yes. its tuesday. nothing is happening. i am putting new knobs on my dresser, i did my taxes, payed my bills, did laundry. i will probably also go on a walk, put in some more applications, and take a nap.

i wish there was more. but there is not.

tonight i have the delightful duty of watching Eli. So far he has slept the majority of our time together. cool. i'll just....wait for you to wake up Eli ;)

i am watching Titanic and reminiscing about when i first saw it, on a birthday, perhaps my fifteenth? its actually quite sad, though i remember giggling extensively when i first watched it. There are those who face death well and those who do not.

i actually have nothing to write about. just launching my feeble voice into the void.


helllllooooooooooo.

my cat is crazy


i have bought one of my tickets home-hooray!! i am really excited.

i need to make a pros and cons list for potential jobs:

Montessori after school director:

PROS:
career advancing
i would be in a supervisory position
benefits
get to wear nice clothes to work
great networking with hoity toity parents

CONS:
downtown
responsibility
potential to not be able to go home in may
40 kids
In downtown denver, long commute -possible resolved by the park and ride

Nanny:

PROS:
good money
relaxed, low key mom
guaranteed vacation in may
potential supplemental receptionist job at mr. nanny dude's office
two kids
shorter commute plus gas money
get to wear commfy clothes to work
great potential as a great job while i potentially take classes

CONS:
no benefits (but could be resolved by getting PT starbucks job)
not resume building (but potentially restorative to my frazzled over worked person)



um okay.

i had an interview and it went amazingly well. i have another interview and a follow up interview tomorrow. the major problem: only one hotttt interview outfit. hmmmm. i will have to improvise. suddenly my once incredibly empty schedule is very very full.

my activities of late (which i thoroughly enjoyed) that may confirm my (and sometimes my roommates) official spot in the world of dorkdom:

attending a university gymnastics meet- and then watching Stick It
Bible /starwars trivia game on st. patty's night, which we can't actually talk about yet because i got whooped and am still upset about it
getting excited about successfully using excel


i proudly wear my crown of geekdom with my staff of useless trivia knowledge that did not win me the Bible/ starwars trivia game. i am going to start reading the Bible again

also i dreamed of vampires again last night. it involved me becoming a vampire against my will, running away from ghouls whose entrails were leaking (quite graphically) and me, a traumatized and angry individual, trying to deal with my new reality.

i am soooooooo unemployed. i just sent out five more resumes. to entertain myself i have set out on two individual yet related projects:

1. creating a beautiful table in which i organize, categorize, and list the jobs i have applied for, dates, responses from organizations(that column is despairingly empty) etc. In fact, I believe that my table is so impressive that I should attach it along with my resume and cover letter. its a freakin' work of art.

2. writing my cover letters in different literary styles. stream of consciousness. charles dickens-esque. in couplets. compilation of haiku. capitalizing every other letter (its takes a surprisingly long time to complete this one). the list goes on. its genius really. i think everyone will appreciate my ability to think out of the box.


most of my employment seeking tasks simply remind me how freaked out i am about committing to anything long term. this seems quit paradoxical when contrasted with my over all very responsibility obsessed tendencies.

today, when driving home, it smelled like rain, which is actually quite unusual for the great CO. its either sunny or snowing here, no real in between. though i expect our summer to be fraught with thunderstorms.

last night i had a dream about vampires and tortellini. actually i was making tortellini when i realized that vampires were coming to stalk me. i ran to the door and just got it locked in time (like locks stop vampires) and then they were there. it was rather terrifying. i woke myself up. don't worry they didn't get me.


we have internet at the house.

i am in a coffee shop and i am pretty sure someone just snapped a picture of me and then ran away. this individual was lurking by my coveted desk seat in the sea of coffee shop couches and i simply assumed they were attempting to make me uncomfortable in order to steal my seat. after a few glances in their direction, i gave up my monitoring of their movements, assuming, correctly, that i am much more stubborn than they and will stay as long as needed to stake my claim on this spot. but then, in an instant, they were up close next to me, snapped a picture on their cell phone, turned and walked away quickly, making their escape before i could formulate an appropriate retaliation. um, and what would be an appropriate response, i am still unsure. what just occurred here?

i met Keirsa and Eamon for lunch on sixteenth street and caught up on all the alamosa gossip. for real, there needs to be a la puente reality show going on because this town has redefined DRAMA. there is so much to be said.

i am blogging when i need to be writing cover letters. so farewell.

yeah, and we also went to stomp! which was amazing and i decided that is what i want to do with the rest of my life. beat of pieces of trash creating incredible music for all. yes. i have also decided that in order to make this happen i am going to write mtv and apply for their show MADE (but actually i checked their website, i don't think that show anymore, i will write all the same)and have them make me into a stomp person. i could rock that out.

or i will find a pbs show to participate in.


i got a reply for a nanny job. either way, graduate school is definitely in my imminent future. i have decided. fall '09 higher levels of learning and brainwashing, here i come.

i am glad that the early twenties is supposed to feel so crazy because it does. it feels like have no anchor for my existence. but enough, i am moving forward.

i am in boulder, with Rachel. hanging out. chilling. music. its good.

so, like so many people, i really enjoy the blog 'stuff white people like' its highly entertaining. today's was titled 'hating corporations' talking about how the tendency is to hate all corporations except the ones that are trendy, like apple and target. even more entertaining because while reading the blog i am engaged in several of the other categories of things that white people like, like hanging out in a coffee shop, trying to be smart and cool. and i am eavesdropping on a conversation of a near by table of super hip boulder-ites, who are talking about how boulder is so conscious of shopping locally, etc etc, regurgitating the very things the blog satirizes. how amusing.

eric and jessa and eli are moved in, things are being re arranged and un packed still but it is lovely to wake up to other voices and to have so many lovely people around.

i am applying for more jobs, have not found any yet. i applied for an administrative assistant job at a hospital and the lady quickly sent back an email, 'is it fair to assume you meant to send your resume to someone else, or did you mean to apply for the position in my department?' um, i intended to apply for the job in your department, thats why i sent it to you? needless to say, i have not heard back from her. cool. i feel smart.

so lets all hope i will find a job.

on a happier note, i bought a gnocchi roller. yay.

there is something inherently lovely about tea. it could just be my early obsession with all things british, tea parties and the like, but i think it is also that one must take time with tea. or it feels like one must take time, slowly pouring into your 'smaller-than-your-average-coffee-mug' cup, sipping but not slurping the seasoned, steaming beverage. i am currently enjoying peppermint tea in boulder. it is 62 degrees and i am ecstatic with the warmth and sun. and i feel like i have, in this week and a half of unemployment, that i have regained, at least partially, my capacity to enjoy life.

i bought strings for my guitar, which has not had new strings since, um, i got it. and in the long process of restringing i not only broke a doo-hicky on the guitar (which i successfully re fixed with super glue) i broke one of the new strings! which was why i had to buy new ones in the first place, because i broke one of the old ones. so now i have a guitar with only five strings and if i buy new ones, i will just need one of the six strings that come in a set and will be off by one string for the rest of the life of the guitar, unless in some freak accident i break the other five and utilize all the strings in the box again. this is a tragedy.

no job but lots of hope and stalking of places i have applied.

