does it really take a month for a body to defrost?

I just heard a story of the death of a man's grandfather here in alamosa. His grandfather had been drinking and froze to death because he did not have enough sense to get himself indoors. They could not find him for two weeks and when they did find him, they had to cut him out of the ice. It took a month for him to thaw before burial. His skin was black and they had to tear off his clothes, because they were all frozen to his body.

One of the six dogs staying in the shelter yard (their owners are guests) died this week. It jumped over the fence while still tied to its chain, hanging itself. And then it froze. Poor John had to take him down and bury him.

There is an old drunk man who I should throw out of the shelter. I have been assigned to his case for three or four weeks now, I don't even know how long but I cannot throw him out, though he abuses the rules and doesn't shower and sometimes even pees on himself. Because he has no place to go and I am afraid that if I make him leave he will die.

This is my testament to screwed up things and I am learning to mourn them. I live in gray.

I have been feeling very overwhelmed, like my list of things to do is never ending, like my obligations are sapping my energy. I didn't go to bible study again last night, the third time I said I would be there and didn't show, like a kid with stage fright. Because as much as I excuse my absence with the defense of Tuesday being my only night to myself, the only opportunity to hang out with people I don't usually see, I think I am really just afraid of what God is going to tell me, or that these people of God will see through me, draw me out, make me see what I have been avoiding. I haven't been able to sleep all week, with no success. I mentioned this when to a girl in the worship team (the one who leads the bible study actually, I really like her a lot, she always seems to be listening to exactly what you say) she replied that maybe, in a casual, not criticizing fashion, like it is just the way things are, God is laying something on my heart I should be praying about. I was so struck by this, because it was not something I had thought about at all. I do know that I have been avoiding God like I have never done before in my life. and I think the reason why is pride. Over the summer I discovered that my whole life I have been worshipping religion, not God, not that God hadn't been guiding me, drawing me to Him, but that I had not been looking for God but how to fit in, how to get it right, how to figure it all out, my perfectionism becoming a plague of the soul. And in my attempt not to be taken in again, not to be made a fool again, I am avoiding religion and God. But it was always me who was in the wrong, I am a fool, to accept something less than what is true, to try and be content with boxed solutions rather than letting an indescribly powerful God be the guide of my life. One of the reasons I like Living Water so much (the church I have finally started attending, after four months of hem-hawing, finally using my cello as a source of commitment and accountability to make myself go) is that Jeron, the pastor, always talks about the inevibility of change from simply being in God prescence, putting all the control in God's hand. What a relief, this reality of God that I need pounded into my head daily. So I am making baby steps, slowly being drawn back towards God, though I am ever so reluctant to relinquish my pride, because who really cares if I am a fool, it is true, and if my stubborness is preventing me from finding out whats really going on, that is ridiculous. All this to say, on the other hand, by not going to Bible study, I spent some quality time with a friend and slept a lot, feeling much better this morning than I have in a while (I actually slept through the night). and its snowing this morning, beautiful.

I have no expectation of anyone reading all of this spouting. i don't really know what I am talking about, I am just thinking out loud, a bit distraught. but God does not do things neatly, or at least not from our perspective, life does not come out neat in the end. You may never know why a particular year is awful, why someone dies, why things simply do not work out, why your heart is broken, there is no clear label for each stage of your life, it is just messy. and I think this, though hard, is also a relief.

I apologize again for my rantings, I don't usually talk about real things because I am afraid I will be transparent and all my pride and self-righteousness will shine through the ridiculousness of my words. but so it goes.

You know that Christa is settled in when....she starts alphabetizing her magnetic poetry!!

That's right folks, the world realigns for me when I alphabetize those glorious little magnets of eloquence. It is dazzling.











My favorite poem from my old fridge is this, ahem:

if love was pure

your black heart would crack

with the promise

of my kiss.

(I forgot, briefly, the golden rule: never refer to yourself in the third person, a misstep only topped by referring to yourself in plural. It sounds ridiculous and we apologize)

Sanctuary

living room and kitchen, though they hardly capture the house

I am officially moved in and my new house is great, only minor things yet to fixed, like my room has no door knob, my bathroom has no hot water, (I am sure the maintenance man just likes Carman better, so his stuff is done and mine not, don't worry, I am baking mr. maintenance a nice batch of cookies to coax him along), no house phone, among other things. But my bedroom is beautiful, I just finished making curtains, which will be hung tomorrow (they are really not picture worthy, though my closet curtains are my pride and joy)

christa = freaking out

its been one of those kinds of days and I feel so out of place and I hate everything, everything, I hate everything, but you.

