so i drove down to the alamosa for the weekend and it was great! the drive on 285 is so beautiful and the valley is stunning. it is a bit surreal to be back but nice too. met some of the new volunteers, they are cool i guess(i mean not like LAST year's volunteers) and a surprising amount of Southerners, one from Georgia, two from Virginia, and one from south Carolina. interesting. and we watched the end of the world series and the Rockies sad effort. boo. i am now in milagros, a place i used to frequent so often and am about to head to the shelter to say hi. thats it for now. more later

who needs an alarm clock when you have a cat?

i joined the gym. which is great. but now i am painfully aware of my need to be there. a lot. but overall it makes me happy.

i am excited because this is the first week that i am actually working the schedule that they said i would have. so no early mornings! so i am at the coffee shop, i slept in, and i plan to get all my errands done and then go to work. its like i actually have a day!

i think once my schedule settles down i am going to get another job. i could work mornings in a coffee shop or something, something relatively mindless.

i remember this first time that i actually became excited about faith. it was at one of those EV free youth conferences my youth group went to every other year and i heard Tony Campolo speak. and he challenged everything about our lifestyle and the way we live and think. i don't even remember what he said but that my reaction was utter excitement that here was some tangible demonstration about faith that i could see and experience myself. i remember lots of disagreement within the youth group and i thought, this is even better, we are actually talking about something!!

i guess i get a similar feeling now that i am reaching semi-adult like places in my life where i feel finally empowered to decide my path, what i will do, and where i will go. and it is exhilarating! i mean for the most part i get caught up in the daily grind and concerns of life but then there are days like today when the possibilities seems endless and i cannot wait to get started and sort it all out!

thats all i got

i was working on a sewing project today and it was lovely. i was in the quiet and my mind could chew on things while my hands stayed busy. the cat actually ventured upstairs to keep me company, a rarity, and of course she was rather troublesome, leaping on things as i made them and trying to eat the tissue patterns i was working with.

i remember my mom trying to teach me to sew and my frustration with not be able to do it on my own or be able to make it all come out right the first time. i got so angry! my poor mother. i also remember carrying up knives from the kitchen and sliding them across the patterns on the fabric so that they would lay still while we pinned the pattern to the fabric. i remember being amazed at mom's sewing skills, she whipped up a petticoat for me in minutes on night before going to see the Nutcracker for my birthday. it was white muslin with lace on the bottom. i remember it specifically because i was also wearing my pink sailor-esque dress and while we were waiting for the show to start i went up to look at the orchestra in the pit and another little girl asked me if i was in the show, because of my dress. i realize now that this possibly could reflect a questionable sense of fashion but i was thrilled! i looked like i was in the show! (at that time in my life i was convinced i was going to be discovered and that i would soon become a famous actress. i remember fantasizing for the rest of the night that because i was so suitably dressed, if they had needed someone to be replaced on stage that evening i would be the first they would go to. naturally)

I find memory fascinating, one because i have so many great memories and two because i have so many random memories. its as if anything you concentrated on particularly hard, no matter how mundane, will be stuck in your brain forever.

i am a coffee shop after 8 pm - Alamosa, take notes!


i am waiting to see if there will be a social gathering this evening, as part of my project to be more socially active. but really i just want to go home, eat dinner, finish sewing and go to bed early.

i should have been a pioneer.

i just remembered this, something i heard at first plymouth, a quote from John Robinson,
'.. I am very confident the Lord hath more truth and light yet to break forth out of His holy word.'

i love the mysetery of God and the fact there is so much unknown about life and God and find it so refreshing (though challenging) to let go of trying to figure it all out and instead to trust that there is 'more truth and light' to come.

it snowed again. i shoveled the driveway, well most of it until i got bored and went inside by the fire. thus the existence of the ice on the top of the driveway that i didn't get to. oops. note to self, shovel it all.

megan and i watched cold mountain (appropriate)last night, so so sad. i didn't cry but sighed a lot. we talked about who would have been a better Ada then Nicole (because she is blonde while Ada was distinctly brunette, and Nicole always poised and graceful while Ada is supposed to be inept and awkward, always) we thought that it should have been Natalie Portman or Maggie Gyllenhal, both actresses who can portray accurately the change in the character. whatever nicole, good try. (p.s. thanks shawna for the soundtrack, oh so lovely)



one of the children at work needed a halloween costume and i quickly volunteered to do so, given that i love to sew and have no social life to speak of. The little person wanted to be a cat ballerina and this is what i came up with, you cannot see the tail, which has a pink bow on it, so so cute, i almost kept it.

megan and i went to a 'degrees for the public good' fair and i collected lots of info about lots fo different degree options and am still feeling like an international development or international health degree is the direction i want to go. it is time like these when i ask the question, why am i in the states right now? i need to leave as soon as possible. one of my biggest fears is getting to comfortable and settling down when my exploring is not done yet, waking up one day and realizing i am not where i want to be at all! not that i know where i want to be but i am slowly discovering where i don't want to be, which, is a bit of a step forward i guess.