"well," said Pooh, " We keep looking for home and not finding it, so I thought if we looked for this pit we'd be sure not to find it, which would be a good thing, because we might find something we weren't looking for, which might be just what we were looking for really." a.a.milne



I have crossed two things off my list today, which is successful only in regards to how long my list is, which i refuse to disclose. so its a good day.

yup, all giggles and grins here. i've broken out the ol' resume, dusted off the cobwebs from five months ago, made it run some laps, cut off some of the excess,and put in a few new adjectives, like audacious, meritorious, and sardonic, just to round everything out. i am paranoid about comma usage in general, i was given some thrashings in college due to misusage of this terrible and threatening form of punctuation, but if there are any issues i figure we can just step outside and work things out Tennyson style. just keeping it real, y'all.

wow, several teenagers just walked it and if i was moping about my twenties and the abyss that is this educational life stage, i am now so thankful and thrilled that i am no longer 13. if i was 13, i would like to be cool, like mattie vineyard. she bakes cakes and has pigs, some of which are named after harry potter characters.

i dropped my muffin on the floor. i didn't want it anyway.

they say the things that terrify you are the things that are worth doing. it may be true but it is also horrible. extremely horrible.

i need something right now, in this moment, to restore my faith in myself and maybe even my faith in humanity, if not my future. i am looking around for that something. ..it was going to be my muffin, but it fell. so, yup. still waiting.

haha.

i am in the mall and since panera, my internet connection location of the day, was packed i decided to wander around the mall for a bit, waiting for an outlet to open up. while wandering i got asked to do a survey, which i promptly agreed to since the survey involved cocktail sampling and six dollars. now i am sitting in panera eating the meal paid for by my survey and enjoying the buzz from my drink. i gave the drink excellent ratings but now fear i have to hang out at the mall longer because, well, i am Christa and i had one drink.

my week of unemployment has involved alternating episodes of panic and euphoria. what does one do with free time but think and what does thinking do but freak me out. i think (consequently), in the tradition of ophrah, craft time, and all things cheesy, (yet possibly effective) i am going to create a worry box into which i will drop all my worries. and then i might burn it.


or i might just keep coming back to repeatedly participate in the alcohol survey.

um i just finished reading redeeming love in one go, six hours, done. it was very enjoyable and brought me back to seventh grade when i read any Christian romance/ fiction i could get my hands one. i know, its a little scary. but the vineyards have the five films!! of the love comes softly by janette oke. yes i am borrowing them to watch them all.

Eric made an interesting comment about my post titled 'how to say no, etc etc' that though i quit my job i didn't really get completely away, because i have agreed to be a sub, which means i will still work for them. Which is funny and proves how deep this issue goes. i live in dread of phone solicitors because i cannot even say no to them!!! anyone asks me anything and I have a very very hard time saying no. internally i cringe and stammer out, i don't know, maybe, i will think about it, uh, okay, what did i just freaking agree too?? oh my goodness! i am really really bad at this, why i don't know, it must be me, but please don't ask me for anything unless you really want it.

in the process of moving things around in the house for our new roomies i stumbled across the old film that i narrated in the fifth grade called "Worlds of Wonder, The Neighborhoods of Charlotte." Which, personally, i think is a huge jump, to go from whole worlds of wonderment to the little neighborhood of Elizabeth within Charlotte. I re-watched it of course and my annunciation is remarkable. i can identify three main voice expressions:
1. The wide eyed 'Of Course Charlotte is amazing!' dimple, tooth sparkle, giggle
2. Sassy 'What did you think?'and i am 10 with major attitude problems
3. Didactic ' Here is random, obscure history that i am passing off like everyone knows it' so it goes, so it goes

Its genius really and my big break - Charlotte was never the same afterwards.

Megan is incredible. She lined up her shoes for me, one of the sweetest and most sincere expressions of affection i have ever witnessed.

Today is Dan's birthday and he is old. but no matter how old he gets, he will always be cool in my book. love ya man!

How To Say No or Christa Learns To Take Care Of Herself

Due to Megan's absence from the house i feel like i have not talked to anyone in ages. i called the bank lady about the car loan and kept chatting and chatting, like a verbal addict. ack, i thought, i have become that person. I will talk to ANYONE about ANYTHING for an extended amount of time, ignoring social cues, ignoring that I am less than a mere acquaintance to a majority of these victims of my garrulous attacks. alas. ear plugs needed.

I am almost done with work and as I approach, have more free time on my hands, I feel like I am unraveling even more, if that is at all possible. I just feel like my soul cannot undergo anymore attacks. We are at emergency red level. My spirit is like a balloon that floated too high and then expired with a frantic downward spiral accompanied by a somewhat tragic yet somewhat amusing farting noise as it plummeted to its demise. yep, thats me.

meanwhile, i officially have a car and it is officially named Maybell and she is the perfect car for me. we have many adventures in store my dear.


I wrote a valentine poem of which i am quite proud, of limited rhyme and poor meter:

On this day created for the masses
I say we go out and raise up our glasses
To those fools who need it this way
because they cannot say 'I love you' on any normal day
And so we toast to those sad, sorry dumb asses




Things I am glad for:
tiny spoons with which to eat whipped cream off a hot coco
Johnny Cash
walks where you see no cars and no people
bread flour and chocolate chips
standing up tall
friends close by
silliness of any variety

Megan and I were having an interesting conversation last night discussing how we process what is going on in our lives. I find that for myself, a very verbal person, the significant discoveries about who I am and what I am going through are made when I actually take time to be still and quiet with myself. And for Megan, who is naturally inclined to be an introvert, to talk out stuff with people is how she comes to definite conclusions about the things in her life. I think that I just get so tired of worrying about everything in my head all the time, it makes it very difficult for me to verbalize it or dwell on it in conversation, because I am so impatient with myself and want to just move on and do something about it, regardless of whether those attempts to act are successful.

I am going to clean and make cake and read and drink tea today.

lovely. and i don't have to work until Wednesday, lovelier still.

I have an interview for a nanny job on Thursday - I would make more money than my current job and it starts in March which would give me two weeks of rest before work begins again. I think it could be a lovely arrangement.

Recent discoveries:

pine burns much faster and easier than hard woods
my cat has reactive attachment disorder
i really like my new shoes i bought
i like babies
i am amazing

yes. life is full of humor. there is no end to the laughter.

a modern tale:

Christerina, a lowly peasant who worked for a large non-profit, was filling out paper work when she saw a lovely young girl running frantically into a cave. Confused and mystified, Christerina followed the young girl quickly into the cave. However, once in the cave there was not a young girl waiting but a terrifying dragon rooting around in the non-profit's cache of supplies and medicine. Christerina took a step back as the dragon turned her head and focused in on her new prey. Christerina was no warrior but could claim some skills of cunning and deftness of foot. In addition, she had magic spectacles which allowed her to see all that was occurring with clear perception. But these small skills, Christerina did not fool herself, were nothing to the fierce vengeance of the dragon. The dragon began to draw up to its full height and launched itself at Christerina, in one deft move knocking the magic spectacles from Christerina's face. Dumbfounded, Christerina continued to deflect blows, but was dazed by the speed of the dragon. The battle ended quickly as the dragon drove her talon into Christerina's hand. Christerina ran away.

