Can of Worms

musings

i have been thinking a lot lately about how one presents oneself to new people. for example, i am working with a lot of work groups from other churches i am have to be nice and polite and talk about how great la puente is and how we need their money. and it is good and i like it. but it is interesting when i have a group of all men. especially older men, who know how to do construction. i become a little girl that doesn't know much about what i am doing. however, if, say, carman, my housemate, is leading with me, he immediately commands the respect of the group. now, carman and i have very different leadership styles. Carman always speaks with authority, even when he has no idea what he is talking about. but he pretends to know whats going on, very convincingly. While i just do it differently, if i don't know, i say so, but i find out the answer. But does carman's reception of respect have to do with his leadership style or his sex. all that to say, i have led two groups of mostly older men and i usually get very frustrated by being 'the girl' and leading the few women that came in 'women's work' (cooking and sorting clothes). my point is, though i get frustrated, how much am i contributing to this perception of myself? are my assumptions about how i am going to be perceived create an inclination to fulfill the role that i think is expected of me? Is it easier for me to step into those roles rather than counteract them? and why is that when i counteract them, i get teased for being independent, difficult, and/or get silly nicknames like 'muscles' or i get people rolling their eyes at me for putting up a fuss? why can't a woman be both strong and feminine, or why does that seem so hard to achieve? why do i play the ditz sometimes, when that's not who i am at all (well maybe sometimes)? why do i get called baby at the shelter? Why if i cook a good dinner or am seen sweeping, i get comments about me being a good wife?

i just babbling really, but i don't like being put in any box, i don't like people making assumptions based on me being a girl, and i don't like being leered at. at this point, i am tired of sketchy guys making comments that they think are flattering but are highly offensive.

for the sake of Carman, i also want to say 1. Carman is a fantastic leader 2. why do women get away with making comments about men, at least more often now a days, say when a hot guy comes on the television, yet women will also jump all over a dude if he made comments about a woman in the same way? its a two way street

i am simply trying to put into words some of my frustrations, rather inadequately i am afraid. i may delete this later.