it snowed again. i shoveled the driveway, well most of it until i got bored and went inside by the fire. thus the existence of the ice on the top of the driveway that i didn't get to. oops. note to self, shovel it all.

megan and i watched cold mountain (appropriate)last night, so so sad. i didn't cry but sighed a lot. we talked about who would have been a better Ada then Nicole (because she is blonde while Ada was distinctly brunette, and Nicole always poised and graceful while Ada is supposed to be inept and awkward, always) we thought that it should have been Natalie Portman or Maggie Gyllenhal, both actresses who can portray accurately the change in the character. whatever nicole, good try. (p.s. thanks shawna for the soundtrack, oh so lovely)



one of the children at work needed a halloween costume and i quickly volunteered to do so, given that i love to sew and have no social life to speak of. The little person wanted to be a cat ballerina and this is what i came up with, you cannot see the tail, which has a pink bow on it, so so cute, i almost kept it.

megan and i went to a 'degrees for the public good' fair and i collected lots of info about lots fo different degree options and am still feeling like an international development or international health degree is the direction i want to go. it is time like these when i ask the question, why am i in the states right now? i need to leave as soon as possible. one of my biggest fears is getting to comfortable and settling down when my exploring is not done yet, waking up one day and realizing i am not where i want to be at all! not that i know where i want to be but i am slowly discovering where i don't want to be, which, is a bit of a step forward i guess.

i am feeling incredibly socially challenged lately. first, work is overwhelming but i don't want it to take over my life. but at the end of the day i am so tired and again, overwhelmed, that i just go home. sigh. i will work on this, this is my project.

you learn so much about yourself when you do something new. especially working with kids. why does it seem so hard to not obsess over my discomfort and put others first? i have never felt so transparent before, so very very aware of all my failings and weaknesses. but i guess the thing is, is that they, the kids or staff, are not asking me to be perfect. they are asking that i be present and compassionate. but most of the time i feel angry. i really really really hate being laughed at and there has been many times already when a child is laughing at my inability to control them. which again, it is not my job to control but to try and guide and teach. i am just so thankful that i am able to leave work each day and drive into the mountains.

the most i ever learned about God was when i wasn't with christians....

megan and i were watching LOTR: return of the king and our conversation floated to fantasy archetypes and how harry potter reflects the LOTR themes a bit, but then pretty much every fantasy film has these consistent good vs. evil, the hero within us all themes. then, before my eyes, i was able to see grey's anatomy in LOTR. Meredith is frodo, mc dreamy is sam, who is faithfully, loyally (for the most part) trying to help Froedith get to her end goal. Christina is gollum (stay with me) who has slain a beloved one in the pursuit of her goal(the ring/ a career/ inner turmoil what not) Froedith sees herself in Chrisollum and hopes that they both can survive their burden. Izzy and George are Merry and Pippin, respectively (i won't describe all the parallels but they are totally there, i especially like equatting izzy's denny incident with merry and the globe thing that he tries to look in and is burned by, i forget its name) there was some debate of whether Bailey was arragon or gandalf but i think arrogan because Baily is a warrior. and thus LOTR becomes LOTER (lord of the ER. don't scoff you know you love it)

as many of you know i loathe voicemail. i think i have some misplaced negative associations with voicemail. to me it represents one responsibility i can avoid with little consequence, symbollic of my dislike of all responsibilities that must be constantly attended to. I don't know, i always imagine that each voicemail is not a friend but a little evil voice telling me what i have to do, what have i failed to do, what i am not good at. i have recently discovered that my brian is also like my voicemail, full of little voices i don't want to talk to but soon gets so full that there is no room for anything else until it gets emptied out. and that takes so much effort.

i really like watching british films or american films and being able to identify which Jane Austen film adaptation the obscure british actors have been in. for example, in the importance of being earnest, the actress that play gwendolyn is fanny in mansfield park. And an actress from Scoop also played the role of a sister in both Mansfield park and Persuasion. And the dude who is the bad guy in Tomb Raider two is the main love interest in Persuasion. Movies like Emma and Sense and Sensibility are, of course, easy and don't really count, because hugh grant, colin firth, kate winslet, and emma thompson are really easy to place. duh.

megan and i are having an adventure today, we are getting coffee, and checking email and then we are going to hit the road. it is sunny and drippy outside as all the snow is melting. i love snow and winter and fall.