The end.







such is my life.

i need a nap, a long one. maybe for a couple days.

I am going to buy a car, a very adult like thing to do, but apparently very easy, a couple calls, a couple signatures, a couple more bills to pay- BAM! a new Subaru in the driveway. excellent.

we have had lots of visitors and i really enjoy having lots of people around; there is always someone to talk too, always someone to answer the phone, always someone to play games with, lovely. And soon we will have something even better - more people in the mountain house home. ah, it does not get any better.

i am reading a new fantasy book that meets all my criteria for a good read. well, i don't really know what the criteria is but i like the book. um, but maybe not enough for megan's book reading list. i don't know if i can come up with must read books for that list, but i am trying. :)

i know my blogging has been few and far between but soon we will have internet at our house and there will be an endless stream of personal commentary flowing forth. i know you are all breathless in anticipation.

you don't have no words

there is an underpass right before 285, about five minutes from the mountain cabin, that always has cars parked under it. a wide variety of cars no less, from semi's to trucks to small sedans. why, i ask, why are they there? is there some secret underpass club? i think the theory of their cars being unable to drive the road is void because i definitely have seen some sturdy 4 wheel drives out there. it is a mystery but one that drives me crazy. what are you all doing?

i am very awkwardly situated in this coffee shop, i needed to plug in my computer but the only place to do it is with my cord precariously stretching across the entrance to the men's restrooms. the women are able to delicately walk around, but with each male going to the restroom, there is an awkward pause and step. sorry friends.

i am excited/ terrified about having to find a new job. but there is something exhilarating about being able to choose something new. i know i hate being obligated and tied down to a certain commitment, i really struggling with even a year commitment.

what am i to become?

plan of action/attack for revision of colorado mountain experience:
1. quit job (end date of feb 5th)
2. have party to celebrate end of job
3. obtain sweet position as administrative assistant at iliff (and if that falls through, become an exceptional nanny)
4. establish regular volunteering experience (somthing low key and involving international refugees-only once a week)
5. find some musical outlet that normal job hours will allow, either through church or some sort of local orchestra action
6. communal living with Decker-smith familial unit

i will give notice today but the thought of doing so has allowed me to breath for the first time in months.

please send out some prayers on my behalf



i am also considering just becoming a baker.

life is but a quick succession of busy nothings.


puttering, wondering, wandering fill my days.

i am going to move on from my job, this is pretty certain....i think.

as so many people have been telling me, there is just no reason to be as miserable as i am right now and that it is so easy to find a job where i can sleep at night, be at peace, and rest.

i almost feel like the fact that this job has turned me into a wreck of human being makes me weak, insubstantial and unable to handle the reality fo the world. like, i always internally think of myself as a warrior or able to handle anything. but that is clearly not the case. but maybe the job hasn't really turned me into a wreck but has simply revealed the wreck that i already was. am. ?

yesterday the sermon was on love and fear and how fear, not hatred, is the opposite of love. so true. i feel like fear is often the defining emotion of my life currently.


meanwhile, it is lovely to have wonderful women around me. in addition to the marvelous megan, exceptional elisabeth and radient rachel have been chillin in our hood.


megan's youth group girls spent the night at our cabin and there was some amazing midnight sleding going on. the best part is that when we went inside to sleep we threw tons of water on it so it would ice over. the next morning i went down in my pajamas and nearly died. it was amazing. there may be some pictures.

hello.

my employers would be glad to know that i am very stubborn and thus will not quit my job. because i will win in the end! but what victory is there to be had?

i am sitting in a coffee shop (yay) with bad paintings (love it) waiting for rachel (hooray!!!). i ordered a sandwich to eat but really it is no good- the beautiful simplicity of an apple and brie sandwich destroyed by the audaciousness of honey mustard spread. what were they thinking!!

clearly my life is very full of things to talk about, that i lead off my blog with a dissertation on what lies between the bread.

there is a program with denver urban garden project that gives away free seeds to people in the community-isn't that amazing. i am pondering if i could get the kids to garden, but its not likely. hmmm, i might try to order some on our behalf anyway.

the picture beside me is a collage of a giant fly, framed in an altar-esque tri-fold thingy titled the plague. i think they were trying to be deep but i feel they are just stating the obvious.

i am still waiting for a natural disaster, a cry from the dessert, the voice of God, or a plane crash into a tropical island to define my future for me so i would not have to wonder any longer what my purpose, talents, determination, and overall greatness are being stored up for.

my phone is locked and i don't know how to unlock it.

if you ever want a quick lesson in humility, work with kids. oh how they look into your soul and reflect what is there.

my cat is out to destroy me. last night, among her many mischievous acts while we slept, she again destroyed all toilet paper in sight and ate a stick of butter i unfortunately left on the counter. alas.

the corporate/ therapy lingo of my work setting has invaded my everyday conversation. when not feeling so hot i actually say i need to 'take space' or am going to read as a 'coping skill' or i yell at the cat for not saying 'standby' as she should before she goes anywhere. One of the most interesting things about where i work is that i am very conscious about practising what i preach to the kids, about taking care of oneself in various ways--i am very aware of what i should be doing to accomplish this. Ironic that my co-workers gave me some constructive criticism that i need to take more breaks because i keep working myself to my breaking point, which is not helpful to the children or myself. true that, i can definitely take more breaks.

last night megan, eric, and i went to see a musician at this great little bar called little bear. there was an ironic contrast between the bras hanging en mass above the stage and the heart felt acoustical stylings of the artist we went to see. it made me giggle. i also think this dude is a reflection of my brother in 25 years.

i really am glad i live with megan. i did not know i would enjoy it as much as i do ;) i feel i will have a lot to learn this election season.

swallow the very words you call your own

dear readers:

due to lack of internet, energy, information, and inclination i have not written in many days, my apologies.

things of interest:
Rachel arrives in a mere three days (**much rejoicing**)
I am wearing my favorite cat shoes
I love my cat, whose affections strayed with the many visitors that arrived at the mountain home, but now she has no alternative but to return to me for snuggles, treats, and tummy rubs. excellent
Work is hard but life is good. oh why do i always have to take the hard road when at this moment i could be a receptionist or a clerk
I drink more and more coffee with each passing day

again i am seized by a feeling so distinct and rare... i know exactly what i need to do.

leave the country.

and it doesn't even matter where.

hello new year.

i herald in the year by working an extra shift. woot woot.

but then i got to come home to Megan, Lost, and Mozzarella sticks. hooray!!

