all i want is to sleep alot. last night was my only chance to recharge for the next two days and 16 hours of work and the horror that is saturdays and i kept waking up and looking for something. i don't know what it is, but i was looking for something and i really needed to find it and i couldn't. and so the day begins, i am sick, exhausted and frankly feel on the verge of tears at all times. this will end. i will find rest.


i finished the solace of leaving early and it is one of the most beautiful books. i need to read it again.

its not quite the new year but its time for reflection anyway:

the blog beginnings of 2007, the fastest year of my life thus far.

January: I am back from vacation with the family. it was pretty much exactly what i needed, lots of quiet, games, movies, reading, sleep, and snow.

February: i am going to mexico, i will be back in week...

March: Christa loves to Bake.

April: why small towns are fantastic: there is a GIANT sign on State ave that is advertising the sale of BULK WORM POOP.

May: today as a warm fuzzy closer to our staff meeting we were all randomly put into pairs and had to use one word to describe the other person in a positive manner. the person i was paired with i know kind of well, i really like her, she is the office manager and lives in the mountains in a totally sustainable and pro-environment manner (like with a cool composting toilet, no electricity, and lots of solar power) anyway the word she used to describe me was real.

June: Here is a sampling of my trip to NC, out of order, yet still fabulous. I had lots of good times with my family and spent a lot of time catching up with as many people as I could fit into my brief trip.

July: well it wasn't really mount doom but there really were times i thought i was on the verge of blinking out of exisitence on this last hiking excursion.

August: i have been going and going and going and telling myself that it is humanly possible to keep up the hours i've been working, don't think about it christa, just keep going. and now i am done and my brain is thinking about things other than fence slates, screws, and drills that don't work. and i can neither confirm nor deny that i am freaking out. a little. mindless packing will do that do you too.

September: Nothing new has really happened to warrant blogging except that i like to hear myself talk, again proving that the sole purpose of blogs, or at least my blog, is unadulterated self-worship.

October: today is a beautiful day, cool and crisp and very fall like. it makes me very very happy

November: hello. i blogged a bit ago but inadvertently deleted the whole thing. boo. now i try again.

December: you know that horrible claustrophobic feeling that comes with having static electricity in your hair or a wedgie you cannot correct without public humiliation. that is how i feel today but without any external cause to blame the feeling on. i am the wedgie.

do prairie dogs hibernate?

(White-tailed and Gunnison's prairie dogs hibernate from about October to March, depending on elevation. Black-tailed prairie dogs do not hibernate, but will stay below ground for several days during cold cloudy weather.)

its my birthday and i do what i want! which means go to work. phooey. i think all birthdays should be holidays celebrated by people brining you breakfast in bed, spa treatments, lounging, slippers, fires, and reading good books all day long.

but my family comes tonight, which is great and exciting. i especially excited that just as baby eli leaves my life for two.5 weeks, baby amelia enters it, so there will be no lack of baby love.

i am listening to the people around me, and the majority of them are lamenting holiday family functions, oh the irony of the holidays.

and malls are an abomination to the world.

these are my opinions.


still haven't selected a ' year 24' themesong, it was suggested i should select some john denver but no, i think not.

i finished writing a song, well i actually wrote two new songs but they sound so similiar, really i need to move away from Am but i like it so much! alas. i also need new guitar strings.

the barista (but its a guy, what do you call a guy barista, barister?) is singing horribly to the music and it is highly amusing.
i am roasting here in the sun. roasting.

and thus my birthday passes as just another day with nothing profound nor incredible occurring but the little things that i love.


here is my horoscope:

Kids play a prominent role in the day's activities. If you've got some, spend a little extra time with them; if not, you may want to check in with friends or relatives so you can soak up the positive, youthful energy

(oh if they only knew)

from the onion:
Like a shooting star, so too will your outer extremities ignite while hurdling through the earth's atmosphere in May.

(excellent)

current theme song options for year 24:
when the stars go blue, rayn adams
let's dance, david bowie
i'm bringing sexy back, justin timberlake
flash gordon, queen





i am kidding about justin.

you can give a lot without ever having to sacrifice (and this is not good thing)

this is my second time in the coffee shop that i have seen these UPS dudes hanging out. its great, they chat about thier vans, grip about hours, and lounge in their brown uniforms. classic.

so i tried to throw myself a birthday party last night....but no one came....i even made a delicious tart and tons of cookies and .... no one came. it sounds more pathetic than it was, actually megan and i were both a little relieved that no one came, so we ate the cookies and tart and shared a bottle of wine and stayed up until the woodstove grew cold, talking. megan also pointed out the lack of attendees was really that we don't really know anyone not that we know lots of people that didn't come. phew. and she also pointed out, in the wisdom she always has, that we have made three really good friends that we love hanging out with, jessa, eric, and eli - which in the short time we have been here is amazing and a gift.

there was another story i was going to share but i cannot remember...

i will be 24 tomorrow but i still feel like i am 12, is that normal?

i think i am going to make cupcakes today

i think i have become more southern upon leaving the south.



an excerpt from Lost by david Wagoner

...You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows where you are. You must let it find you.

little triumphs

i am officially not allergic to wheat (which still leaves the mystery of my symptoms...curious) bring on the mac and cheese

the snowblower functions

i am turning 24--i need a theme song for the next year, any suggestions? i am thinking queen again

shawna--it makes me happy you read megan's blog

megan and i are getting tattoos on monday (parents you have thus been officially warned)

i successfully navigated uptown in the snow without hitting any pedestrians

i am determined to have fun tonight regardless of how cranky the children are

today i saw a two year old who refused to wear shoes and was lying on the floor screaming cause his feet were cold--i hear you kid, i feel the same way.

found a new oranic vegetarian cage, excellent, and the barista lady complemented my home made scarf. she has excellent taste.


i think i'm cute

i am reading a book i love

i made christmas cookies last night and have the most perfect bird cookie cutter

i washed the dishes last night and cleaned out the fridge



the best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely, or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quite alone with the heavens, nature, and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, admidst the simple beauty of nature. As long as this exists, and it certainly always will, I know that then there will always be comfort for every sorrow, whatever the circumstances may be. Anne Frank

i think Megan is the link to my sanity right now. she has an inherent ability to allow one to be themselves in whatever state that may be and make that okay. she says that is because people see how messed up she is and feel invariably better about themselves but i don't believe that is true. i think she is just good at giving you space to be crazy in her presence without judgment. either way, i feel like i will be okay when i am with her.

there is lots of snow and we still cannot get our snow blower to work, which i call ironic, whether it is or not. i will soon be selling Christa's one hour snow shoveling work out video, complete with 80s music medley.