Megan has mentioned in her blog that we are thinking of moving into town. this largely has to do with the fact that if we stay in the mountains megan will have to buy a new car, which would be very unfortunate. so we are hunting for affordable places and i am really hoping that there will be some great public transportation options and a grocery in walking distance.

i feel like there was more i was going to say but i cannot think of it now. hmmmm. that is all then.

we have had our first snow. and i didn't crash and die. i take that as a sign.

today i am tired and weary and have been trying not to cry all day. sometimes i feel so full that a kind word or glance will just release the floodgates of tears, which is embarrassing when i don't really know anyone but just start sobbing in public. ahem. excuse me. so i left quickly and am now enjoying anonymity at the local coffee shop. sometimes i feel like i am desperately looking around me for understanding, a friend, or a hug. the people that know me best are so far away. but how lucky am i to say that i have people that know me.

megan woke me up today to see the snow and i decided to drive into town early to get online and take care of emails and such and on the drive into town i realized that the membership class started today. oops. but thankfully due to my earliness, i arrived right on time! its a miracle. it was great to meet some new folks and hear about the church and the more i hear the more i like it. i like the phrase' united in essentials but diverse in non-essentials' when talking about statements of faith. and that it is a non-creedo church, acknowledging that God cannot be contained by our conception of faith and is greater than any creed we may come up with or create. God's truth is still ultimate and absolute but cannot be contained. nothing gets me as excited as envisioning an adventurous God that i cannot even comprehend. that there is hope and peace available beyond the limits of my mind. i also love a vision of heaven that is a continuous journey, not unlike lewis' the great divorce.

another phrase i liked:
we are decidely christian and unconditionally welcoming


my heart is so heavy today on the behalf of others- my friends that i love and the hard choices before them, the children i work with that cannot believe in anything good in the world or themselves, the uncertainty i feel in my own life (which is so little compared to these other things)

i have to figure out how to fill myself with peace and quietness in these new places. i think i might build an altar today. a little bit of ritual could be good for me right now. and paint and glue sticks.

ways to impress your supervisor: do an excellent job driving a 15 passenger van full of kids, only at the end i stopped at a green light. she looked at me and all i could think was, why is she looking at me like i am crazy, what am i missing here. and then i got it. i am an idiot. but i did get to go to the circus.

i really hope at some point in my life i will get to go to cirque de sole. no animal mistreatment and lots of acrobats and more tasteful costumes than barnum and baily.

i went home to nc and it was great for a mini get away and BABY TIME. here are some pics. i think the majority of the time i held Amelia she was making expressions of boredom, disdain, and/ or horror. (she is a smart one, she can do all three at once)

my job is really hard but i keep reminding myself it is the hard things that are worthwhile. i hope so anyway. i also got a random email about grad school applications from one of the grad schools i inquired too for more info...hmmm grad school, am i ready for you? i have loved learning about cells and basic math again while in the classroom this past week. i am not going to lie, my over achive/ competitive nature totally kicks in and its all i can do to not ask for a handout from the teacher so i can finish the assignments too.

other notes, i ran by the grocery store this morning to pick up secret treats for secret someones to go into secret packages and there was something weird going on, like safeway corporate was in the house because everyone was on their grocery store A game. i had like five people say hi to me as i was just walking by, i was in my own world searching for the right aisle and everyone just kept saying hello, which is great, but odd. i suppose they could have been talking to someone else, but i don't think so. it took me so off guard each time that i could only offer the belated afterthought response greeting, a sheepish hi under my breath because i am uncertain why they are talking to me. i did wash my hair this morning, maybe i was exceptionally attractive this morning and people couldn't keep themselves from trying to draw the sunlight of my attention to themselves.