Already i think this january is looking up compared to last years January (the month is 2/3 longer when one is in Alamosa, its the truth) especially when we have so many visitors coming. excellent.

while watching Lost i have come up with the following conclusions:
1. i would be really good at being stranded on an island
2. if i cannot find an island to be stranded on, a farm is the next best thing.


i wanted to post pictures from the holidays but i cannot find my connector cord. alas.

i had a dream last night that i was a brilliant snow boarder. i am going next monday. i will keep you posted.

haven kimmel is my new favorite author. sorry robin mckinley.

i have witnessed a changing of the guard here at panera. the old ladies have all left and now the business folks are moving in. i know they are jealous that i wear no suit and get to go to work in jeans and plaid -- of course they don't get spit on and attacked with mops. its a trade off.

i have discovered through my work in recent weeks that the thing that absolutely sets me off and is my biggest button that the kids can push is cruel mockery of other children or myself. i cannot stand it. i hate being laughed at.

i think a smoke detector is going off here. how exciting.

i am off to run errands, pick up packages, buy snow boarding pants. its all about looking like you know what you are doing.

peace out yo.

all i want is to sleep alot. last night was my only chance to recharge for the next two days and 16 hours of work and the horror that is saturdays and i kept waking up and looking for something. i don't know what it is, but i was looking for something and i really needed to find it and i couldn't. and so the day begins, i am sick, exhausted and frankly feel on the verge of tears at all times. this will end. i will find rest.


i finished the solace of leaving early and it is one of the most beautiful books. i need to read it again.

its not quite the new year but its time for reflection anyway:

the blog beginnings of 2007, the fastest year of my life thus far.

January: I am back from vacation with the family. it was pretty much exactly what i needed, lots of quiet, games, movies, reading, sleep, and snow.

February: i am going to mexico, i will be back in week...

March: Christa loves to Bake.

April: why small towns are fantastic: there is a GIANT sign on State ave that is advertising the sale of BULK WORM POOP.

May: today as a warm fuzzy closer to our staff meeting we were all randomly put into pairs and had to use one word to describe the other person in a positive manner. the person i was paired with i know kind of well, i really like her, she is the office manager and lives in the mountains in a totally sustainable and pro-environment manner (like with a cool composting toilet, no electricity, and lots of solar power) anyway the word she used to describe me was real.

June: Here is a sampling of my trip to NC, out of order, yet still fabulous. I had lots of good times with my family and spent a lot of time catching up with as many people as I could fit into my brief trip.

July: well it wasn't really mount doom but there really were times i thought i was on the verge of blinking out of exisitence on this last hiking excursion.

August: i have been going and going and going and telling myself that it is humanly possible to keep up the hours i've been working, don't think about it christa, just keep going. and now i am done and my brain is thinking about things other than fence slates, screws, and drills that don't work. and i can neither confirm nor deny that i am freaking out. a little. mindless packing will do that do you too.

September: Nothing new has really happened to warrant blogging except that i like to hear myself talk, again proving that the sole purpose of blogs, or at least my blog, is unadulterated self-worship.

October: today is a beautiful day, cool and crisp and very fall like. it makes me very very happy

November: hello. i blogged a bit ago but inadvertently deleted the whole thing. boo. now i try again.

December: you know that horrible claustrophobic feeling that comes with having static electricity in your hair or a wedgie you cannot correct without public humiliation. that is how i feel today but without any external cause to blame the feeling on. i am the wedgie.

do prairie dogs hibernate?

(White-tailed and Gunnison's prairie dogs hibernate from about October to March, depending on elevation. Black-tailed prairie dogs do not hibernate, but will stay below ground for several days during cold cloudy weather.)

its my birthday and i do what i want! which means go to work. phooey. i think all birthdays should be holidays celebrated by people brining you breakfast in bed, spa treatments, lounging, slippers, fires, and reading good books all day long.

but my family comes tonight, which is great and exciting. i especially excited that just as baby eli leaves my life for two.5 weeks, baby amelia enters it, so there will be no lack of baby love.

i am listening to the people around me, and the majority of them are lamenting holiday family functions, oh the irony of the holidays.

and malls are an abomination to the world.

these are my opinions.


still haven't selected a ' year 24' themesong, it was suggested i should select some john denver but no, i think not.

i finished writing a song, well i actually wrote two new songs but they sound so similiar, really i need to move away from Am but i like it so much! alas. i also need new guitar strings.

the barista (but its a guy, what do you call a guy barista, barister?) is singing horribly to the music and it is highly amusing.
i am roasting here in the sun. roasting.

and thus my birthday passes as just another day with nothing profound nor incredible occurring but the little things that i love.


here is my horoscope:

Kids play a prominent role in the day's activities. If you've got some, spend a little extra time with them; if not, you may want to check in with friends or relatives so you can soak up the positive, youthful energy

(oh if they only knew)

from the onion:
Like a shooting star, so too will your outer extremities ignite while hurdling through the earth's atmosphere in May.

(excellent)

current theme song options for year 24:
when the stars go blue, rayn adams
let's dance, david bowie
i'm bringing sexy back, justin timberlake
flash gordon, queen





i am kidding about justin.

you can give a lot without ever having to sacrifice (and this is not good thing)

this is my second time in the coffee shop that i have seen these UPS dudes hanging out. its great, they chat about thier vans, grip about hours, and lounge in their brown uniforms. classic.

so i tried to throw myself a birthday party last night....but no one came....i even made a delicious tart and tons of cookies and .... no one came. it sounds more pathetic than it was, actually megan and i were both a little relieved that no one came, so we ate the cookies and tart and shared a bottle of wine and stayed up until the woodstove grew cold, talking. megan also pointed out the lack of attendees was really that we don't really know anyone not that we know lots of people that didn't come. phew. and she also pointed out, in the wisdom she always has, that we have made three really good friends that we love hanging out with, jessa, eric, and eli - which in the short time we have been here is amazing and a gift.

there was another story i was going to share but i cannot remember...

i will be 24 tomorrow but i still feel like i am 12, is that normal?

i think i am going to make cupcakes today

i think i have become more southern upon leaving the south.



an excerpt from Lost by david Wagoner

...You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows where you are. You must let it find you.

little triumphs

i am officially not allergic to wheat (which still leaves the mystery of my symptoms...curious) bring on the mac and cheese

the snowblower functions

i am turning 24--i need a theme song for the next year, any suggestions? i am thinking queen again

shawna--it makes me happy you read megan's blog

megan and i are getting tattoos on monday (parents you have thus been officially warned)

i successfully navigated uptown in the snow without hitting any pedestrians

i am determined to have fun tonight regardless of how cranky the children are

today i saw a two year old who refused to wear shoes and was lying on the floor screaming cause his feet were cold--i hear you kid, i feel the same way.

found a new oranic vegetarian cage, excellent, and the barista lady complemented my home made scarf. she has excellent taste.


i think i'm cute

i am reading a book i love

i made christmas cookies last night and have the most perfect bird cookie cutter

i washed the dishes last night and cleaned out the fridge



the best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely, or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quite alone with the heavens, nature, and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, admidst the simple beauty of nature. As long as this exists, and it certainly always will, I know that then there will always be comfort for every sorrow, whatever the circumstances may be. Anne Frank

i think Megan is the link to my sanity right now. she has an inherent ability to allow one to be themselves in whatever state that may be and make that okay. she says that is because people see how messed up she is and feel invariably better about themselves but i don't believe that is true. i think she is just good at giving you space to be crazy in her presence without judgment. either way, i feel like i will be okay when i am with her.

there is lots of snow and we still cannot get our snow blower to work, which i call ironic, whether it is or not. i will soon be selling Christa's one hour snow shoveling work out video, complete with 80s music medley.