I watched a horrible movie lately called Mountain Family Robinson. This film had been recorded over Cheetah, which is what i thought i was watching. such anguish that the perfection that is the film Cheetah was taped over for a 70s feel good film that was 75% slow motion montages of kids running through wild flowers and wild animals playing. my real issue is that this family had tame wild animals which i think completely nullifies the principals of intentional mountain living. and their garden was totally lame. whatever. if anyone has a copy of cheetah, please send it to me.

i have just entered at least 12 swwepstakes and i am bound to win something.

so here i am.

it snowed most of the weekend and i hid in my house. i decided i like snow, as long as i don't have to drive. this means it is going to be a long winter for me. the sun came out on sunday and was so tangible, everywhere the sun didn't reach stayed icy and blue but the places where it did hit glowed.

i didn't sleep well saturday night but that enabled me to see the sunrise sunday morning. i put on all my layers and tromped out in the snow at the crack of dawn, saying good morning to the deer, until it was too cold to be outside any longer and i rushed inside to sit by the wood stove.

you know that horrible claustrophobic feeling that comes with having static electricity in your hair or a wedgie you cannot correct without public humiliation. that is how i feel today but without any external cause to blame the feeling on. i am the wedgie.

i might have a broken nose.

last night when i was driving home i think the car next to me hit a deer but i was just far enough in front of the other car to not know exactly what was happening except that he swerved toward me then suddenly pulled over. i looked for hints of what happened, for all i saw was large and white jumping into the road, but nothing was there. i think it was a Yettie.

i am in a bad mood i know and i apologize. i got nothing.

yesterday i found that when i spoke this questionable southern drawl kept emerging from my mouth--i kept calling all the children darlin' or honey and don't really know how to account for it.

it is time for a list of things that make me happy:

Tiffany, who is patiently enduring my grump and who took funny pictures with me last night

my parents, my family, what can i say, i love them

my cat, though she drives me crazy, is so sweet while being crazy, i strive to emulate her

my guitar that i cannot really play, specifically the A7 chord

my boots

books

gay bars, specifically gay country bars

most children, except the one that broke my nose (just kidding i like him too)

hot chocolate

the promise of sleep and sanity

last night i saw a falling star....or a plane crashing, i am not sure which.

photos by Tiff

there is a dilemma. last week i decided that when working with the children to error on the side of compassion, because i had had some incidents of being extremely firm and it did not make me feel good at the end of the day. but now i have changed my mind again. because compassion didn't necessarily work either. so i don't know where that leaves me.

i want a new tattoo and am very very excited about it. it is drawn on me and the more i see it the more i like it. i hope it will signify and remind me to live intentionally and with purpose.

when i came to the coffee shop this morning they knew who i was and how i liked my coffee. splendid.

i am having trouble regrouping after last saturday of work and i am not sure how to make myself okay by three today. i am starting with a book and coffee.

i borrowed megan's bag and everytime i see it here beside me i instinctively look up and around for her but she is not here, clearly. silly me.

jessa, eli, tiffany, and i went to boulder yesterday and spent the whole day browsing without finding anything--or what i mean is we mainly stole ideas we could do ourselves. i love doing that. and Eli is such a gentleman, sigh, so sweet and such great company.

do not be ashamed of the miracle inside of you

This week went by very quickly but i find myself completely devoid of brain power or energy now that i have reached the end. yesterday (saturday) was not a good day for me.

Thanksgiving was lovely and quiet and cozy. perfect really. i like being relaxed with people i like and just hanging out and talking and being silly.

i am so glad its the weekend, sometimes it feels like i am holding my breath all week and then suddenly i can breath again.

i am wearing pink tights today and i feel like a super hero who decided to use her superhero tights in an everyday outfit, Edna 'E' Mode would be furious.

the sky is very blue and mountains white. mountains are pretty.

we watched the old dr. doolittle and geoffery holder, who plays william shakespere the 10th seemed so familiar we imbd'ed him and he was punjab in annie!! ahh and the narrator in the new willie wonka.

that is amazing. even more amazing, the lady next to us said her little girl did not want to watch the new dr. doolittle on the way to grandma's house this holiday and she said she would walk instead of watching it and since grandma's house was only a quarter of a mile away they let her. good choice little lady, the old version is the only one worth watching.

and then that makes me think, how crazy is it that you watch movies in your car, i mean on one hand ingenious but on the other hand i really loved car trips because of the time spent reading, coloring, watching the scenery, and listening to books on tape (and fighting with my brothers) are the next generation of children going to be completely devoid of creativity and imagination? i weep for you oh children of the new millenium. throw out your portable dvd players and ipods and make your own plays and your own music! oh for the computer illiterate days of old!
come on people!

also, how awkward are spontaneous coffee shop conversations where it becomes obvious one party was eaves dropping on another and then you feel psuedo obliged to keep talking after the inital comment was made. er, okay, stop talking to me now. the same thing happens on airplanes. this mom and her daughter had matching black, knee high boots and they kind of scared me.

my spell check isn't working (speaking of the curses of computer assistance) so please forgive the inevitable errors.

so while typing in the web address for facebook the other day i was off by a letter and was transferred to the most humorous website. www.facdebook.com

it's logo/ catchphrase is 'what you need, when you need it' but the list of things you might need are as follows:

russian bride
mail order bride
dating service
christian singles
cheap car rental
russian wife
russian woman
find friend
chat

i mean really.
amazing. you can rent a car and get a bride.

tiffie and mohegan are fantastic. its rather startling to realize how few days megan and i see each other. like, we hang out thursday, friday, saturday and thats it. we might see each other days but mostly we just see the shadow of each other. now tiffany is our link.

however they just conspired to throw orange peels at me in a public space. really ladies, friendship over. stop laughing.

i am feeling restless, tired but i cannot sleep, a bit anxious. zardonne. and i don't like it. and i don't know how to fix it.

i am very excited abou the holidays though. i have recipes planned, am thinking about where to put the christmas tree, what i want to do for my birthday, all the lovely people i will get to see soon (i.e. my fab fam)

someone thought i was someone else today. this happens to me a lot, as i have joked often (too often) i am the universal friend donor. i remind everyone of someone else they know. this sometimes makes me feel vague and unmemorable. how interesting to be someone that always evokes memories of someone else but not yourself.

i like being good at everything i do but do not feel good at my job, which i am hoping is just in my head but either way its humbling, a feeling i am not comfortable with. i think i need to spend some time with humilty for a while. just sit with that reality that i don't know everything nor am i good at everything and i (duh) have some serious failings. sigh.

i will write later when i am in a better mood. i think the lack of light in the world does not have a good effect on me. i need more vitamin d.

tiffany is here and we have had a splendid time playing thus far. activities of yesterday and today:
walk in the park
food on the deck
broadway thrift stores and antiques
lunch with jessa and eli (who also hung out with us on broadway and beading)
bead store
caribou to watch megan work
drive by of downtown

so far so good. it is great to have her around and we have been scheming about crafts all day.