coffee house redemption

thank goodness! i have found the perfect coffee shop. i will list out the things i love as i spot them:

it is ten minutes from my house
has free wi-fi
closest prices to alamosa coffee
friendly people
connected to a used bookstore
comfy with old couches and non-pretentious
i look around and the people hanging out here i could be friends with
good mugs, simple but sturdy
hidden away
i can see the mountains
it looks like they bake all their own bake goods, never trust people that don't make their own brownies

i bought two gardening books for a dollar at the store next door, both with tips for indoor plants (so the deer don't eat your food) and lots of herbs and such
i am super excited. i am taking notes for my (our) future farm.

i am very happy today, for no specific reason except i am excellent at knitting (i cannot reveal my craftiness because my latest discovery will be gifts for oh so many of you), i love libraries, i love the mountains and cool mornings, i love my cat, i love megan, i love sleeping, i love my brothers, sisters, mom, dad, and especially nieces, i love people (i cannot stop talking to people i don't know, a major indicator that i need some friends, i am becoming one of those shamelessly talkitive people who reveal too much information about themselves while in the grocery line)

today is a beautiful day, cool and crisp and very fall like. it makes me very very happy. i went to a coffee shop in evergreen that i had never been to this morning and i don't think i will ever go again. in addition to overpriced fare and beverages, there were leopard print curtains, fake tropical plants, and a giant klimt painting. now, you may think a hanging of my favorite artist might be a mark in favor of the place, but how dare they use this brilliant art as the inspiration for hideous decor. please! i drank my cup of joe quickly and ran to the library for a more peaceful atmosphere. the most amusing thing about my coffee experience was eavesdropping on three motorcycle dudes that were chatting and sipping there coffee. in their leathers. talking about fiberglass while perched upon an animal print couch. it just seems so absurd. i left at the same time they did and as i walked out i could see that their helmets matched their jackets and their jackets matched their bikes, like primary color power rangers on bikes. so, i don't know, maybe they dig matchy matchy decor.

yesterday first plymouth church went on a field trip to another parish that it supports in the inner city. it was lots of fun to chat with people i didn't know and see what is up etc. but in the end it just really made me want to move to the inner city, where i don't have to commute and can walk everywhere. like really really want to move into a shabby, sweet little house where i can make bread for my neighbors and have a garden without worrying about deer eating the delectables.

the woman who preached also wrote a song that we sang and my favorite line was this"
'When will we live for others, denied the love God is? When will we forfeit comfort, to bear the Cross that's his?' it seemed a little ironic for us to leave the poor inner city church and drive back to the suburbs, but such is life. i hope other people thought it was ironic too.

i was watching to kill a mockingbird last night and i forgot how much i loved that movie (and gregory peck) i was watching the scene where atticus has finished his excellent defence of Tom, yet Tom was still found guilty in the flawed justice system of the south. the court room is empty except for the mezzanine where the friends and family of Tom sat. and they all stood as atticus passed, the reverend telling scout to stand because her father is passing. i just was struck by how beautiful that was and how all i really want for myself is to fight for the just cause and to be respected for it.

in an attempt to become more socially active i have just been looking up various social groups in the denver area. here are some snippets of our options:

1.The Denver Savvy Singles Book Club Meetup Group
A place for singles to get inspired and informed about creating an extraordinary relationship by reviewing new dating and relationship books each month.
christa comments: really? how come i think all these relationship books are written by christian authors. can you think of a more ridiculous group? pretend to read books while trying to size up the people around you to see if they meet the criteria in said book. please.