I watched a horrible movie lately called Mountain Family Robinson. This film had been recorded over Cheetah, which is what i thought i was watching. such anguish that the perfection that is the film Cheetah was taped over for a 70s feel good film that was 75% slow motion montages of kids running through wild flowers and wild animals playing. my real issue is that this family had tame wild animals which i think completely nullifies the principals of intentional mountain living. and their garden was totally lame. whatever. if anyone has a copy of cheetah, please send it to me.

i have just entered at least 12 swwepstakes and i am bound to win something.

so here i am.

it snowed most of the weekend and i hid in my house. i decided i like snow, as long as i don't have to drive. this means it is going to be a long winter for me. the sun came out on sunday and was so tangible, everywhere the sun didn't reach stayed icy and blue but the places where it did hit glowed.

i didn't sleep well saturday night but that enabled me to see the sunrise sunday morning. i put on all my layers and tromped out in the snow at the crack of dawn, saying good morning to the deer, until it was too cold to be outside any longer and i rushed inside to sit by the wood stove.

you know that horrible claustrophobic feeling that comes with having static electricity in your hair or a wedgie you cannot correct without public humiliation. that is how i feel today but without any external cause to blame the feeling on. i am the wedgie.

i might have a broken nose.

last night when i was driving home i think the car next to me hit a deer but i was just far enough in front of the other car to not know exactly what was happening except that he swerved toward me then suddenly pulled over. i looked for hints of what happened, for all i saw was large and white jumping into the road, but nothing was there. i think it was a Yettie.

i am in a bad mood i know and i apologize. i got nothing.

yesterday i found that when i spoke this questionable southern drawl kept emerging from my mouth--i kept calling all the children darlin' or honey and don't really know how to account for it.

it is time for a list of things that make me happy:

Tiffany, who is patiently enduring my grump and who took funny pictures with me last night

my parents, my family, what can i say, i love them

my cat, though she drives me crazy, is so sweet while being crazy, i strive to emulate her

my guitar that i cannot really play, specifically the A7 chord

my boots

books

gay bars, specifically gay country bars

most children, except the one that broke my nose (just kidding i like him too)

hot chocolate

the promise of sleep and sanity

last night i saw a falling star....or a plane crashing, i am not sure which.

photos by Tiff

there is a dilemma. last week i decided that when working with the children to error on the side of compassion, because i had had some incidents of being extremely firm and it did not make me feel good at the end of the day. but now i have changed my mind again. because compassion didn't necessarily work either. so i don't know where that leaves me.

i want a new tattoo and am very very excited about it. it is drawn on me and the more i see it the more i like it. i hope it will signify and remind me to live intentionally and with purpose.

when i came to the coffee shop this morning they knew who i was and how i liked my coffee. splendid.

i am having trouble regrouping after last saturday of work and i am not sure how to make myself okay by three today. i am starting with a book and coffee.

i borrowed megan's bag and everytime i see it here beside me i instinctively look up and around for her but she is not here, clearly. silly me.

jessa, eli, tiffany, and i went to boulder yesterday and spent the whole day browsing without finding anything--or what i mean is we mainly stole ideas we could do ourselves. i love doing that. and Eli is such a gentleman, sigh, so sweet and such great company.

do not be ashamed of the miracle inside of you

This week went by very quickly but i find myself completely devoid of brain power or energy now that i have reached the end. yesterday (saturday) was not a good day for me.

Thanksgiving was lovely and quiet and cozy. perfect really. i like being relaxed with people i like and just hanging out and talking and being silly.

i am so glad its the weekend, sometimes it feels like i am holding my breath all week and then suddenly i can breath again.

i am wearing pink tights today and i feel like a super hero who decided to use her superhero tights in an everyday outfit, Edna 'E' Mode would be furious.

the sky is very blue and mountains white. mountains are pretty.

we watched the old dr. doolittle and geoffery holder, who plays william shakespere the 10th seemed so familiar we imbd'ed him and he was punjab in annie!! ahh and the narrator in the new willie wonka.

that is amazing. even more amazing, the lady next to us said her little girl did not want to watch the new dr. doolittle on the way to grandma's house this holiday and she said she would walk instead of watching it and since grandma's house was only a quarter of a mile away they let her. good choice little lady, the old version is the only one worth watching.

and then that makes me think, how crazy is it that you watch movies in your car, i mean on one hand ingenious but on the other hand i really loved car trips because of the time spent reading, coloring, watching the scenery, and listening to books on tape (and fighting with my brothers) are the next generation of children going to be completely devoid of creativity and imagination? i weep for you oh children of the new millenium. throw out your portable dvd players and ipods and make your own plays and your own music! oh for the computer illiterate days of old!
come on people!

also, how awkward are spontaneous coffee shop conversations where it becomes obvious one party was eaves dropping on another and then you feel psuedo obliged to keep talking after the inital comment was made. er, okay, stop talking to me now. the same thing happens on airplanes. this mom and her daughter had matching black, knee high boots and they kind of scared me.

my spell check isn't working (speaking of the curses of computer assistance) so please forgive the inevitable errors.

so while typing in the web address for facebook the other day i was off by a letter and was transferred to the most humorous website. www.facdebook.com

it's logo/ catchphrase is 'what you need, when you need it' but the list of things you might need are as follows:

russian bride
mail order bride
dating service
christian singles
cheap car rental
russian wife
russian woman
find friend
chat

i mean really.
amazing. you can rent a car and get a bride.

tiffie and mohegan are fantastic. its rather startling to realize how few days megan and i see each other. like, we hang out thursday, friday, saturday and thats it. we might see each other days but mostly we just see the shadow of each other. now tiffany is our link.

however they just conspired to throw orange peels at me in a public space. really ladies, friendship over. stop laughing.

i am feeling restless, tired but i cannot sleep, a bit anxious. zardonne. and i don't like it. and i don't know how to fix it.

i am very excited abou the holidays though. i have recipes planned, am thinking about where to put the christmas tree, what i want to do for my birthday, all the lovely people i will get to see soon (i.e. my fab fam)

someone thought i was someone else today. this happens to me a lot, as i have joked often (too often) i am the universal friend donor. i remind everyone of someone else they know. this sometimes makes me feel vague and unmemorable. how interesting to be someone that always evokes memories of someone else but not yourself.

i like being good at everything i do but do not feel good at my job, which i am hoping is just in my head but either way its humbling, a feeling i am not comfortable with. i think i need to spend some time with humilty for a while. just sit with that reality that i don't know everything nor am i good at everything and i (duh) have some serious failings. sigh.

i will write later when i am in a better mood. i think the lack of light in the world does not have a good effect on me. i need more vitamin d.

tiffany is here and we have had a splendid time playing thus far. activities of yesterday and today:
walk in the park
food on the deck
broadway thrift stores and antiques
lunch with jessa and eli (who also hung out with us on broadway and beading)
bead store
caribou to watch megan work
drive by of downtown

so far so good. it is great to have her around and we have been scheming about crafts all day.