i just drank a caffeinated beverage and i already have the shakes, excellent.

i think i am the only person in this coffee shop right now. splendid.

i watched munich last night and thought it was great. the first time i watched it was very very confused because there were people wall papering while i watched it, very distracting. Megan, i out one netflicks dealio in the mailio, so it is not lost, fyi)

i am feeling very reminiscent of Prague this morning, mainly i think because so much of my time in Prague was spent in coffee shops, thinking and reading and writing, which is what i have been doing this morning.

i woke up naturally at dawn this morning, which i take to be yet another sign that my farming destiny is awaiting me. where is my land! oh where is my land!

and i looooovvveeee coffee. it is happiness in an inanimate, edible (er, sippable) form. delightful.

nope i was wrong there is someone else here, he just sneezed and scared the bajeezes out of me. i am wearing earrings i made (thank you shawna for inspiration, always) as usually i am inordinately proud of myself. well done, oakes, well done.


i googled 'very important things' and this website was the first on the que.
http://with-gusto.livejournal.com/

apparently he takes old ads and writes sometimes funny sometimes not funny onion-esque blurbs to them. my favorite is june 10th 2004.

i am very disappointed in this year of being 23. i had great expectations for it. but now that it is almost over i cannot really recollect anything of significance that has occurred. shame. and, as i was discussing with friends earlier this week, the number 24 disgusts me. really. 24 is too fluffy, symmetrical, pink, round, and even. ugh. i may make up a new number/name/symbol for that year of my life marked by the number that may not be mentioned. from now on it shall be @$. on december 18th i shall turn @$. excellent.

i am reading an excellent book that gives me goosebumps and makes me wonder in awe at God. there is so much i do not know.
"He has told you, O mortal, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" Mic. 6:8

My Father is a genius. No, really. he has saved me many times this week, from giving me directions when i am lost (for serious, he asked me where the sun was, uh right in front of me dad, then that is west, ahhhhhhh. the moon is on your crypt side) and fixing my wireless connection all the way from NC. Is there no end to his greatness? truly, i have an amazing gene pool.

My cat is a reflection of my life: a disaster. a story of Vashti who is also known as Kitty, Stinky, Pookie, and on occasion, Toilet Cat.

Part One: The Cat Burglar

One day lady one* and lady two* lived in a house in the mountains with a cat named Mirabelle* lady one and lady two were puzzled because Mirabelle was not eating her supper and usually this particular cat has a particularly insatiable appetite. The two ladies puzzled over this mystery without finding a solution.


However, one day lady one and lady two came home from work to discover that the cupboard where Mirabelle's food was stored had been opened and all the food bags were opened and rifled through!


oh my, said lady one. yes indeed, said lady two. we have been greatly deceived in the character of this kitty, lady one and lady two said together. without another word the two ladies set to work cat proofing the cabinet. tupperware is a beautiful thing the ladies mused.


from then on, though Mirabelle tried oh so hard, the kitty food was safe from the kitty. (until the clever kitty learned how to knock the plastic containers to the floor, thus effectively removing the lid and spilling the contents)



*The names in this story have been changed to protect the innocent

Part Two: Random Acts of kitty violence


The toilet paper massacre is not an uncommon sight in the mountain home, when the kitty gets in touch with her predatory roots and attacks all things unsuspecting and fluffy.

The destruction of mosquito netting and the capture of an innocent doll.


yes, she may look innocent, but mischief illumines all her features.

i am sorry for my lack of blogging my wireless internet thingy is not working and i have to get a new one, add it to my list of things to do.

yesterday i went and hung out with the youth group at first plymouth, which was a lot of fun. i like kids and hanging out with kids. for a moment i thought, oh my goodness i cannot relive the horrors that was highschool but then i reminded myself that i am now confident and capable and not (as) socially awkward. geez christa go start a conversation with an eighth grader and everything was fine. the youth group is also excellent because they play some of my favorite games, like sardines and ultimate frisbee.

megan is applying for a job at the tennyson center and i really really hope she gets it--it would be amazing for her and then i would pseudo replace her by getting a part time job at caribou and thus we would both be happily happily employed and productive.

i have decided that i can only be truly happy if self employed and living on a farm.the end.

i have been having these bizarre and kind of scary headaches that enable the hypochondriac within me to freak out (brain tumor? vascular disorder?)There is a point in my childhood where i distinctly recall wishing that i had cancer or some disease (morbid and selfish, i know) so that i could do what i want without feeling like i am trying to live up to someones expectations - everyone would just say, look at how well she is doing, its a miracle she is alive, and i could be gently heroic while self-righteously, arrogantly acknowledging that i would not have to explain any of my plans, choices, or decisions to anyone and i could just live, because that would be enough.

megan and i are having a coffee shop date and i have missed her so so much! i am glad that we have some overlapping schedule time.

i think we are both really tired, megan more so.

my cat wakes me up every night between three and four am, it is very confusing and i just lock her outside of my room where she cries the rest of the night. i have dreams that the cat is actually a child that i work with and i am trying all my strategies to figure out what is going on with this child/cat to figure out why they are acting out and being agressive and negative towards peers and authority figures. Vashti, what is going on in your psyche? do you need a therapist? stop stealing food!

i keep lamenting the state of our social life but megan has reminded me that for being here two months we have done pretty well. true that. and Tiffany is coming to visit and i am very excited about showing her around the mountains.

i spent a good amount of time painting yesterday and it was fantastic. i am amazing (please note that this is a sarcasm laced comment)

i must now return the computer to mohegan. peace.

hello. i blogged a bit ago but inadvertently deleted the whole thing. boo. now i try again.

the cat is stealing food: story to follow

my halloween was deliciously low-key, with Jessa and Eli and soup and Charlie Brown and a nap on their couch pre- Megan pick up. Lovely. I am really tired but thankfully have a bit of a day to re-coop today before my saturday marathon shift that just about kills me every time.

yesterday a black cat walked in front of my car and i saw and old school hearse with a man in a tux with a ruffly shirt driving it. fantastic.

i got some new books at the library, i plan to read them all very quickly, hopefully. i have a huge stack of books i want to read but my reading has come to a stop recently. i need to hop on that.

i feel like i usually have a lot to say during my week and i am like, i should blog about that. and then i forget.

i am going to make polenta gnnoci today--i will let you know how it goes.

at the gym today, the man made me do pushups and i almost died. like my arms were moving millimeters and i was counting it as a pushup. meanwhile some super woman was doing pullups like she was born in the gym. i silently loathe her. i may or may not have collapsed on the floor, i cannot confirm nor deny. thank God for my sense of humor which enabled me to peel myself off the floor.