Today is worthy of a song to describe it. Let me sketch out for you the harrowing events of the day. No single occurrence is really that bad, but each one, in combination with my already crazed state of mind, has just about pushed me over the edge.

6.30: drive to pick up my work out buddy.
6.40: Arrive at gym, lock keys in car (I am without credit cards or check book; I locked my keys in the car a week and a half ago, that time because I had three bags and a cello I was hauling and the keys did not make it out. This time, as I was swinging the already locked car door shut, my mittened hand looses its grip on the key and I essentially throw it into the car just as the door slams. brilliant.)
6.45: I begin walking home, in -10 degree weather, in my unlined workout pants, in order to get my checkbook and call the all too familiar locksmith.
7.20: I get home, have lost all feeling in legs.
7.25: call locksmith, who is rude because I do not know the name of the street I am parked on, I quote "You dumb kids are all the same" Thanks. I know.
7.30:Carman, best house mate ever, drives me back to gym.
7.32: Carman's car stalls, because it is so cold.
7.33: Carman's car starts again.
7.45: waiting by my car until 8, when it is 15 dollars cheaper to get car unlocked. Call mom for comfort. Phone dies.
8.00: car is opened, PTL. I pay 30 dollars which I can't afford to pay.
8.10: I am home, climb in bed to get warm.
Nothing exceptional happens for the next four hours, I bake a cake, I make scones, I read, I meet a friend for coffee. The day begins to look up.
1.00: at work.
2.00: Make a flier for Josephine.
2.30: Begin dinner, am excited about menu, bean and corn salad, Jambalaya, and biscuits.
3.00: Make bean salad wrong, forget to cook beans. Debate whether Rachel and I should pick all the corn out of uncooked beans, toss it, or start over. Decide to cook whole darn thing.
3.15: discover indecent pictures of someone we know in a bedroom.
3.30: Jambalaya already starting to burn.
3.45: Creepy guys, must avoid.
4.00: Make biscuits.
4.30: Jambalaya, still burning, rice not cooking, I transfer to a new, hopefully better, pot. Beans suspicious.
5.30: Kitchen filled with smoke, Jambalaya completely burned. Rice still not cooked. Beans, interesting and incredibly spicy since they have been brewing the past two hours in a mixture of corn, onions, and jalapenos.
6.00: serve dinner, cringe as I watch people try to eat it. only biscuits turned out.
6.15: non-shelter affiliated volunteer shuts locked office door with keys inside.
6.30: dish washer flaked out on the job, I have to wash dishes as all my coworkers leave.
6.35: as I am running around, someone (a local really annoying person) asks for a can of beef stew. I look in pantry. we have none. I tell her. She asks me to look for something with beef in it. I go look again. She rejects two choices and finally settles on beef barley stew. Do I have time for this, no.
6.45: office unlocked after calling in back up.
7.00-7.30: running around doing night duties that I am behind on. Everyone wants a bottom bunk, there are none left, everyone grumpy, including me.
7.45: Way too happy church group is here leading Bible study, I pray they are not proselytizing. I think they are playing big bootie right now.
8.00: finally sitting, writing this, in an attempt to debrief, and frankly, because it feels good to complain.

I have no patience left to spare. I just want to go home. My bedroom is currently all boxes, we move Friday, I just want to go sit in bed until Monday and it is all over. As it is, I have to haul my cello over to someones house after I am off work at nine. Great. And I hate when cooking goes wrong, it is usually the only thing I can depend on doing right. I need a hug.

In case anyone was wondering about the excessive amounts of blogs in such a short span of time, well, i am at work, i am by myself for five and a half hours, i have cleaned the kitchen, organized the storage room, swept the office, and there is nothing left to do but, well, what is essentially talking to myself.

i figured it out.

um, i changed my blog background. feelings, reactions? and i, in the process, lost all my links to other blogs, who can remind me how to put them back in again? Becca? Laura?

