i posted the counter on my blog to indulge myself and see how many people read or visit my blog. so far out of the five listed, four of them have been me checking to see if the number has gone up. sigh.

i beginning to wonder if i am a commitment-phobe. I had an interview yesterday (yes!) but my blood turned to ice water when the words "this is a career building position, i am looking for someone to replace me in three to four years" came out of the admissions director's mouth. eeek! i struggle with just being in one place for one year alone! i am not going to lie, i had nightmares last night about the position. sigh. so we will see. maybe she just didn't like me and then i don't have to make another hard decision.

Last night megan and i watched our neighbors little boy, an extremely capable five year old who can drive his mini-gator (he would sigh with exasperation, miss christa it is not a truck, its a gator) better than i ever could. Now, i don't consider myself a weak person or lacking firm decision skills but it quickly became very clear in this babysitting scenario i was the push over. i asked him several times not to put lucy, his dog, in the back of his gator and he was stilled unconvinced but megan had to say it only once and he immediately complied. this happened over and over again throughout the evening. apparently children have a sixth sense when it comes to identifying...well, whatever it was i seemed to subconsciously express. thankfully megan was there other wise i don't think he would have ever gone to bed. sigh. i have been told before though that i have trouble being firm-that i can try to say something strict but it inevitably comes across nice. this is why i have made a commitment to saying no this year - to practice building boundaries with people i don't know. I seem to have no problem saying no or expressing my boundaries clearly with people that are closest to me, its rude cashiers and rowdy children that i become meek around and lose the ability to stand up for myself. psychoanalyze that.

thankfully God said to me the other day, Christa, I think you should __________ and ___________. That way __________ and _____________will happen.
Thanks God,I said, I will get right on that and _____________.

(shamelessly stolen from dan)

here i am again, in the coffee shop...doing my thing...though i don't really know what that is....

i have come to the conclusion that finding a job truly requires divine intervention-like for real people. i have sent out over a dozen resumes and no satisfactory results (hmmm perhaps i am regretting my arrogance in my one job offer that i turned down--nope i still think i did that right) so for all of those out there that read my humble ramblings, please pray that i find a job! ( er...that God finds a job for me...)

megan and i found a great church - you can refer to her blog for a more detailed list of the positive aspects, but i really liked it a lot. i once told megan that every time i go to church i usually feel like crying and how i really don't like it, but megan replied, wisely, that she figures if a church doesn't make you want to cry than there probably isn't a lot of truth being told there. true 'nough. anyway, this church passed the knot-in-my-throat test. we are going back tonight for young adults gathering where we will probably be the youngest. i feel sheepish about being young, still loving fantasy books and films, and my enjoyment of all things whimsical. but then i figure i will always love those things no matter how old i get and there is no need for me to feel sheepish about who and what i am right now in this moment. because thats all i can be.

Top Five Things I hate about looking for jobs:

1.Waiting
2.Rejection
3.No Income
4.Waiting
5.Not hearing from anyone

I mean I am putting myself out there! I am like a contestant on a dating show who gets disqualified before I get to even say my name. and I have a good name too, not FiFi or Gertrude, but solid and capable Christa. Come on People! Give me a break!

I used to not practice my cello enough before state orchestra things and such so I could always have to excuse, well I could have done better if I had practiced, or I just didn't have the time to practice enough. But I have no excuse now because I have been very thorough, written great cover letters, been on top of my game. but still nothing. and it stinks.

I am just in a bad mood, hopefully by Friday i will have gotten at least one interview!

Introducing Baby Extrodinaire:
Amelia Dulcinea Oakes

brought to you by Proud Aunties INC.

Which Office Character Are You?
	You are Pam. You are sweet and likable, but your shyness makes it hard for you to express yourself sometimes. Regardless, you are always there for your friends and will usually come out of your shell to help anyone.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

there ya go, receptionist jobs here i come

Nothing new has really happened to warrant blogging except that i like to hear myself talk, again proving that the sole purpose of blogs, or at least my blog, is unadulterated self-worship. well, not really, but maybe trying to create the pretense of having something worth while to contribute or say.

speaking of jobs, its amazing to me how much i want a job that sounds cool simply so that i will sound cool. Seriously, i am ambitious (or vain) and want to look good in the eyes of others. and i want to do it with paid vacations and a work day that begins at ten in the morning. that's not too much to ask is it? Then why is it that i am always drawn to non-profit or volunteer jobs.

Megan won't lend me her book until i finish the one i am reading, or have been trying to read since December. its not a bad book, i really like it, hence my continued effort to finish it, its just i have a mental block when it comes to non-fiction. If it is in narrative form i can plow through it without a problem, but when it comes to things of substance, well....i am so easily distracted then by the stories in my head.

I also hate the feeling i get sometimes of tangled, indefinable emotion, where the only words i can find to label what i am feeling are angry, weary, frustrated. and i guess the frustrating part is not that these emotions are present but rather that i don't know what is causing them or how to express them properly. and so i stew and hit things about until everything comes into order, which i guess it must inevitably do, but i never know how long it will take. My brain is such a bother.

And I will soon be an aunt and all i could think about in church today was how excited i am to gain this new title. I cannot wait. Words cannot describe how much i like babies, especially ones that i am related to.

and we have not seen any bears yet.

My new green room....





pictures from the boston segment of road trip gloriousness...

i am bewitched by the city. tall buildings. lots of people. full of potential.

Megan and I have laid claim to a corner of a coffee shop, fortifying our defenses against encroachment, this is our place, our table, our bookshelves. we plan to stay many more hours. the reason for this illegal squatting in a public space? the inevitable job quest. I have 3 more minutes of play time before i must return to the search. I am scared.