so i drove down to the alamosa for the weekend and it was great! the drive on 285 is so beautiful and the valley is stunning. it is a bit surreal to be back but nice too. met some of the new volunteers, they are cool i guess(i mean not like LAST year's volunteers) and a surprising amount of Southerners, one from Georgia, two from Virginia, and one from south Carolina. interesting. and we watched the end of the world series and the Rockies sad effort. boo. i am now in milagros, a place i used to frequent so often and am about to head to the shelter to say hi. thats it for now. more later

who needs an alarm clock when you have a cat?

i joined the gym. which is great. but now i am painfully aware of my need to be there. a lot. but overall it makes me happy.

i am excited because this is the first week that i am actually working the schedule that they said i would have. so no early mornings! so i am at the coffee shop, i slept in, and i plan to get all my errands done and then go to work. its like i actually have a day!

i think once my schedule settles down i am going to get another job. i could work mornings in a coffee shop or something, something relatively mindless.

i remember this first time that i actually became excited about faith. it was at one of those EV free youth conferences my youth group went to every other year and i heard Tony Campolo speak. and he challenged everything about our lifestyle and the way we live and think. i don't even remember what he said but that my reaction was utter excitement that here was some tangible demonstration about faith that i could see and experience myself. i remember lots of disagreement within the youth group and i thought, this is even better, we are actually talking about something!!

i guess i get a similar feeling now that i am reaching semi-adult like places in my life where i feel finally empowered to decide my path, what i will do, and where i will go. and it is exhilarating! i mean for the most part i get caught up in the daily grind and concerns of life but then there are days like today when the possibilities seems endless and i cannot wait to get started and sort it all out!

thats all i got

i was working on a sewing project today and it was lovely. i was in the quiet and my mind could chew on things while my hands stayed busy. the cat actually ventured upstairs to keep me company, a rarity, and of course she was rather troublesome, leaping on things as i made them and trying to eat the tissue patterns i was working with.

i remember my mom trying to teach me to sew and my frustration with not be able to do it on my own or be able to make it all come out right the first time. i got so angry! my poor mother. i also remember carrying up knives from the kitchen and sliding them across the patterns on the fabric so that they would lay still while we pinned the pattern to the fabric. i remember being amazed at mom's sewing skills, she whipped up a petticoat for me in minutes on night before going to see the Nutcracker for my birthday. it was white muslin with lace on the bottom. i remember it specifically because i was also wearing my pink sailor-esque dress and while we were waiting for the show to start i went up to look at the orchestra in the pit and another little girl asked me if i was in the show, because of my dress. i realize now that this possibly could reflect a questionable sense of fashion but i was thrilled! i looked like i was in the show! (at that time in my life i was convinced i was going to be discovered and that i would soon become a famous actress. i remember fantasizing for the rest of the night that because i was so suitably dressed, if they had needed someone to be replaced on stage that evening i would be the first they would go to. naturally)

I find memory fascinating, one because i have so many great memories and two because i have so many random memories. its as if anything you concentrated on particularly hard, no matter how mundane, will be stuck in your brain forever.

i am a coffee shop after 8 pm - Alamosa, take notes!


i am waiting to see if there will be a social gathering this evening, as part of my project to be more socially active. but really i just want to go home, eat dinner, finish sewing and go to bed early.

i should have been a pioneer.

i just remembered this, something i heard at first plymouth, a quote from John Robinson,
'.. I am very confident the Lord hath more truth and light yet to break forth out of His holy word.'

i love the mysetery of God and the fact there is so much unknown about life and God and find it so refreshing (though challenging) to let go of trying to figure it all out and instead to trust that there is 'more truth and light' to come.

it snowed again. i shoveled the driveway, well most of it until i got bored and went inside by the fire. thus the existence of the ice on the top of the driveway that i didn't get to. oops. note to self, shovel it all.

megan and i watched cold mountain (appropriate)last night, so so sad. i didn't cry but sighed a lot. we talked about who would have been a better Ada then Nicole (because she is blonde while Ada was distinctly brunette, and Nicole always poised and graceful while Ada is supposed to be inept and awkward, always) we thought that it should have been Natalie Portman or Maggie Gyllenhal, both actresses who can portray accurately the change in the character. whatever nicole, good try. (p.s. thanks shawna for the soundtrack, oh so lovely)



one of the children at work needed a halloween costume and i quickly volunteered to do so, given that i love to sew and have no social life to speak of. The little person wanted to be a cat ballerina and this is what i came up with, you cannot see the tail, which has a pink bow on it, so so cute, i almost kept it.

megan and i went to a 'degrees for the public good' fair and i collected lots of info about lots fo different degree options and am still feeling like an international development or international health degree is the direction i want to go. it is time like these when i ask the question, why am i in the states right now? i need to leave as soon as possible. one of my biggest fears is getting to comfortable and settling down when my exploring is not done yet, waking up one day and realizing i am not where i want to be at all! not that i know where i want to be but i am slowly discovering where i don't want to be, which, is a bit of a step forward i guess.

i am feeling incredibly socially challenged lately. first, work is overwhelming but i don't want it to take over my life. but at the end of the day i am so tired and again, overwhelmed, that i just go home. sigh. i will work on this, this is my project.

you learn so much about yourself when you do something new. especially working with kids. why does it seem so hard to not obsess over my discomfort and put others first? i have never felt so transparent before, so very very aware of all my failings and weaknesses. but i guess the thing is, is that they, the kids or staff, are not asking me to be perfect. they are asking that i be present and compassionate. but most of the time i feel angry. i really really really hate being laughed at and there has been many times already when a child is laughing at my inability to control them. which again, it is not my job to control but to try and guide and teach. i am just so thankful that i am able to leave work each day and drive into the mountains.

the most i ever learned about God was when i wasn't with christians....

megan and i were watching LOTR: return of the king and our conversation floated to fantasy archetypes and how harry potter reflects the LOTR themes a bit, but then pretty much every fantasy film has these consistent good vs. evil, the hero within us all themes. then, before my eyes, i was able to see grey's anatomy in LOTR. Meredith is frodo, mc dreamy is sam, who is faithfully, loyally (for the most part) trying to help Froedith get to her end goal. Christina is gollum (stay with me) who has slain a beloved one in the pursuit of her goal(the ring/ a career/ inner turmoil what not) Froedith sees herself in Chrisollum and hopes that they both can survive their burden. Izzy and George are Merry and Pippin, respectively (i won't describe all the parallels but they are totally there, i especially like equatting izzy's denny incident with merry and the globe thing that he tries to look in and is burned by, i forget its name) there was some debate of whether Bailey was arragon or gandalf but i think arrogan because Baily is a warrior. and thus LOTR becomes LOTER (lord of the ER. don't scoff you know you love it)

as many of you know i loathe voicemail. i think i have some misplaced negative associations with voicemail. to me it represents one responsibility i can avoid with little consequence, symbollic of my dislike of all responsibilities that must be constantly attended to. I don't know, i always imagine that each voicemail is not a friend but a little evil voice telling me what i have to do, what have i failed to do, what i am not good at. i have recently discovered that my brian is also like my voicemail, full of little voices i don't want to talk to but soon gets so full that there is no room for anything else until it gets emptied out. and that takes so much effort.