I am battling the fear of the unknown again, the abyss of life that I must face and fill, Lord help me. What employment will I have next year? What will I do after next year? What do I want to do? What should I do? What color should I dye my hair next? What if I end up alone forever? Should I go to school, travel, or do something equally beneficial that I haven't thought of yet? The list of questions goes on indefinitely... Ack!! Will this ever get easier? Shoot, another question! I have so much to learn still, so much I don't even know I don't know. The only thing that is keeping me from keeling over in a fit of convulsions is the mantra that keeps running through my head from the lyrics of Derek Webb, unoriginal yet profound, Do not be afraid. Do not be afraid. Do not be afraid. Do not be afraid. These words compel me forward into the future, compel me to have a little bit more faith, a little bit more trust, and a little bit more contentment in the place I currently occupy.

La La La La Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Hello!! I am blogging!! My Job is CRAAAAZZZZZYYYYY!!! but here are some things that make it okay:

1. When children come to help make and serve lunch and are so so so cute and get excited about grating cheese and give everyone teaspoon sized portion of applesauce.
2. When children staying here have birthdays and I get to carry them around and draw elmo's on their birthday cakes.
3. When my favorite old timer comes in and raves about my peach cobbler and biscuits
4. When my boss says things like 'you must be busier than a one-legged man in a butt kicking contest' or 'what in the name of seven billy goats gruff'
5. When I get 13 hours of sleep
6. When Jose does the dishes
7. When I understand some spanish
8. When we have a spontaneous dance party in the storage room, with the beat box of none other than Rachel Moore-Bietler
9. When Muck and Nora sing the State song
10. Really when I am with any of my co-workers who are the most fantastic people ever
11. When a guest of age 2 wears his batman cape and hood everyday and struts like nobodys business and protects us all from evil doers.


Also, I know I talk about how cold it is all the time, BUT, it is amazing how you aclimitize and how, walking to work this morning, I didn't need my mittens because it was 15 degrees out instead of -15. shocking.

This week in Christa's head: random and obscure Disney songs!!! I don't know where they are coming from or how they got there, but they are stuck in my head permanently!! Currently, 'sing sweet Nightingale' from Cinderella. Who ever thought that I would sing 'Sleigh Ride' on purpose, to cleanse the palette of my mind.

Other interesting things of the week: I have had two very vivid detective dreams where I was solving a mystery or crime related to or committed by one of my relatives. p.s. never read 'A People's History of the United States' before bed, I had a horrible nightmare with lots of people being tortured to death (I had read the chapter on Columbus).

There is a tree in my front yard that i love. I admit, at first I thought it the ugliest stumpiest tree I had ever seen for it lacks the graceful limbs of a birch or the stolid sense of eternity given off by a giant oak. Instead, all of its branches rise out of its base, each one looking twisted, gnarly, and somewhat malicious, an abomination of a tree as it cannot hold a treehouse, cannot bear a swing, and cannot provide any shade. But, one day I noticed that a flock of birds lives in this tree. They all roost down in the branches, completely invisible to the outside world until you walk past, disturbing their meditative perch, and they all fly from the tree as a collective force. Its one of my favorite things to witness. So now I love the tree; it is still ugly but it is graced by many sweet little birds. I am sure some metaphor for life can be extracted from this picture but I will just leave it at my pleasure in watching the daily happenings of my neighbors in the ugly tree.

I copied this from USA Today, it has the Highs and Lows in Temps in the States, um, just check out how many times in the past ten days that Alamosa, thats right, my new hometown, has been the coldest place in the States (not counting Alaska)....thats 6 out of 10 days my friends...never in my life have I used hat, scarf, and mittens as a funtional clothing item rather than just fashion, here they are a necessity!! It was only 11 degrees when I was running errands around town at 10 this morning, thats without the wind chill.