i am feeling incredibly socially challenged lately. first, work is overwhelming but i don't want it to take over my life. but at the end of the day i am so tired and again, overwhelmed, that i just go home. sigh. i will work on this, this is my project.

you learn so much about yourself when you do something new. especially working with kids. why does it seem so hard to not obsess over my discomfort and put others first? i have never felt so transparent before, so very very aware of all my failings and weaknesses. but i guess the thing is, is that they, the kids or staff, are not asking me to be perfect. they are asking that i be present and compassionate. but most of the time i feel angry. i really really really hate being laughed at and there has been many times already when a child is laughing at my inability to control them. which again, it is not my job to control but to try and guide and teach. i am just so thankful that i am able to leave work each day and drive into the mountains.

the most i ever learned about God was when i wasn't with christians....

megan and i were watching LOTR: return of the king and our conversation floated to fantasy archetypes and how harry potter reflects the LOTR themes a bit, but then pretty much every fantasy film has these consistent good vs. evil, the hero within us all themes. then, before my eyes, i was able to see grey's anatomy in LOTR. Meredith is frodo, mc dreamy is sam, who is faithfully, loyally (for the most part) trying to help Froedith get to her end goal. Christina is gollum (stay with me) who has slain a beloved one in the pursuit of her goal(the ring/ a career/ inner turmoil what not) Froedith sees herself in Chrisollum and hopes that they both can survive their burden. Izzy and George are Merry and Pippin, respectively (i won't describe all the parallels but they are totally there, i especially like equatting izzy's denny incident with merry and the globe thing that he tries to look in and is burned by, i forget its name) there was some debate of whether Bailey was arragon or gandalf but i think arrogan because Baily is a warrior. and thus LOTR becomes LOTER (lord of the ER. don't scoff you know you love it)

as many of you know i loathe voicemail. i think i have some misplaced negative associations with voicemail. to me it represents one responsibility i can avoid with little consequence, symbollic of my dislike of all responsibilities that must be constantly attended to. I don't know, i always imagine that each voicemail is not a friend but a little evil voice telling me what i have to do, what have i failed to do, what i am not good at. i have recently discovered that my brian is also like my voicemail, full of little voices i don't want to talk to but soon gets so full that there is no room for anything else until it gets emptied out. and that takes so much effort.

i really like watching british films or american films and being able to identify which Jane Austen film adaptation the obscure british actors have been in. for example, in the importance of being earnest, the actress that play gwendolyn is fanny in mansfield park. And an actress from Scoop also played the role of a sister in both Mansfield park and Persuasion. And the dude who is the bad guy in Tomb Raider two is the main love interest in Persuasion. Movies like Emma and Sense and Sensibility are, of course, easy and don't really count, because hugh grant, colin firth, kate winslet, and emma thompson are really easy to place. duh.

megan and i are having an adventure today, we are getting coffee, and checking email and then we are going to hit the road. it is sunny and drippy outside as all the snow is melting. i love snow and winter and fall.

Megan has mentioned in her blog that we are thinking of moving into town. this largely has to do with the fact that if we stay in the mountains megan will have to buy a new car, which would be very unfortunate. so we are hunting for affordable places and i am really hoping that there will be some great public transportation options and a grocery in walking distance.

i feel like there was more i was going to say but i cannot think of it now. hmmmm. that is all then.

we have had our first snow. and i didn't crash and die. i take that as a sign.

today i am tired and weary and have been trying not to cry all day. sometimes i feel so full that a kind word or glance will just release the floodgates of tears, which is embarrassing when i don't really know anyone but just start sobbing in public. ahem. excuse me. so i left quickly and am now enjoying anonymity at the local coffee shop. sometimes i feel like i am desperately looking around me for understanding, a friend, or a hug. the people that know me best are so far away. but how lucky am i to say that i have people that know me.

megan woke me up today to see the snow and i decided to drive into town early to get online and take care of emails and such and on the drive into town i realized that the membership class started today. oops. but thankfully due to my earliness, i arrived right on time! its a miracle. it was great to meet some new folks and hear about the church and the more i hear the more i like it. i like the phrase' united in essentials but diverse in non-essentials' when talking about statements of faith. and that it is a non-creedo church, acknowledging that God cannot be contained by our conception of faith and is greater than any creed we may come up with or create. God's truth is still ultimate and absolute but cannot be contained. nothing gets me as excited as envisioning an adventurous God that i cannot even comprehend. that there is hope and peace available beyond the limits of my mind. i also love a vision of heaven that is a continuous journey, not unlike lewis' the great divorce.

another phrase i liked:
we are decidely christian and unconditionally welcoming


my heart is so heavy today on the behalf of others- my friends that i love and the hard choices before them, the children i work with that cannot believe in anything good in the world or themselves, the uncertainty i feel in my own life (which is so little compared to these other things)

i have to figure out how to fill myself with peace and quietness in these new places. i think i might build an altar today. a little bit of ritual could be good for me right now. and paint and glue sticks.