i really like watching british films or american films and being able to identify which Jane Austen film adaptation the obscure british actors have been in. for example, in the importance of being earnest, the actress that play gwendolyn is fanny in mansfield park. And an actress from Scoop also played the role of a sister in both Mansfield park and Persuasion. And the dude who is the bad guy in Tomb Raider two is the main love interest in Persuasion. Movies like Emma and Sense and Sensibility are, of course, easy and don't really count, because hugh grant, colin firth, kate winslet, and emma thompson are really easy to place. duh.

megan and i are having an adventure today, we are getting coffee, and checking email and then we are going to hit the road. it is sunny and drippy outside as all the snow is melting. i love snow and winter and fall.

Megan has mentioned in her blog that we are thinking of moving into town. this largely has to do with the fact that if we stay in the mountains megan will have to buy a new car, which would be very unfortunate. so we are hunting for affordable places and i am really hoping that there will be some great public transportation options and a grocery in walking distance.

i feel like there was more i was going to say but i cannot think of it now. hmmmm. that is all then.

we have had our first snow. and i didn't crash and die. i take that as a sign.

today i am tired and weary and have been trying not to cry all day. sometimes i feel so full that a kind word or glance will just release the floodgates of tears, which is embarrassing when i don't really know anyone but just start sobbing in public. ahem. excuse me. so i left quickly and am now enjoying anonymity at the local coffee shop. sometimes i feel like i am desperately looking around me for understanding, a friend, or a hug. the people that know me best are so far away. but how lucky am i to say that i have people that know me.

megan woke me up today to see the snow and i decided to drive into town early to get online and take care of emails and such and on the drive into town i realized that the membership class started today. oops. but thankfully due to my earliness, i arrived right on time! its a miracle. it was great to meet some new folks and hear about the church and the more i hear the more i like it. i like the phrase' united in essentials but diverse in non-essentials' when talking about statements of faith. and that it is a non-creedo church, acknowledging that God cannot be contained by our conception of faith and is greater than any creed we may come up with or create. God's truth is still ultimate and absolute but cannot be contained. nothing gets me as excited as envisioning an adventurous God that i cannot even comprehend. that there is hope and peace available beyond the limits of my mind. i also love a vision of heaven that is a continuous journey, not unlike lewis' the great divorce.

another phrase i liked:
we are decidely christian and unconditionally welcoming


my heart is so heavy today on the behalf of others- my friends that i love and the hard choices before them, the children i work with that cannot believe in anything good in the world or themselves, the uncertainty i feel in my own life (which is so little compared to these other things)

i have to figure out how to fill myself with peace and quietness in these new places. i think i might build an altar today. a little bit of ritual could be good for me right now. and paint and glue sticks.

ways to impress your supervisor: do an excellent job driving a 15 passenger van full of kids, only at the end i stopped at a green light. she looked at me and all i could think was, why is she looking at me like i am crazy, what am i missing here. and then i got it. i am an idiot. but i did get to go to the circus.

i really hope at some point in my life i will get to go to cirque de sole. no animal mistreatment and lots of acrobats and more tasteful costumes than barnum and baily.

i went home to nc and it was great for a mini get away and BABY TIME. here are some pics. i think the majority of the time i held Amelia she was making expressions of boredom, disdain, and/ or horror. (she is a smart one, she can do all three at once)

my job is really hard but i keep reminding myself it is the hard things that are worthwhile. i hope so anyway. i also got a random email about grad school applications from one of the grad schools i inquired too for more info...hmmm grad school, am i ready for you? i have loved learning about cells and basic math again while in the classroom this past week. i am not going to lie, my over achive/ competitive nature totally kicks in and its all i can do to not ask for a handout from the teacher so i can finish the assignments too.

other notes, i ran by the grocery store this morning to pick up secret treats for secret someones to go into secret packages and there was something weird going on, like safeway corporate was in the house because everyone was on their grocery store A game. i had like five people say hi to me as i was just walking by, i was in my own world searching for the right aisle and everyone just kept saying hello, which is great, but odd. i suppose they could have been talking to someone else, but i don't think so. it took me so off guard each time that i could only offer the belated afterthought response greeting, a sheepish hi under my breath because i am uncertain why they are talking to me. i did wash my hair this morning, maybe i was exceptionally attractive this morning and people couldn't keep themselves from trying to draw the sunlight of my attention to themselves.

coffee house redemption

thank goodness! i have found the perfect coffee shop. i will list out the things i love as i spot them:

it is ten minutes from my house
has free wi-fi
closest prices to alamosa coffee
friendly people
connected to a used bookstore
comfy with old couches and non-pretentious
i look around and the people hanging out here i could be friends with
good mugs, simple but sturdy
hidden away
i can see the mountains
it looks like they bake all their own bake goods, never trust people that don't make their own brownies

i bought two gardening books for a dollar at the store next door, both with tips for indoor plants (so the deer don't eat your food) and lots of herbs and such
i am super excited. i am taking notes for my (our) future farm.

i am very happy today, for no specific reason except i am excellent at knitting (i cannot reveal my craftiness because my latest discovery will be gifts for oh so many of you), i love libraries, i love the mountains and cool mornings, i love my cat, i love megan, i love sleeping, i love my brothers, sisters, mom, dad, and especially nieces, i love people (i cannot stop talking to people i don't know, a major indicator that i need some friends, i am becoming one of those shamelessly talkitive people who reveal too much information about themselves while in the grocery line)

today is a beautiful day, cool and crisp and very fall like. it makes me very very happy. i went to a coffee shop in evergreen that i had never been to this morning and i don't think i will ever go again. in addition to overpriced fare and beverages, there were leopard print curtains, fake tropical plants, and a giant klimt painting. now, you may think a hanging of my favorite artist might be a mark in favor of the place, but how dare they use this brilliant art as the inspiration for hideous decor. please! i drank my cup of joe quickly and ran to the library for a more peaceful atmosphere. the most amusing thing about my coffee experience was eavesdropping on three motorcycle dudes that were chatting and sipping there coffee. in their leathers. talking about fiberglass while perched upon an animal print couch. it just seems so absurd. i left at the same time they did and as i walked out i could see that their helmets matched their jackets and their jackets matched their bikes, like primary color power rangers on bikes. so, i don't know, maybe they dig matchy matchy decor.