2. Single Professionals: Mixing Business With Pleasure
Kill two birds with one stone, so to speak! We provide opportunities for networking on both the social and business levels, all in one fun event. We offer a variety of formats to provide something comfortable and fun for everyone. And it's for "business"...what a great way to meet other singles and still get that business tax write-off!
christa comments: barf

3.The Denver GIS User Group
Meet other locals who are interested in a discussion of Geographic Information Systems (GIS).
christa comments: i know it takes all types, but...really?



thats all i have energy for. i am going home to my couch.

okay megan just told me she does make fun of my sci fi/ fantasy obssession but she does it kindly. i guess i can handle that.

okay okay so i started my job this week and i have not been to check my email or blog since...because i am exhausted! and i hate driving. like really, commuting stinks. hopefully in the near future i will have the funds to move near to where i work, because it is a very very cute (and expensive) part of town. but i do love driving into the mountains every night...the moon has been so bright that you don't even need headlights, it is amazing.

i have had several moments so far in my job where i have been terrified and where i have said to myself this is exactly what i want to do. i am working with children who have been neglected and abused and are wards of the state, working in the residential area with the kids that live in this school. i won't be able to tell any stories ever but these children have survived and awful lot and if i were them i would be really pissed off at the world too.

another bear broke into another garage in our neighborhood. totally lame, we still have not seen one. maybe i will leave the downstairs windows open with a little live kitty bait inside.....

megan and i actually went out last night when i got off work. yeah, like pretending we have lives and actually go places off the mountain. we tried out two different bars, both in this totally cute part of town near where i work. and we were still home before midnight. the kicker is that my parents were out later than us last night. that is pathetic. though, i would like to point out, that with the time difference, we were technically out later. so there.

i don't think megan and i realized how different we really are. we were discussing last night that where we have similarities are in the big, abstract ideals and hopes for ourselves. but when it comes down to movies, books, clothes, and music, there is very little overlap. except in our taste in men, which could be unfortunate. yesterday we were chillin' in the house reading and megan mentioned that she would like to watch the lord of the rings movies and i was like, yes please, i was just thinking that this morning. but i was thinking that because i was reading stardust and dwelling on how much i love the fantasy genre and she was reminded of the films because of a reference to cs lewis in her book organic church. i rest my case. but i love her lots :) and she doesn't make fun of my fantasy/ sci-fi obsession.


i am trying to write a lot because i don't know when i will come back and write more. but this is based on the assumption that someone other than megan reads my blog. she checks my blog every day and we live together. and she knows i haven't written. :)

next weekend i am going home to meet my niece and to see my older brother again in addition to all my family and i am super excited. it is kind of weird for me to have such a grown up brother, i mean he is a father. i am not going to lie, i got really excited when he called me unprompted. like, my older brother wants to be friends with me. which is fantastic, since the last time we really talked was when we were arguing in high school and then he went to school and i went to school and he got married and i grew up and now i feel like i need to meet him all over again. and i think i am really going to like him a lot.

my cat is sleeping with me and i am not allergic. this almost justifies me not eating wheat or sugar. i made it through three days of training with out eating the candy bars in the giant basket sitting on the table. nor the little pumpkin candies that are akin to candy corn and are my favorite seasonal treat. and i made bread time successfully, a rare thing for me in colorado. yum. (it was spelt bread-no wheat) my cat likes to try and catch my eyelashes when i blink. how do i train her out of this potentially devastating habit?

meet Vashti Gita

here is the new kitty!

notes on a sermon:

well, actually there was no sermon today, we sang for the entire service. and, as you know from my last blog, i love to sing so i thought it was fantastic. i really admire the breaking of the conventional sing-sermon-sing structure to mix it up and spend just a whole lot of time in worship.

i really like that we sing the doxology at every service. it is beautiful. and i also love that we sing so many hymns, some i know and some i do not.

i remember thinking during the women's bible study i was apart of a few years ago, how beautiful it is to hear lots of women's voices singing in unison. i always get goose bumps.

