breath-caught-in-my-chest feeling that I am just waiting to see myself fail. Waiting for that time when all I really want is a cookie and gosh darn it, don't tell me no! But I feel like there has been a slow change, where eating good food isn't part of me trying to be something else but rather eating good food is just a part of who I am. Does that make sense? This perspective eliminates any sense of failure and makes me feel less desperate and more peaceful. And I almost want to cry from the relief of it.

I told the worship leader at church that I would play something for offering, which immediately led to anxiety and nausea. We settled on Bach and now I have been practicing feverishly. But I had a practice revelation last night! First, I started to memorize the piece I am going to play. It’s an oldie-goldie, one I have learned and played before, but the act of memorization produced remarkable results in the way I played. It made me start thinking about the piece rather than just reading it off the page. I began to understand it rather than be frustrated by it. I felt like my eyes were opened. I also stopped hold my bow like a weapon, which also improved my technique. Shocking.

Other news:

- I was trying to order sushi and I kept saying shusi. I said it, like, three times and couldn’t get it right. Very embarrassing. Stupid brain tumor.
- This weekend is my first farm day at the CSA. I almost want to get some new overalls in honor of it. But I wouldn’t want them to think I was kitschy. I will just stick to gingham and pig tails.
- There is a direct correlation between the number of hours I listen to Vampire Weekend and how happy I am.
- I cried a little when I realized that Lauren Conrad of “The Hills” and “The City” has published several young adult novels, which I discovered in an airport book store in March. Her book was rich in “OMG”s and “I knew he was the man of my dreams by the way he texted” and, this is a direct quote from L.A. Candy, “She had to take a shower, like, immediately. Who knew how long he had been in her bed, polluting it with Old Spice and Man Sweat.” Ah, sweet prose. (There are many questions raised by this evocative quote: How come she didn't know who was in her bed? Why is 'Man Sweat' capitalized? Why is 'immediately' italicized? Is this to ensure the reader grasps the depth of her emotion?) I was seized with anger, that young women might be reading this trash. Who knows how many girls have a library consisting onlyof Twilight and L.A. Candy!?! We need to start a Little Woman Fund to distribute Louisa May Alcott and George Eliot novels to this neglected populace. And hunt down LC. On a lighter note, I leave you with this.