Can of Worms

I have been feeling very overwhelmed, like my list of things to do is never ending, like my obligations are sapping my energy. I didn't go to bible study again last night, the third time I said I would be there and didn't show, like a kid with stage fright. Because as much as I excuse my absence with the defense of Tuesday being my only night to myself, the only opportunity to hang out with people I don't usually see, I think I am really just afraid of what God is going to tell me, or that these people of God will see through me, draw me out, make me see what I have been avoiding. I haven't been able to sleep all week, with no success. I mentioned this when to a girl in the worship team (the one who leads the bible study actually, I really like her a lot, she always seems to be listening to exactly what you say) she replied that maybe, in a casual, not criticizing fashion, like it is just the way things are, God is laying something on my heart I should be praying about. I was so struck by this, because it was not something I had thought about at all. I do know that I have been avoiding God like I have never done before in my life. and I think the reason why is pride. Over the summer I discovered that my whole life I have been worshipping religion, not God, not that God hadn't been guiding me, drawing me to Him, but that I had not been looking for God but how to fit in, how to get it right, how to figure it all out, my perfectionism becoming a plague of the soul. And in my attempt not to be taken in again, not to be made a fool again, I am avoiding religion and God. But it was always me who was in the wrong, I am a fool, to accept something less than what is true, to try and be content with boxed solutions rather than letting an indescribly powerful God be the guide of my life. One of the reasons I like Living Water so much (the church I have finally started attending, after four months of hem-hawing, finally using my cello as a source of commitment and accountability to make myself go) is that Jeron, the pastor, always talks about the inevibility of change from simply being in God prescence, putting all the control in God's hand. What a relief, this reality of God that I need pounded into my head daily. So I am making baby steps, slowly being drawn back towards God, though I am ever so reluctant to relinquish my pride, because who really cares if I am a fool, it is true, and if my stubborness is preventing me from finding out whats really going on, that is ridiculous. All this to say, on the other hand, by not going to Bible study, I spent some quality time with a friend and slept a lot, feeling much better this morning than I have in a while (I actually slept through the night). and its snowing this morning, beautiful.

I have no expectation of anyone reading all of this spouting. i don't really know what I am talking about, I am just thinking out loud, a bit distraught. but God does not do things neatly, or at least not from our perspective, life does not come out neat in the end. You may never know why a particular year is awful, why someone dies, why things simply do not work out, why your heart is broken, there is no clear label for each stage of your life, it is just messy. and I think this, though hard, is also a relief.

I apologize again for my rantings, I don't usually talk about real things because I am afraid I will be transparent and all my pride and self-righteousness will shine through the ridiculousness of my words. but so it goes.