i also really like that they call all the children up to the front of the church each morning and after a short story they have a blessing for the children. The minister asks the children to cup their hands in front of them, in order to receive the blessing. these past two weeks the blessing has always been the same, so i don't know if it is the standard children's blessing, but it is a variation of the Irish blessing that i sang with rachel and joelle last year : may the road rise to meet you , may the wind be always at your back, may a star always guide you, and may the Lord always hold you in the palm of his hand. I love the words and the idea of cupping your hands to receive the blessing in a real, tangible, physical way. Its like something megan told me when i was in alamosa, that it is important to claim your blessings from the Lord and asked me what blessing i wanted for myself, which was peace of mind and spirit. She told me this right before i got really sick and had to sit in my house by myself for a whole week - which in itself nearly killed me. There is still so much to think about from my year at alamosa and while i was there most of my energy was about getting through, surviving, holding myself together. But here i was for a week, i completely lost my voice, so i couldn't talk and had to sit and be quiet and finally listen to the voices in my head. and by the end of the week, despite my continued illness, i felt the blessing of peace and rest like i had not experienced in a very long time.

i think there is also something very beautiful and powerful about speaking words together as a congregation, whether its the Lord's prayer or another liturgical passage. Every time I say the Lord's prayer something strikes me, today the prayer of the Lord's will being done on earth as well as in heaven. We think so much about heaven but what does it mean to do the Lord's will on earth? which brings me to one of the songs we sang, which said 'What does the Lord require of you? Justice, Kindness, and to walk humble with your God' That is a God I can believe in, one that requires us to pursue and uphold justice, love, and humility in his service.


also there are a lot of crazy environmentalists at this church, who really do believe that taking care of the earth is directly related to the gospel, ideas of stewardship, and God's purposes on earth.

um, nothing new. megan and i have been watching lots of movies in between our trips to town and Internet. we make yummy food. today i made zucchini muffins (with no eggs!) i think cooking at the shelter has changed my cooking style forever. i was in the midst of muffin magic when i realized, gasp, the eggs were bad - i think only keirsa understands the horror of cracking open rotten eggs. ugh. so i decided to try the flax seed egg substitute method i only heard about recently. and i threw in some cottage cheese too, for the heck of it. and viola, muffins. not quite as sturdy as the standard muffin, but it held together and tasted great. excellent. mission accomplished.

i don't think i am getting the job i interviewed for. unfortunately. and somewhat to my relief. is this self-destructive behavior? no, i think it is more the plague of my generation, or at least me, growing up with too much choice and little immediate necessity to work. but the immediate necessity of bills and food money and gas money is creeping up like a little monster you thought had been banished to the closet. i just want to do something i like and be happy. i think the only solution is that i cannot do what i like and make money. and i am okay with that.

i really love singing to the radio. poor megan has to put up with my successful and non-successful attempts at harmony. there is something great about being completely uninhibited when singing. i distinctly remember hearing my mom sing with the radio and being amazed that you couldn't distinguish between her voice and the one coming through the stereo. i thought it was like magic.

one of the first churches we went to here, you couldn't here the person next to you singing, not because the six leaders were too loud, but because no one wanted to be heard. and that is a shame. if there is anyplace you should be able to sing without embarrassment it is at church.

i have been sitting a lot lately without doing anything. (i mean when i am not actively seeking employment) i like getting up early in the morning, but usually i make tea and read or journal. but lately i sit, staring, thinking, not thinking. and i think it is good, because i am generally not good at doing nothing.

oh and the joys of nature, i don't need an alarm clock because at about 8.30 every morning a woodpecker gently begins his daily work right out side my window. he is quite literally pecking directly by my head on the other side of the wall. magic. thankyou mister woodpecker.

i posted the counter on my blog to indulge myself and see how many people read or visit my blog. so far out of the five listed, four of them have been me checking to see if the number has gone up. sigh.

i beginning to wonder if i am a commitment-phobe. I had an interview yesterday (yes!) but my blood turned to ice water when the words "this is a career building position, i am looking for someone to replace me in three to four years" came out of the admissions director's mouth. eeek! i struggle with just being in one place for one year alone! i am not going to lie, i had nightmares last night about the position. sigh. so we will see. maybe she just didn't like me and then i don't have to make another hard decision.