January 10
High:
Lows: -56 at Chandalar Lake, Alaska (contiguous 48 states: -14 at Alamosa, Colo.) as of 8 a.m. ET
January 9
Highs: 87 at Anaheim, San Juan Canyon and San Gabriel, Calif.
Lows: -49 at Tanana, Alaska (contiguous 48 states: -10 at Alamosa, Colo.)
January 8
Highs: 88 at Fullerton, Los Angeles and Santa Ana, Calif.
Lows: -49 at McGrath and Sleetmore, Alaska (contiguous 48 states: -12 at Alamosa, Colo.)
January 7
Highs: 85 at Daytona Beach, Naples and Punta Gorda, Fla.
Lows: -45 at McGrath and Sleetmore, Alaska (contiguous 48 states: -21 at Boulder, Wyo.)
January 6
High: 86 at Fort Myers, Fla.
Lows: -50 at Stoney River, Alaska (contiguous 48 states: -20 at Craig, Colo.)
January 5
High: 88 at Laredo, Texas
Lows: -47 at McGrath and Sleetmore, Alaska (contiguous 48 states: -10 at West Yellowstone, Mont.)
January 4
Highs: 83 at Fort Myers, Naples and Punta Gorda, Fla.
Lows: -46 at Nuiqsut, Alaska (contiguous 48 states: -7 at Alamosa, Colo.)
January 3
Highs: 86 at Kona, Hawaii (contiguous 48 states: 85 at Fort Myers, Punta Gorda and Naples, Fla.)
Lows: -47 at Nuiqsut, Alaska (contiguous 48 states: -13 at Alamosa, Colo.)
January 2
Highs: 85 at Kalaeloa, Hawaii (contiguous 48 states: 83 at Marathon, Miami and Pembroke Pines, Fla.)
Lows: -47 at Nuiqsut, Alaska (contiguous 48 states: -10 at Alamosa, Colo., and Farson, Wyo.)
January 1
Highs: 84 at Kahului, Hawaii (contiguous 48 states: 82 at Marathon, Opa Locka, Pembroke Pines and Fort Lauderdale, Fla.)
Lows: -46 at Nuiqsut, Alaska (contiguous 48 states: -15 at West Yellowstone, Mont.)

Today I played at the church I have been going to (off and on), sacrificing a trip to Taos (which has a really good Thai restaurant, bummer) to go to church but this first rehearsal was supposed to be my audition/try out but they liked me so much they just let me play today. sweet. except one song got messed up, i re-tuned after it at the behest of the director but i swear it wasn't me, but the singers who were slowly getting sharper and sharper as they sang accapella. for real. but over all, the experience was not as scary as i anticipated and though they aren't the greatest players, their enthusiasm is contagious. and i still really like the pastor. maybe playing in services will make my church attendence a little more consistant, its just so hard to get to know people....

imitation is the highest form of flattery....

I am totally stealing this idea from the blogs of other more blogerific people, who, in honor of the new year, looked back on their blogging in reflection of all that has past in the year 2006. So, I recount for you the first sentence of the first blog of each month in 2006. ahem.

January: So last night i went to a concert with my Aunt and Cousin.

February: i am feeling bloggish

March:no posts, none at all

April:so it has been almost a month since my last blog. an awful month.

May: i love rainy days.

June: Hello Friends! I am now in the beautiful city of Prague, just having completed our first full day.

July: Last tuesday we went to this amazing pool and it has this incredible slide and no lifeguard so we can do whatever we want.

August: I am unpacking and my computer has crashed horribly. like it won't turn on and it sounds like a little man is trapped inside trying to get out. oh well.

September:So yesterday a man who had worked and lived at the shelter died.

October: This is my, um, third blog attempt.

November: I am reading a book about women empowerment (or somethingalong those lines) and suddenly I am reminded of my childhood self, in that i am ready to fight, ready to challenge, and generally my level of mischeivious inclination has greatly increased.Interesting

December: Last night was the charity ball and it was interesting and fun (mainly because the volunteers were all together).

The end.
Not so specacular. my first attempt, i accidently posted all the first sentances of my last postings of each month, seesh, but actually they were a lot more interesting. oh well, for the sake of the project I stayed true to the formula.

look out for the best photos of 2006....

i am back from vacation with the family. it was pretty much exactly what i needed, lots of quiet, games, movies, reading, sleep, and snow. and now I am back in Alamosa and I am thinking things like, I need to change something in my current lifestyle in order to survive, but I just don't know what that change is exactly, maybe more time to myself to read and reflect or __________(fill in the blank) and that i really really missed the people here when I was gone. I feel like I am still in such a transitional state (possibly because I am changing houses in less than a month) but also because I only have a vague idea of my future. i guess thats okay, i just feel a bit restless or unsettled.


this new form of blogger doesn't seem to want me to put up pics, i will post some when i figure out how.

the end.