i just drank a caffeinated beverage and i already have the shakes, excellent.

i think i am the only person in this coffee shop right now. splendid.

i watched munich last night and thought it was great. the first time i watched it was very very confused because there were people wall papering while i watched it, very distracting. Megan, i out one netflicks dealio in the mailio, so it is not lost, fyi)

i am feeling very reminiscent of Prague this morning, mainly i think because so much of my time in Prague was spent in coffee shops, thinking and reading and writing, which is what i have been doing this morning.

i woke up naturally at dawn this morning, which i take to be yet another sign that my farming destiny is awaiting me. where is my land! oh where is my land!

and i looooovvveeee coffee. it is happiness in an inanimate, edible (er, sippable) form. delightful.

nope i was wrong there is someone else here, he just sneezed and scared the bajeezes out of me. i am wearing earrings i made (thank you shawna for inspiration, always) as usually i am inordinately proud of myself. well done, oakes, well done.


i googled 'very important things' and this website was the first on the que.
http://with-gusto.livejournal.com/

apparently he takes old ads and writes sometimes funny sometimes not funny onion-esque blurbs to them. my favorite is june 10th 2004.

i am very disappointed in this year of being 23. i had great expectations for it. but now that it is almost over i cannot really recollect anything of significance that has occurred. shame. and, as i was discussing with friends earlier this week, the number 24 disgusts me. really. 24 is too fluffy, symmetrical, pink, round, and even. ugh. i may make up a new number/name/symbol for that year of my life marked by the number that may not be mentioned. from now on it shall be @$. on december 18th i shall turn @$. excellent.

i am reading an excellent book that gives me goosebumps and makes me wonder in awe at God. there is so much i do not know.
"He has told you, O mortal, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" Mic. 6:8

My Father is a genius. No, really. he has saved me many times this week, from giving me directions when i am lost (for serious, he asked me where the sun was, uh right in front of me dad, then that is west, ahhhhhhh. the moon is on your crypt side) and fixing my wireless connection all the way from NC. Is there no end to his greatness? truly, i have an amazing gene pool.

My cat is a reflection of my life: a disaster. a story of Vashti who is also known as Kitty, Stinky, Pookie, and on occasion, Toilet Cat.

Part One: The Cat Burglar

One day lady one* and lady two* lived in a house in the mountains with a cat named Mirabelle* lady one and lady two were puzzled because Mirabelle was not eating her supper and usually this particular cat has a particularly insatiable appetite. The two ladies puzzled over this mystery without finding a solution.


However, one day lady one and lady two came home from work to discover that the cupboard where Mirabelle's food was stored had been opened and all the food bags were opened and rifled through!


oh my, said lady one. yes indeed, said lady two. we have been greatly deceived in the character of this kitty, lady one and lady two said together. without another word the two ladies set to work cat proofing the cabinet. tupperware is a beautiful thing the ladies mused.


from then on, though Mirabelle tried oh so hard, the kitty food was safe from the kitty. (until the clever kitty learned how to knock the plastic containers to the floor, thus effectively removing the lid and spilling the contents)



*The names in this story have been changed to protect the innocent

Part Two: Random Acts of kitty violence


The toilet paper massacre is not an uncommon sight in the mountain home, when the kitty gets in touch with her predatory roots and attacks all things unsuspecting and fluffy.

The destruction of mosquito netting and the capture of an innocent doll.


yes, she may look innocent, but mischief illumines all her features.

i am sorry for my lack of blogging my wireless internet thingy is not working and i have to get a new one, add it to my list of things to do.

yesterday i went and hung out with the youth group at first plymouth, which was a lot of fun. i like kids and hanging out with kids. for a moment i thought, oh my goodness i cannot relive the horrors that was highschool but then i reminded myself that i am now confident and capable and not (as) socially awkward. geez christa go start a conversation with an eighth grader and everything was fine. the youth group is also excellent because they play some of my favorite games, like sardines and ultimate frisbee.

megan is applying for a job at the tennyson center and i really really hope she gets it--it would be amazing for her and then i would pseudo replace her by getting a part time job at caribou and thus we would both be happily happily employed and productive.

i have decided that i can only be truly happy if self employed and living on a farm.the end.

i have been having these bizarre and kind of scary headaches that enable the hypochondriac within me to freak out (brain tumor? vascular disorder?)There is a point in my childhood where i distinctly recall wishing that i had cancer or some disease (morbid and selfish, i know) so that i could do what i want without feeling like i am trying to live up to someones expectations - everyone would just say, look at how well she is doing, its a miracle she is alive, and i could be gently heroic while self-righteously, arrogantly acknowledging that i would not have to explain any of my plans, choices, or decisions to anyone and i could just live, because that would be enough.

megan and i are having a coffee shop date and i have missed her so so much! i am glad that we have some overlapping schedule time.

i think we are both really tired, megan more so.

my cat wakes me up every night between three and four am, it is very confusing and i just lock her outside of my room where she cries the rest of the night. i have dreams that the cat is actually a child that i work with and i am trying all my strategies to figure out what is going on with this child/cat to figure out why they are acting out and being agressive and negative towards peers and authority figures. Vashti, what is going on in your psyche? do you need a therapist? stop stealing food!

i keep lamenting the state of our social life but megan has reminded me that for being here two months we have done pretty well. true that. and Tiffany is coming to visit and i am very excited about showing her around the mountains.

i spent a good amount of time painting yesterday and it was fantastic. i am amazing (please note that this is a sarcasm laced comment)

i must now return the computer to mohegan. peace.

hello. i blogged a bit ago but inadvertently deleted the whole thing. boo. now i try again.

the cat is stealing food: story to follow

my halloween was deliciously low-key, with Jessa and Eli and soup and Charlie Brown and a nap on their couch pre- Megan pick up. Lovely. I am really tired but thankfully have a bit of a day to re-coop today before my saturday marathon shift that just about kills me every time.

yesterday a black cat walked in front of my car and i saw and old school hearse with a man in a tux with a ruffly shirt driving it. fantastic.

i got some new books at the library, i plan to read them all very quickly, hopefully. i have a huge stack of books i want to read but my reading has come to a stop recently. i need to hop on that.

i feel like i usually have a lot to say during my week and i am like, i should blog about that. and then i forget.

i am going to make polenta gnnoci today--i will let you know how it goes.

at the gym today, the man made me do pushups and i almost died. like my arms were moving millimeters and i was counting it as a pushup. meanwhile some super woman was doing pullups like she was born in the gym. i silently loathe her. i may or may not have collapsed on the floor, i cannot confirm nor deny. thank God for my sense of humor which enabled me to peel myself off the floor.

so i drove down to the alamosa for the weekend and it was great! the drive on 285 is so beautiful and the valley is stunning. it is a bit surreal to be back but nice too. met some of the new volunteers, they are cool i guess(i mean not like LAST year's volunteers) and a surprising amount of Southerners, one from Georgia, two from Virginia, and one from south Carolina. interesting. and we watched the end of the world series and the Rockies sad effort. boo. i am now in milagros, a place i used to frequent so often and am about to head to the shelter to say hi. thats it for now. more later

who needs an alarm clock when you have a cat?