yesterday first plymouth church went on a field trip to another parish that it supports in the inner city. it was lots of fun to chat with people i didn't know and see what is up etc. but in the end it just really made me want to move to the inner city, where i don't have to commute and can walk everywhere. like really really want to move into a shabby, sweet little house where i can make bread for my neighbors and have a garden without worrying about deer eating the delectables.

the woman who preached also wrote a song that we sang and my favorite line was this"
'When will we live for others, denied the love God is? When will we forfeit comfort, to bear the Cross that's his?' it seemed a little ironic for us to leave the poor inner city church and drive back to the suburbs, but such is life. i hope other people thought it was ironic too.

i was watching to kill a mockingbird last night and i forgot how much i loved that movie (and gregory peck) i was watching the scene where atticus has finished his excellent defence of Tom, yet Tom was still found guilty in the flawed justice system of the south. the court room is empty except for the mezzanine where the friends and family of Tom sat. and they all stood as atticus passed, the reverend telling scout to stand because her father is passing. i just was struck by how beautiful that was and how all i really want for myself is to fight for the just cause and to be respected for it.

in an attempt to become more socially active i have just been looking up various social groups in the denver area. here are some snippets of our options:

1.The Denver Savvy Singles Book Club Meetup Group
A place for singles to get inspired and informed about creating an extraordinary relationship by reviewing new dating and relationship books each month.
christa comments: really? how come i think all these relationship books are written by christian authors. can you think of a more ridiculous group? pretend to read books while trying to size up the people around you to see if they meet the criteria in said book. please.

2. Single Professionals: Mixing Business With Pleasure
Kill two birds with one stone, so to speak! We provide opportunities for networking on both the social and business levels, all in one fun event. We offer a variety of formats to provide something comfortable and fun for everyone. And it's for "business"...what a great way to meet other singles and still get that business tax write-off!
christa comments: barf

3.The Denver GIS User Group
Meet other locals who are interested in a discussion of Geographic Information Systems (GIS).
christa comments: i know it takes all types, but...really?



thats all i have energy for. i am going home to my couch.

okay megan just told me she does make fun of my sci fi/ fantasy obssession but she does it kindly. i guess i can handle that.

okay okay so i started my job this week and i have not been to check my email or blog since...because i am exhausted! and i hate driving. like really, commuting stinks. hopefully in the near future i will have the funds to move near to where i work, because it is a very very cute (and expensive) part of town. but i do love driving into the mountains every night...the moon has been so bright that you don't even need headlights, it is amazing.

i have had several moments so far in my job where i have been terrified and where i have said to myself this is exactly what i want to do. i am working with children who have been neglected and abused and are wards of the state, working in the residential area with the kids that live in this school. i won't be able to tell any stories ever but these children have survived and awful lot and if i were them i would be really pissed off at the world too.

another bear broke into another garage in our neighborhood. totally lame, we still have not seen one. maybe i will leave the downstairs windows open with a little live kitty bait inside.....

megan and i actually went out last night when i got off work. yeah, like pretending we have lives and actually go places off the mountain. we tried out two different bars, both in this totally cute part of town near where i work. and we were still home before midnight. the kicker is that my parents were out later than us last night. that is pathetic. though, i would like to point out, that with the time difference, we were technically out later. so there.

i don't think megan and i realized how different we really are. we were discussing last night that where we have similarities are in the big, abstract ideals and hopes for ourselves. but when it comes down to movies, books, clothes, and music, there is very little overlap. except in our taste in men, which could be unfortunate. yesterday we were chillin' in the house reading and megan mentioned that she would like to watch the lord of the rings movies and i was like, yes please, i was just thinking that this morning. but i was thinking that because i was reading stardust and dwelling on how much i love the fantasy genre and she was reminded of the films because of a reference to cs lewis in her book organic church. i rest my case. but i love her lots :) and she doesn't make fun of my fantasy/ sci-fi obsession.


i am trying to write a lot because i don't know when i will come back and write more. but this is based on the assumption that someone other than megan reads my blog. she checks my blog every day and we live together. and she knows i haven't written. :)

next weekend i am going home to meet my niece and to see my older brother again in addition to all my family and i am super excited. it is kind of weird for me to have such a grown up brother, i mean he is a father. i am not going to lie, i got really excited when he called me unprompted. like, my older brother wants to be friends with me. which is fantastic, since the last time we really talked was when we were arguing in high school and then he went to school and i went to school and he got married and i grew up and now i feel like i need to meet him all over again. and i think i am really going to like him a lot.

my cat is sleeping with me and i am not allergic. this almost justifies me not eating wheat or sugar. i made it through three days of training with out eating the candy bars in the giant basket sitting on the table. nor the little pumpkin candies that are akin to candy corn and are my favorite seasonal treat. and i made bread time successfully, a rare thing for me in colorado. yum. (it was spelt bread-no wheat) my cat likes to try and catch my eyelashes when i blink. how do i train her out of this potentially devastating habit?

meet Vashti Gita

here is the new kitty!

notes on a sermon:

well, actually there was no sermon today, we sang for the entire service. and, as you know from my last blog, i love to sing so i thought it was fantastic. i really admire the breaking of the conventional sing-sermon-sing structure to mix it up and spend just a whole lot of time in worship.

i really like that we sing the doxology at every service. it is beautiful. and i also love that we sing so many hymns, some i know and some i do not.

i remember thinking during the women's bible study i was apart of a few years ago, how beautiful it is to hear lots of women's voices singing in unison. i always get goose bumps.

i also really like that they call all the children up to the front of the church each morning and after a short story they have a blessing for the children. The minister asks the children to cup their hands in front of them, in order to receive the blessing. these past two weeks the blessing has always been the same, so i don't know if it is the standard children's blessing, but it is a variation of the Irish blessing that i sang with rachel and joelle last year : may the road rise to meet you , may the wind be always at your back, may a star always guide you, and may the Lord always hold you in the palm of his hand. I love the words and the idea of cupping your hands to receive the blessing in a real, tangible, physical way. Its like something megan told me when i was in alamosa, that it is important to claim your blessings from the Lord and asked me what blessing i wanted for myself, which was peace of mind and spirit. She told me this right before i got really sick and had to sit in my house by myself for a whole week - which in itself nearly killed me. There is still so much to think about from my year at alamosa and while i was there most of my energy was about getting through, surviving, holding myself together. But here i was for a week, i completely lost my voice, so i couldn't talk and had to sit and be quiet and finally listen to the voices in my head. and by the end of the week, despite my continued illness, i felt the blessing of peace and rest like i had not experienced in a very long time.

i think there is also something very beautiful and powerful about speaking words together as a congregation, whether its the Lord's prayer or another liturgical passage. Every time I say the Lord's prayer something strikes me, today the prayer of the Lord's will being done on earth as well as in heaven. We think so much about heaven but what does it mean to do the Lord's will on earth? which brings me to one of the songs we sang, which said 'What does the Lord require of you? Justice, Kindness, and to walk humble with your God' That is a God I can believe in, one that requires us to pursue and uphold justice, love, and humility in his service.