Last night megan and i watched our neighbors little boy, an extremely capable five year old who can drive his mini-gator (he would sigh with exasperation, miss christa it is not a truck, its a gator) better than i ever could. Now, i don't consider myself a weak person or lacking firm decision skills but it quickly became very clear in this babysitting scenario i was the push over. i asked him several times not to put lucy, his dog, in the back of his gator and he was stilled unconvinced but megan had to say it only once and he immediately complied. this happened over and over again throughout the evening. apparently children have a sixth sense when it comes to identifying...well, whatever it was i seemed to subconsciously express. thankfully megan was there other wise i don't think he would have ever gone to bed. sigh. i have been told before though that i have trouble being firm-that i can try to say something strict but it inevitably comes across nice. this is why i have made a commitment to saying no this year - to practice building boundaries with people i don't know. I seem to have no problem saying no or expressing my boundaries clearly with people that are closest to me, its rude cashiers and rowdy children that i become meek around and lose the ability to stand up for myself. psychoanalyze that.

thankfully God said to me the other day, Christa, I think you should __________ and ___________. That way __________ and _____________will happen.
Thanks God,I said, I will get right on that and _____________.

(shamelessly stolen from dan)

here i am again, in the coffee shop...doing my thing...though i don't really know what that is....

i have come to the conclusion that finding a job truly requires divine intervention-like for real people. i have sent out over a dozen resumes and no satisfactory results (hmmm perhaps i am regretting my arrogance in my one job offer that i turned down--nope i still think i did that right) so for all of those out there that read my humble ramblings, please pray that i find a job! ( er...that God finds a job for me...)

megan and i found a great church - you can refer to her blog for a more detailed list of the positive aspects, but i really liked it a lot. i once told megan that every time i go to church i usually feel like crying and how i really don't like it, but megan replied, wisely, that she figures if a church doesn't make you want to cry than there probably isn't a lot of truth being told there. true 'nough. anyway, this church passed the knot-in-my-throat test. we are going back tonight for young adults gathering where we will probably be the youngest. i feel sheepish about being young, still loving fantasy books and films, and my enjoyment of all things whimsical. but then i figure i will always love those things no matter how old i get and there is no need for me to feel sheepish about who and what i am right now in this moment. because thats all i can be.

Top Five Things I hate about looking for jobs:

1.Waiting
2.Rejection
3.No Income
4.Waiting
5.Not hearing from anyone

I mean I am putting myself out there! I am like a contestant on a dating show who gets disqualified before I get to even say my name. and I have a good name too, not FiFi or Gertrude, but solid and capable Christa. Come on People! Give me a break!

I used to not practice my cello enough before state orchestra things and such so I could always have to excuse, well I could have done better if I had practiced, or I just didn't have the time to practice enough. But I have no excuse now because I have been very thorough, written great cover letters, been on top of my game. but still nothing. and it stinks.

I am just in a bad mood, hopefully by Friday i will have gotten at least one interview!

Introducing Baby Extrodinaire:
Amelia Dulcinea Oakes

brought to you by Proud Aunties INC.