We have nested in the house, setting up our individual spaces, unpacking our belongings. well, megan is done unpacking, I have decided to take over two rooms to fit all my stuff. Last night we painted and my room is beautiful. i will not describe it, i will simply let the pictures take your breathe away. when i take some. i like how quiet it is. silence can be so loud.

i have been commanded to blog.

i am on a road trip of mammoth perportions. with Megan and Jennifer. and we are in Boston.

Highlights:

Bridges
34 police cars sighted
Getting lost driving in D.C.
Riding the Metro with Rachel
A bee in the car causing utter choas
Reading aloud the epic novel, The Blue Sword
Discovering that our given directions forgot to identify one way streets
The car bottoming out in Jonathan's parking lot
Seeing Tons of Dolphins at the beach
Seeing Becca in Virginia
Pedicures

and lots of laughter

well, my softball team, the food bank mafia, are offical the rec co-ed league champions, woot woot. here is our team photo, which looks bizarre and i think was extensively photo shopped, a skill which guy claims, though, frankly, all his photo shopped finished products look strange...judge for yourself.

i have been going and going and going and telling myself that it is humanly possible to keep up the hours i've been working, don't think about it christa, just keep going. and now i am done and my brain is thinking about things other than fence slates, screws, and drills that don't work. and i can neither confirm nor deny that i am freaking out. a little. mindless packing will do that do you too.

these last few weeks have been like the ending of a bad teen movie, i mean, really? truth is stranger than fiction in these last days in alamosa. Lulu had their final concert, which went really well. The four of us in the group have decided to stage a huge fight as explanation for why the group must part ways. artistic differences is a cooler reason than new jobs. then we had geek prom. amazing. tonight is the final game in softball, for the championship. and last night our accountant through us a medieval going away banquet. she wouldn't give us forks. really.

all that to say there are no words to describe my relief and sorrow that this experience is over and am glad that i will still be in Colorado so that i don't really have to say goodbye to anyone. there will be many tears, regardless.

i have not written in a while, partly due to my crazy schedule (i will have at least 24 hours of comp time from working that shall never be redeemed) and partly to my high level of anxiety about this next life transition that i cannot seem to shake. well, i am better, i can actually breathe now. i was talking to a co-volunteer about this anxiety and we came to the conclusion that seeing so many people at the shelter who cannot seem to make things work, who have no support network, who have seen failure after failure until there is no hope left can skew your perspective a bit. and than i remembered that i am not alone and for that i am very very thankful.

we have our big final concert in a few days and i am freaked out. i think that also has something to do with a viewing of a documentary that a local yokel made...it's called 'everyone but you: a documentary about being an independent artist/ musician/ failure' i don't know why but it just made me feel down.

oh well. i am especially bummed because we collectively just wrote a new song that is my FAVORITE we have done so far and it won't be ready for its debut aka it won't be debuted ever because rachel's going to india and i cannot play the piano. but we do have four originals to play, so thats exciting---my main role is as lyricist in the creative process. anyway-one of the songs i wrote by myself and am continually fighting my sheepish feelings at its, well, i don't know what. but i do know i really do like, no matter what anyone else says, so there!

i feel like a marathoner dragging myself toward the finish line that is still some distance away. at this rate they are not going to make me miss alamosa at all! except for the people i love here...
good news about today: only two hours in the office and the rest of the day with harry.

i am really excited about networking

a woman in my work group lives in boulder and....has friends...who run a CSA (community supported agriculture) farm! and i had been looking for one in my area and hadn't found one....and there it is--my local (ish) csa. so fresh vegetables, raw milk, and eggs are in my near, forseeable future...that means my own cheese and yogurt can be made. and i can go volunteer and learn on a farm!! so i can have my own!!

http://www.conservapedia.com/Main_Page

i mean, really?

Success
To laugh ofetn and much;
to win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children;
to earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends;
to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others;
to leave the world a better place,
whether by a healthy child
a garden patch
or a redeemed social condition;
to know even one life has breathed easier
because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.

-attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson
more likely by Bessie Stanley, 1904

this week i had a dream where i was at the ocean and could not escape the huge waves that were coming toward me. this was the first dream i have had of waves since college, where almost every week i would dream of terrifying waves or my teeth falling out. i think it means i am overwhelmed. today i slept in until 9, ate breakfast, and then took a nap, rolling into the office at 1 in the afternoon. lovely.

i have groups consecutively until i leave but allison is going to help me out.

and rachel is bequeathing to me her free massage tomorrow :) hooray!

and now i shall go back to bed.

we have a mouse in our house. yes, for real. and it didn't really bother me until i saw that the clever little monster managed to get into a drawer and chew up my favorite wooden spoon. oh, it is on now little mouse. you do not eat my cooking spoons, no sir. you better watch those pretty paws of yours because today i am putting out the traps.

last night i had an impromptu dinner party. like shawna said, its nice to eat fancy food but still be able to eat with your fingers. i will tell you what we had because i am shamefully proud of myself. stuffed artichoke, shrimp and grits, green beans, baked pears with carmel sauce. simple but so yummy.

keirsa and i just finished a 12 hour baking marathon. thats right 12 hours, for Allison's wedding tomorrow.

5 chocolate pear cakes
6 lemon lavender cakes
2 chocolate raspberry tarts
2 choclate cherry tarts
1 mixed berry tart
55 lavender cupcakes

12 hours.

here are the non-scary pics. to get to our base camp of lake como we had to hike about five miles up an atrocious jeep road, so lots of rocks and little shade. but the lake was gorgeous. the mountain you can see above lake como is little bear, blanca is just around the corner.