also there are a lot of crazy environmentalists at this church, who really do believe that taking care of the earth is directly related to the gospel, ideas of stewardship, and God's purposes on earth.

um, nothing new. megan and i have been watching lots of movies in between our trips to town and Internet. we make yummy food. today i made zucchini muffins (with no eggs!) i think cooking at the shelter has changed my cooking style forever. i was in the midst of muffin magic when i realized, gasp, the eggs were bad - i think only keirsa understands the horror of cracking open rotten eggs. ugh. so i decided to try the flax seed egg substitute method i only heard about recently. and i threw in some cottage cheese too, for the heck of it. and viola, muffins. not quite as sturdy as the standard muffin, but it held together and tasted great. excellent. mission accomplished.

i don't think i am getting the job i interviewed for. unfortunately. and somewhat to my relief. is this self-destructive behavior? no, i think it is more the plague of my generation, or at least me, growing up with too much choice and little immediate necessity to work. but the immediate necessity of bills and food money and gas money is creeping up like a little monster you thought had been banished to the closet. i just want to do something i like and be happy. i think the only solution is that i cannot do what i like and make money. and i am okay with that.

i really love singing to the radio. poor megan has to put up with my successful and non-successful attempts at harmony. there is something great about being completely uninhibited when singing. i distinctly remember hearing my mom sing with the radio and being amazed that you couldn't distinguish between her voice and the one coming through the stereo. i thought it was like magic.

one of the first churches we went to here, you couldn't here the person next to you singing, not because the six leaders were too loud, but because no one wanted to be heard. and that is a shame. if there is anyplace you should be able to sing without embarrassment it is at church.

i have been sitting a lot lately without doing anything. (i mean when i am not actively seeking employment) i like getting up early in the morning, but usually i make tea and read or journal. but lately i sit, staring, thinking, not thinking. and i think it is good, because i am generally not good at doing nothing.

oh and the joys of nature, i don't need an alarm clock because at about 8.30 every morning a woodpecker gently begins his daily work right out side my window. he is quite literally pecking directly by my head on the other side of the wall. magic. thankyou mister woodpecker.

i posted the counter on my blog to indulge myself and see how many people read or visit my blog. so far out of the five listed, four of them have been me checking to see if the number has gone up. sigh.

i beginning to wonder if i am a commitment-phobe. I had an interview yesterday (yes!) but my blood turned to ice water when the words "this is a career building position, i am looking for someone to replace me in three to four years" came out of the admissions director's mouth. eeek! i struggle with just being in one place for one year alone! i am not going to lie, i had nightmares last night about the position. sigh. so we will see. maybe she just didn't like me and then i don't have to make another hard decision.

Last night megan and i watched our neighbors little boy, an extremely capable five year old who can drive his mini-gator (he would sigh with exasperation, miss christa it is not a truck, its a gator) better than i ever could. Now, i don't consider myself a weak person or lacking firm decision skills but it quickly became very clear in this babysitting scenario i was the push over. i asked him several times not to put lucy, his dog, in the back of his gator and he was stilled unconvinced but megan had to say it only once and he immediately complied. this happened over and over again throughout the evening. apparently children have a sixth sense when it comes to identifying...well, whatever it was i seemed to subconsciously express. thankfully megan was there other wise i don't think he would have ever gone to bed. sigh. i have been told before though that i have trouble being firm-that i can try to say something strict but it inevitably comes across nice. this is why i have made a commitment to saying no this year - to practice building boundaries with people i don't know. I seem to have no problem saying no or expressing my boundaries clearly with people that are closest to me, its rude cashiers and rowdy children that i become meek around and lose the ability to stand up for myself. psychoanalyze that.

thankfully God said to me the other day, Christa, I think you should __________ and ___________. That way __________ and _____________will happen.
Thanks God,I said, I will get right on that and _____________.

(shamelessly stolen from dan)

here i am again, in the coffee shop...doing my thing...though i don't really know what that is....

i have come to the conclusion that finding a job truly requires divine intervention-like for real people. i have sent out over a dozen resumes and no satisfactory results (hmmm perhaps i am regretting my arrogance in my one job offer that i turned down--nope i still think i did that right) so for all of those out there that read my humble ramblings, please pray that i find a job! ( er...that God finds a job for me...)

megan and i found a great church - you can refer to her blog for a more detailed list of the positive aspects, but i really liked it a lot. i once told megan that every time i go to church i usually feel like crying and how i really don't like it, but megan replied, wisely, that she figures if a church doesn't make you want to cry than there probably isn't a lot of truth being told there. true 'nough. anyway, this church passed the knot-in-my-throat test. we are going back tonight for young adults gathering where we will probably be the youngest. i feel sheepish about being young, still loving fantasy books and films, and my enjoyment of all things whimsical. but then i figure i will always love those things no matter how old i get and there is no need for me to feel sheepish about who and what i am right now in this moment. because thats all i can be.

Top Five Things I hate about looking for jobs:

1.Waiting
2.Rejection
3.No Income
4.Waiting
5.Not hearing from anyone

I mean I am putting myself out there! I am like a contestant on a dating show who gets disqualified before I get to even say my name. and I have a good name too, not FiFi or Gertrude, but solid and capable Christa. Come on People! Give me a break!

I used to not practice my cello enough before state orchestra things and such so I could always have to excuse, well I could have done better if I had practiced, or I just didn't have the time to practice enough. But I have no excuse now because I have been very thorough, written great cover letters, been on top of my game. but still nothing. and it stinks.

I am just in a bad mood, hopefully by Friday i will have gotten at least one interview!

Introducing Baby Extrodinaire:
Amelia Dulcinea Oakes

brought to you by Proud Aunties INC.

Which Office Character Are You?
	You are Pam. You are sweet and likable, but your shyness makes it hard for you to express yourself sometimes. Regardless, you are always there for your friends and will usually come out of your shell to help anyone.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

there ya go, receptionist jobs here i come

Nothing new has really happened to warrant blogging except that i like to hear myself talk, again proving that the sole purpose of blogs, or at least my blog, is unadulterated self-worship. well, not really, but maybe trying to create the pretense of having something worth while to contribute or say.

speaking of jobs, its amazing to me how much i want a job that sounds cool simply so that i will sound cool. Seriously, i am ambitious (or vain) and want to look good in the eyes of others. and i want to do it with paid vacations and a work day that begins at ten in the morning. that's not too much to ask is it? Then why is it that i am always drawn to non-profit or volunteer jobs.