Which Office Character Are You?
	You are Pam. You are sweet and likable, but your shyness makes it hard for you to express yourself sometimes. Regardless, you are always there for your friends and will usually come out of your shell to help anyone.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

there ya go, receptionist jobs here i come

Nothing new has really happened to warrant blogging except that i like to hear myself talk, again proving that the sole purpose of blogs, or at least my blog, is unadulterated self-worship. well, not really, but maybe trying to create the pretense of having something worth while to contribute or say.

speaking of jobs, its amazing to me how much i want a job that sounds cool simply so that i will sound cool. Seriously, i am ambitious (or vain) and want to look good in the eyes of others. and i want to do it with paid vacations and a work day that begins at ten in the morning. that's not too much to ask is it? Then why is it that i am always drawn to non-profit or volunteer jobs.

Megan won't lend me her book until i finish the one i am reading, or have been trying to read since December. its not a bad book, i really like it, hence my continued effort to finish it, its just i have a mental block when it comes to non-fiction. If it is in narrative form i can plow through it without a problem, but when it comes to things of substance, well....i am so easily distracted then by the stories in my head.

I also hate the feeling i get sometimes of tangled, indefinable emotion, where the only words i can find to label what i am feeling are angry, weary, frustrated. and i guess the frustrating part is not that these emotions are present but rather that i don't know what is causing them or how to express them properly. and so i stew and hit things about until everything comes into order, which i guess it must inevitably do, but i never know how long it will take. My brain is such a bother.

And I will soon be an aunt and all i could think about in church today was how excited i am to gain this new title. I cannot wait. Words cannot describe how much i like babies, especially ones that i am related to.

and we have not seen any bears yet.

My new green room....





pictures from the boston segment of road trip gloriousness...

i am bewitched by the city. tall buildings. lots of people. full of potential.

Megan and I have laid claim to a corner of a coffee shop, fortifying our defenses against encroachment, this is our place, our table, our bookshelves. we plan to stay many more hours. the reason for this illegal squatting in a public space? the inevitable job quest. I have 3 more minutes of play time before i must return to the search. I am scared.

We have nested in the house, setting up our individual spaces, unpacking our belongings. well, megan is done unpacking, I have decided to take over two rooms to fit all my stuff. Last night we painted and my room is beautiful. i will not describe it, i will simply let the pictures take your breathe away. when i take some. i like how quiet it is. silence can be so loud.

i have been commanded to blog.

i am on a road trip of mammoth perportions. with Megan and Jennifer. and we are in Boston.

Highlights:

Bridges
34 police cars sighted
Getting lost driving in D.C.
Riding the Metro with Rachel
A bee in the car causing utter choas
Reading aloud the epic novel, The Blue Sword
Discovering that our given directions forgot to identify one way streets
The car bottoming out in Jonathan's parking lot
Seeing Tons of Dolphins at the beach
Seeing Becca in Virginia
Pedicures

and lots of laughter

well, my softball team, the food bank mafia, are offical the rec co-ed league champions, woot woot. here is our team photo, which looks bizarre and i think was extensively photo shopped, a skill which guy claims, though, frankly, all his photo shopped finished products look strange...judge for yourself.

i have been going and going and going and telling myself that it is humanly possible to keep up the hours i've been working, don't think about it christa, just keep going. and now i am done and my brain is thinking about things other than fence slates, screws, and drills that don't work. and i can neither confirm nor deny that i am freaking out. a little. mindless packing will do that do you too.

these last few weeks have been like the ending of a bad teen movie, i mean, really? truth is stranger than fiction in these last days in alamosa. Lulu had their final concert, which went really well. The four of us in the group have decided to stage a huge fight as explanation for why the group must part ways. artistic differences is a cooler reason than new jobs. then we had geek prom. amazing. tonight is the final game in softball, for the championship. and last night our accountant through us a medieval going away banquet. she wouldn't give us forks. really.

all that to say there are no words to describe my relief and sorrow that this experience is over and am glad that i will still be in Colorado so that i don't really have to say goodbye to anyone. there will be many tears, regardless.