i joined the gym. which is great. but now i am painfully aware of my need to be there. a lot. but overall it makes me happy.

i am excited because this is the first week that i am actually working the schedule that they said i would have. so no early mornings! so i am at the coffee shop, i slept in, and i plan to get all my errands done and then go to work. its like i actually have a day!

i think once my schedule settles down i am going to get another job. i could work mornings in a coffee shop or something, something relatively mindless.

i remember this first time that i actually became excited about faith. it was at one of those EV free youth conferences my youth group went to every other year and i heard Tony Campolo speak. and he challenged everything about our lifestyle and the way we live and think. i don't even remember what he said but that my reaction was utter excitement that here was some tangible demonstration about faith that i could see and experience myself. i remember lots of disagreement within the youth group and i thought, this is even better, we are actually talking about something!!

i guess i get a similar feeling now that i am reaching semi-adult like places in my life where i feel finally empowered to decide my path, what i will do, and where i will go. and it is exhilarating! i mean for the most part i get caught up in the daily grind and concerns of life but then there are days like today when the possibilities seems endless and i cannot wait to get started and sort it all out!

thats all i got

i was working on a sewing project today and it was lovely. i was in the quiet and my mind could chew on things while my hands stayed busy. the cat actually ventured upstairs to keep me company, a rarity, and of course she was rather troublesome, leaping on things as i made them and trying to eat the tissue patterns i was working with.

i remember my mom trying to teach me to sew and my frustration with not be able to do it on my own or be able to make it all come out right the first time. i got so angry! my poor mother. i also remember carrying up knives from the kitchen and sliding them across the patterns on the fabric so that they would lay still while we pinned the pattern to the fabric. i remember being amazed at mom's sewing skills, she whipped up a petticoat for me in minutes on night before going to see the Nutcracker for my birthday. it was white muslin with lace on the bottom. i remember it specifically because i was also wearing my pink sailor-esque dress and while we were waiting for the show to start i went up to look at the orchestra in the pit and another little girl asked me if i was in the show, because of my dress. i realize now that this possibly could reflect a questionable sense of fashion but i was thrilled! i looked like i was in the show! (at that time in my life i was convinced i was going to be discovered and that i would soon become a famous actress. i remember fantasizing for the rest of the night that because i was so suitably dressed, if they had needed someone to be replaced on stage that evening i would be the first they would go to. naturally)

I find memory fascinating, one because i have so many great memories and two because i have so many random memories. its as if anything you concentrated on particularly hard, no matter how mundane, will be stuck in your brain forever.

i am a coffee shop after 8 pm - Alamosa, take notes!


i am waiting to see if there will be a social gathering this evening, as part of my project to be more socially active. but really i just want to go home, eat dinner, finish sewing and go to bed early.

i should have been a pioneer.

i just remembered this, something i heard at first plymouth, a quote from John Robinson,
'.. I am very confident the Lord hath more truth and light yet to break forth out of His holy word.'

i love the mysetery of God and the fact there is so much unknown about life and God and find it so refreshing (though challenging) to let go of trying to figure it all out and instead to trust that there is 'more truth and light' to come.

it snowed again. i shoveled the driveway, well most of it until i got bored and went inside by the fire. thus the existence of the ice on the top of the driveway that i didn't get to. oops. note to self, shovel it all.

megan and i watched cold mountain (appropriate)last night, so so sad. i didn't cry but sighed a lot. we talked about who would have been a better Ada then Nicole (because she is blonde while Ada was distinctly brunette, and Nicole always poised and graceful while Ada is supposed to be inept and awkward, always) we thought that it should have been Natalie Portman or Maggie Gyllenhal, both actresses who can portray accurately the change in the character. whatever nicole, good try. (p.s. thanks shawna for the soundtrack, oh so lovely)



one of the children at work needed a halloween costume and i quickly volunteered to do so, given that i love to sew and have no social life to speak of. The little person wanted to be a cat ballerina and this is what i came up with, you cannot see the tail, which has a pink bow on it, so so cute, i almost kept it.

megan and i went to a 'degrees for the public good' fair and i collected lots of info about lots fo different degree options and am still feeling like an international development or international health degree is the direction i want to go. it is time like these when i ask the question, why am i in the states right now? i need to leave as soon as possible. one of my biggest fears is getting to comfortable and settling down when my exploring is not done yet, waking up one day and realizing i am not where i want to be at all! not that i know where i want to be but i am slowly discovering where i don't want to be, which, is a bit of a step forward i guess.

i am feeling incredibly socially challenged lately. first, work is overwhelming but i don't want it to take over my life. but at the end of the day i am so tired and again, overwhelmed, that i just go home. sigh. i will work on this, this is my project.

you learn so much about yourself when you do something new. especially working with kids. why does it seem so hard to not obsess over my discomfort and put others first? i have never felt so transparent before, so very very aware of all my failings and weaknesses. but i guess the thing is, is that they, the kids or staff, are not asking me to be perfect. they are asking that i be present and compassionate. but most of the time i feel angry. i really really really hate being laughed at and there has been many times already when a child is laughing at my inability to control them. which again, it is not my job to control but to try and guide and teach. i am just so thankful that i am able to leave work each day and drive into the mountains.

the most i ever learned about God was when i wasn't with christians....

megan and i were watching LOTR: return of the king and our conversation floated to fantasy archetypes and how harry potter reflects the LOTR themes a bit, but then pretty much every fantasy film has these consistent good vs. evil, the hero within us all themes. then, before my eyes, i was able to see grey's anatomy in LOTR. Meredith is frodo, mc dreamy is sam, who is faithfully, loyally (for the most part) trying to help Froedith get to her end goal. Christina is gollum (stay with me) who has slain a beloved one in the pursuit of her goal(the ring/ a career/ inner turmoil what not) Froedith sees herself in Chrisollum and hopes that they both can survive their burden. Izzy and George are Merry and Pippin, respectively (i won't describe all the parallels but they are totally there, i especially like equatting izzy's denny incident with merry and the globe thing that he tries to look in and is burned by, i forget its name) there was some debate of whether Bailey was arragon or gandalf but i think arrogan because Baily is a warrior. and thus LOTR becomes LOTER (lord of the ER. don't scoff you know you love it)

as many of you know i loathe voicemail. i think i have some misplaced negative associations with voicemail. to me it represents one responsibility i can avoid with little consequence, symbollic of my dislike of all responsibilities that must be constantly attended to. I don't know, i always imagine that each voicemail is not a friend but a little evil voice telling me what i have to do, what have i failed to do, what i am not good at. i have recently discovered that my brian is also like my voicemail, full of little voices i don't want to talk to but soon gets so full that there is no room for anything else until it gets emptied out. and that takes so much effort.

i really like watching british films or american films and being able to identify which Jane Austen film adaptation the obscure british actors have been in. for example, in the importance of being earnest, the actress that play gwendolyn is fanny in mansfield park. And an actress from Scoop also played the role of a sister in both Mansfield park and Persuasion. And the dude who is the bad guy in Tomb Raider two is the main love interest in Persuasion. Movies like Emma and Sense and Sensibility are, of course, easy and don't really count, because hugh grant, colin firth, kate winslet, and emma thompson are really easy to place. duh.

megan and i are having an adventure today, we are getting coffee, and checking email and then we are going to hit the road. it is sunny and drippy outside as all the snow is melting. i love snow and winter and fall.