Megan won't lend me her book until i finish the one i am reading, or have been trying to read since December. its not a bad book, i really like it, hence my continued effort to finish it, its just i have a mental block when it comes to non-fiction. If it is in narrative form i can plow through it without a problem, but when it comes to things of substance, well....i am so easily distracted then by the stories in my head.

I also hate the feeling i get sometimes of tangled, indefinable emotion, where the only words i can find to label what i am feeling are angry, weary, frustrated. and i guess the frustrating part is not that these emotions are present but rather that i don't know what is causing them or how to express them properly. and so i stew and hit things about until everything comes into order, which i guess it must inevitably do, but i never know how long it will take. My brain is such a bother.

And I will soon be an aunt and all i could think about in church today was how excited i am to gain this new title. I cannot wait. Words cannot describe how much i like babies, especially ones that i am related to.

and we have not seen any bears yet.

My new green room....





pictures from the boston segment of road trip gloriousness...

i am bewitched by the city. tall buildings. lots of people. full of potential.

Megan and I have laid claim to a corner of a coffee shop, fortifying our defenses against encroachment, this is our place, our table, our bookshelves. we plan to stay many more hours. the reason for this illegal squatting in a public space? the inevitable job quest. I have 3 more minutes of play time before i must return to the search. I am scared.

We have nested in the house, setting up our individual spaces, unpacking our belongings. well, megan is done unpacking, I have decided to take over two rooms to fit all my stuff. Last night we painted and my room is beautiful. i will not describe it, i will simply let the pictures take your breathe away. when i take some. i like how quiet it is. silence can be so loud.

i have been commanded to blog.

i am on a road trip of mammoth perportions. with Megan and Jennifer. and we are in Boston.

Highlights:

Bridges
34 police cars sighted
Getting lost driving in D.C.
Riding the Metro with Rachel
A bee in the car causing utter choas
Reading aloud the epic novel, The Blue Sword
Discovering that our given directions forgot to identify one way streets
The car bottoming out in Jonathan's parking lot
Seeing Tons of Dolphins at the beach
Seeing Becca in Virginia
Pedicures

and lots of laughter

well, my softball team, the food bank mafia, are offical the rec co-ed league champions, woot woot. here is our team photo, which looks bizarre and i think was extensively photo shopped, a skill which guy claims, though, frankly, all his photo shopped finished products look strange...judge for yourself.

i have been going and going and going and telling myself that it is humanly possible to keep up the hours i've been working, don't think about it christa, just keep going. and now i am done and my brain is thinking about things other than fence slates, screws, and drills that don't work. and i can neither confirm nor deny that i am freaking out. a little. mindless packing will do that do you too.

these last few weeks have been like the ending of a bad teen movie, i mean, really? truth is stranger than fiction in these last days in alamosa. Lulu had their final concert, which went really well. The four of us in the group have decided to stage a huge fight as explanation for why the group must part ways. artistic differences is a cooler reason than new jobs. then we had geek prom. amazing. tonight is the final game in softball, for the championship. and last night our accountant through us a medieval going away banquet. she wouldn't give us forks. really.

all that to say there are no words to describe my relief and sorrow that this experience is over and am glad that i will still be in Colorado so that i don't really have to say goodbye to anyone. there will be many tears, regardless.

i have not written in a while, partly due to my crazy schedule (i will have at least 24 hours of comp time from working that shall never be redeemed) and partly to my high level of anxiety about this next life transition that i cannot seem to shake. well, i am better, i can actually breathe now. i was talking to a co-volunteer about this anxiety and we came to the conclusion that seeing so many people at the shelter who cannot seem to make things work, who have no support network, who have seen failure after failure until there is no hope left can skew your perspective a bit. and than i remembered that i am not alone and for that i am very very thankful.

we have our big final concert in a few days and i am freaked out. i think that also has something to do with a viewing of a documentary that a local yokel made...it's called 'everyone but you: a documentary about being an independent artist/ musician/ failure' i don't know why but it just made me feel down.

oh well. i am especially bummed because we collectively just wrote a new song that is my FAVORITE we have done so far and it won't be ready for its debut aka it won't be debuted ever because rachel's going to india and i cannot play the piano. but we do have four originals to play, so thats exciting---my main role is as lyricist in the creative process. anyway-one of the songs i wrote by myself and am continually fighting my sheepish feelings at its, well, i don't know what. but i do know i really do like, no matter what anyone else says, so there!

i feel like a marathoner dragging myself toward the finish line that is still some distance away. at this rate they are not going to make me miss alamosa at all! except for the people i love here...
good news about today: only two hours in the office and the rest of the day with harry.

i am really excited about networking

a woman in my work group lives in boulder and....has friends...who run a CSA (community supported agriculture) farm! and i had been looking for one in my area and hadn't found one....and there it is--my local (ish) csa. so fresh vegetables, raw milk, and eggs are in my near, forseeable future...that means my own cheese and yogurt can be made. and i can go volunteer and learn on a farm!! so i can have my own!!

http://www.conservapedia.com/Main_Page

i mean, really?

Success
To laugh ofetn and much;
to win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children;
to earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends;
to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others;
to leave the world a better place,
whether by a healthy child
a garden patch
or a redeemed social condition;
to know even one life has breathed easier
because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.

-attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson
more likely by Bessie Stanley, 1904

this week i had a dream where i was at the ocean and could not escape the huge waves that were coming toward me. this was the first dream i have had of waves since college, where almost every week i would dream of terrifying waves or my teeth falling out. i think it means i am overwhelmed. today i slept in until 9, ate breakfast, and then took a nap, rolling into the office at 1 in the afternoon. lovely.

i have groups consecutively until i leave but allison is going to help me out.

and rachel is bequeathing to me her free massage tomorrow :) hooray!

and now i shall go back to bed.

we have a mouse in our house. yes, for real. and it didn't really bother me until i saw that the clever little monster managed to get into a drawer and chew up my favorite wooden spoon. oh, it is on now little mouse. you do not eat my cooking spoons, no sir. you better watch those pretty paws of yours because today i am putting out the traps.

last night i had an impromptu dinner party. like shawna said, its nice to eat fancy food but still be able to eat with your fingers. i will tell you what we had because i am shamefully proud of myself. stuffed artichoke, shrimp and grits, green beans, baked pears with carmel sauce. simple but so yummy.

keirsa and i just finished a 12 hour baking marathon. thats right 12 hours, for Allison's wedding tomorrow.

5 chocolate pear cakes
6 lemon lavender cakes
2 chocolate raspberry tarts
2 choclate cherry tarts
1 mixed berry tart
55 lavender cupcakes

12 hours.

here are the non-scary pics. to get to our base camp of lake como we had to hike about five miles up an atrocious jeep road, so lots of rocks and little shade. but the lake was gorgeous. the mountain you can see above lake como is little bear, blanca is just around the corner.