ways to impress your supervisor: do an excellent job driving a 15 passenger van full of kids, only at the end i stopped at a green light. she looked at me and all i could think was, why is she looking at me like i am crazy, what am i missing here. and then i got it. i am an idiot. but i did get to go to the circus.

i really hope at some point in my life i will get to go to cirque de sole. no animal mistreatment and lots of acrobats and more tasteful costumes than barnum and baily.

i went home to nc and it was great for a mini get away and BABY TIME. here are some pics. i think the majority of the time i held Amelia she was making expressions of boredom, disdain, and/ or horror. (she is a smart one, she can do all three at once)

my job is really hard but i keep reminding myself it is the hard things that are worthwhile. i hope so anyway. i also got a random email about grad school applications from one of the grad schools i inquired too for more info...hmmm grad school, am i ready for you? i have loved learning about cells and basic math again while in the classroom this past week. i am not going to lie, my over achive/ competitive nature totally kicks in and its all i can do to not ask for a handout from the teacher so i can finish the assignments too.

other notes, i ran by the grocery store this morning to pick up secret treats for secret someones to go into secret packages and there was something weird going on, like safeway corporate was in the house because everyone was on their grocery store A game. i had like five people say hi to me as i was just walking by, i was in my own world searching for the right aisle and everyone just kept saying hello, which is great, but odd. i suppose they could have been talking to someone else, but i don't think so. it took me so off guard each time that i could only offer the belated afterthought response greeting, a sheepish hi under my breath because i am uncertain why they are talking to me. i did wash my hair this morning, maybe i was exceptionally attractive this morning and people couldn't keep themselves from trying to draw the sunlight of my attention to themselves.

coffee house redemption

thank goodness! i have found the perfect coffee shop. i will list out the things i love as i spot them:

it is ten minutes from my house
has free wi-fi
closest prices to alamosa coffee
friendly people
connected to a used bookstore
comfy with old couches and non-pretentious
i look around and the people hanging out here i could be friends with
good mugs, simple but sturdy
hidden away
i can see the mountains
it looks like they bake all their own bake goods, never trust people that don't make their own brownies

i bought two gardening books for a dollar at the store next door, both with tips for indoor plants (so the deer don't eat your food) and lots of herbs and such
i am super excited. i am taking notes for my (our) future farm.

i am very happy today, for no specific reason except i am excellent at knitting (i cannot reveal my craftiness because my latest discovery will be gifts for oh so many of you), i love libraries, i love the mountains and cool mornings, i love my cat, i love megan, i love sleeping, i love my brothers, sisters, mom, dad, and especially nieces, i love people (i cannot stop talking to people i don't know, a major indicator that i need some friends, i am becoming one of those shamelessly talkitive people who reveal too much information about themselves while in the grocery line)

today is a beautiful day, cool and crisp and very fall like. it makes me very very happy. i went to a coffee shop in evergreen that i had never been to this morning and i don't think i will ever go again. in addition to overpriced fare and beverages, there were leopard print curtains, fake tropical plants, and a giant klimt painting. now, you may think a hanging of my favorite artist might be a mark in favor of the place, but how dare they use this brilliant art as the inspiration for hideous decor. please! i drank my cup of joe quickly and ran to the library for a more peaceful atmosphere. the most amusing thing about my coffee experience was eavesdropping on three motorcycle dudes that were chatting and sipping there coffee. in their leathers. talking about fiberglass while perched upon an animal print couch. it just seems so absurd. i left at the same time they did and as i walked out i could see that their helmets matched their jackets and their jackets matched their bikes, like primary color power rangers on bikes. so, i don't know, maybe they dig matchy matchy decor.

yesterday first plymouth church went on a field trip to another parish that it supports in the inner city. it was lots of fun to chat with people i didn't know and see what is up etc. but in the end it just really made me want to move to the inner city, where i don't have to commute and can walk everywhere. like really really want to move into a shabby, sweet little house where i can make bread for my neighbors and have a garden without worrying about deer eating the delectables.

the woman who preached also wrote a song that we sang and my favorite line was this"
'When will we live for others, denied the love God is? When will we forfeit comfort, to bear the Cross that's his?' it seemed a little ironic for us to leave the poor inner city church and drive back to the suburbs, but such is life. i hope other people thought it was ironic too.

i was watching to kill a mockingbird last night and i forgot how much i loved that movie (and gregory peck) i was watching the scene where atticus has finished his excellent defence of Tom, yet Tom was still found guilty in the flawed justice system of the south. the court room is empty except for the mezzanine where the friends and family of Tom sat. and they all stood as atticus passed, the reverend telling scout to stand because her father is passing. i just was struck by how beautiful that was and how all i really want for myself is to fight for the just cause and to be respected for it.