Megan has mentioned in her blog that we are thinking of moving into town. this largely has to do with the fact that if we stay in the mountains megan will have to buy a new car, which would be very unfortunate. so we are hunting for affordable places and i am really hoping that there will be some great public transportation options and a grocery in walking distance.

i feel like there was more i was going to say but i cannot think of it now. hmmmm. that is all then.

we have had our first snow. and i didn't crash and die. i take that as a sign.

today i am tired and weary and have been trying not to cry all day. sometimes i feel so full that a kind word or glance will just release the floodgates of tears, which is embarrassing when i don't really know anyone but just start sobbing in public. ahem. excuse me. so i left quickly and am now enjoying anonymity at the local coffee shop. sometimes i feel like i am desperately looking around me for understanding, a friend, or a hug. the people that know me best are so far away. but how lucky am i to say that i have people that know me.

megan woke me up today to see the snow and i decided to drive into town early to get online and take care of emails and such and on the drive into town i realized that the membership class started today. oops. but thankfully due to my earliness, i arrived right on time! its a miracle. it was great to meet some new folks and hear about the church and the more i hear the more i like it. i like the phrase' united in essentials but diverse in non-essentials' when talking about statements of faith. and that it is a non-creedo church, acknowledging that God cannot be contained by our conception of faith and is greater than any creed we may come up with or create. God's truth is still ultimate and absolute but cannot be contained. nothing gets me as excited as envisioning an adventurous God that i cannot even comprehend. that there is hope and peace available beyond the limits of my mind. i also love a vision of heaven that is a continuous journey, not unlike lewis' the great divorce.

another phrase i liked:
we are decidely christian and unconditionally welcoming


my heart is so heavy today on the behalf of others- my friends that i love and the hard choices before them, the children i work with that cannot believe in anything good in the world or themselves, the uncertainty i feel in my own life (which is so little compared to these other things)

i have to figure out how to fill myself with peace and quietness in these new places. i think i might build an altar today. a little bit of ritual could be good for me right now. and paint and glue sticks.

ways to impress your supervisor: do an excellent job driving a 15 passenger van full of kids, only at the end i stopped at a green light. she looked at me and all i could think was, why is she looking at me like i am crazy, what am i missing here. and then i got it. i am an idiot. but i did get to go to the circus.

i really hope at some point in my life i will get to go to cirque de sole. no animal mistreatment and lots of acrobats and more tasteful costumes than barnum and baily.

i went home to nc and it was great for a mini get away and BABY TIME. here are some pics. i think the majority of the time i held Amelia she was making expressions of boredom, disdain, and/ or horror. (she is a smart one, she can do all three at once)

my job is really hard but i keep reminding myself it is the hard things that are worthwhile. i hope so anyway. i also got a random email about grad school applications from one of the grad schools i inquired too for more info...hmmm grad school, am i ready for you? i have loved learning about cells and basic math again while in the classroom this past week. i am not going to lie, my over achive/ competitive nature totally kicks in and its all i can do to not ask for a handout from the teacher so i can finish the assignments too.

other notes, i ran by the grocery store this morning to pick up secret treats for secret someones to go into secret packages and there was something weird going on, like safeway corporate was in the house because everyone was on their grocery store A game. i had like five people say hi to me as i was just walking by, i was in my own world searching for the right aisle and everyone just kept saying hello, which is great, but odd. i suppose they could have been talking to someone else, but i don't think so. it took me so off guard each time that i could only offer the belated afterthought response greeting, a sheepish hi under my breath because i am uncertain why they are talking to me. i did wash my hair this morning, maybe i was exceptionally attractive this morning and people couldn't keep themselves from trying to draw the sunlight of my attention to themselves.

coffee house redemption

thank goodness! i have found the perfect coffee shop. i will list out the things i love as i spot them:

it is ten minutes from my house
has free wi-fi
closest prices to alamosa coffee
friendly people
connected to a used bookstore
comfy with old couches and non-pretentious
i look around and the people hanging out here i could be friends with
good mugs, simple but sturdy
hidden away
i can see the mountains
it looks like they bake all their own bake goods, never trust people that don't make their own brownies

i bought two gardening books for a dollar at the store next door, both with tips for indoor plants (so the deer don't eat your food) and lots of herbs and such
i am super excited. i am taking notes for my (our) future farm.

i am very happy today, for no specific reason except i am excellent at knitting (i cannot reveal my craftiness because my latest discovery will be gifts for oh so many of you), i love libraries, i love the mountains and cool mornings, i love my cat, i love megan, i love sleeping, i love my brothers, sisters, mom, dad, and especially nieces, i love people (i cannot stop talking to people i don't know, a major indicator that i need some friends, i am becoming one of those shamelessly talkitive people who reveal too much information about themselves while in the grocery line)

today is a beautiful day, cool and crisp and very fall like. it makes me very very happy. i went to a coffee shop in evergreen that i had never been to this morning and i don't think i will ever go again. in addition to overpriced fare and beverages, there were leopard print curtains, fake tropical plants, and a giant klimt painting. now, you may think a hanging of my favorite artist might be a mark in favor of the place, but how dare they use this brilliant art as the inspiration for hideous decor. please! i drank my cup of joe quickly and ran to the library for a more peaceful atmosphere. the most amusing thing about my coffee experience was eavesdropping on three motorcycle dudes that were chatting and sipping there coffee. in their leathers. talking about fiberglass while perched upon an animal print couch. it just seems so absurd. i left at the same time they did and as i walked out i could see that their helmets matched their jackets and their jackets matched their bikes, like primary color power rangers on bikes. so, i don't know, maybe they dig matchy matchy decor.

yesterday first plymouth church went on a field trip to another parish that it supports in the inner city. it was lots of fun to chat with people i didn't know and see what is up etc. but in the end it just really made me want to move to the inner city, where i don't have to commute and can walk everywhere. like really really want to move into a shabby, sweet little house where i can make bread for my neighbors and have a garden without worrying about deer eating the delectables.

the woman who preached also wrote a song that we sang and my favorite line was this"
'When will we live for others, denied the love God is? When will we forfeit comfort, to bear the Cross that's his?' it seemed a little ironic for us to leave the poor inner city church and drive back to the suburbs, but such is life. i hope other people thought it was ironic too.

i was watching to kill a mockingbird last night and i forgot how much i loved that movie (and gregory peck) i was watching the scene where atticus has finished his excellent defence of Tom, yet Tom was still found guilty in the flawed justice system of the south. the court room is empty except for the mezzanine where the friends and family of Tom sat. and they all stood as atticus passed, the reverend telling scout to stand because her father is passing. i just was struck by how beautiful that was and how all i really want for myself is to fight for the just cause and to be respected for it.