i have not written in a while, partly due to my crazy schedule (i will have at least 24 hours of comp time from working that shall never be redeemed) and partly to my high level of anxiety about this next life transition that i cannot seem to shake. well, i am better, i can actually breathe now. i was talking to a co-volunteer about this anxiety and we came to the conclusion that seeing so many people at the shelter who cannot seem to make things work, who have no support network, who have seen failure after failure until there is no hope left can skew your perspective a bit. and than i remembered that i am not alone and for that i am very very thankful.

we have our big final concert in a few days and i am freaked out. i think that also has something to do with a viewing of a documentary that a local yokel made...it's called 'everyone but you: a documentary about being an independent artist/ musician/ failure' i don't know why but it just made me feel down.

oh well. i am especially bummed because we collectively just wrote a new song that is my FAVORITE we have done so far and it won't be ready for its debut aka it won't be debuted ever because rachel's going to india and i cannot play the piano. but we do have four originals to play, so thats exciting---my main role is as lyricist in the creative process. anyway-one of the songs i wrote by myself and am continually fighting my sheepish feelings at its, well, i don't know what. but i do know i really do like, no matter what anyone else says, so there!

i feel like a marathoner dragging myself toward the finish line that is still some distance away. at this rate they are not going to make me miss alamosa at all! except for the people i love here...
good news about today: only two hours in the office and the rest of the day with harry.

i am really excited about networking

a woman in my work group lives in boulder and....has friends...who run a CSA (community supported agriculture) farm! and i had been looking for one in my area and hadn't found one....and there it is--my local (ish) csa. so fresh vegetables, raw milk, and eggs are in my near, forseeable future...that means my own cheese and yogurt can be made. and i can go volunteer and learn on a farm!! so i can have my own!!

http://www.conservapedia.com/Main_Page

i mean, really?

Success
To laugh ofetn and much;
to win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children;
to earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends;
to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others;
to leave the world a better place,
whether by a healthy child
a garden patch
or a redeemed social condition;
to know even one life has breathed easier
because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.

-attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson
more likely by Bessie Stanley, 1904

this week i had a dream where i was at the ocean and could not escape the huge waves that were coming toward me. this was the first dream i have had of waves since college, where almost every week i would dream of terrifying waves or my teeth falling out. i think it means i am overwhelmed. today i slept in until 9, ate breakfast, and then took a nap, rolling into the office at 1 in the afternoon. lovely.

i have groups consecutively until i leave but allison is going to help me out.

and rachel is bequeathing to me her free massage tomorrow :) hooray!

and now i shall go back to bed.

we have a mouse in our house. yes, for real. and it didn't really bother me until i saw that the clever little monster managed to get into a drawer and chew up my favorite wooden spoon. oh, it is on now little mouse. you do not eat my cooking spoons, no sir. you better watch those pretty paws of yours because today i am putting out the traps.

last night i had an impromptu dinner party. like shawna said, its nice to eat fancy food but still be able to eat with your fingers. i will tell you what we had because i am shamefully proud of myself. stuffed artichoke, shrimp and grits, green beans, baked pears with carmel sauce. simple but so yummy.

keirsa and i just finished a 12 hour baking marathon. thats right 12 hours, for Allison's wedding tomorrow.

5 chocolate pear cakes
6 lemon lavender cakes
2 chocolate raspberry tarts
2 choclate cherry tarts
1 mixed berry tart
55 lavender cupcakes

12 hours.

here are the non-scary pics. to get to our base camp of lake como we had to hike about five miles up an atrocious jeep road, so lots of rocks and little shade. but the lake was gorgeous. the mountain you can see above lake como is little bear, blanca is just around the corner.

the ascent of mount doom...

well it wasn't really mount doom but there really were times i thought i was on the verge of blinking out of exisitence on this last hiking excursion. Emmy, Sam, Shawna, and I hiked up to mt. Blanca, the local fourteener (In mountaineering terminology in the United States, a fourteener is a mountain that exceeds 14,000 feet (4,267.2 m) above mean sea level. The importance of fourteeners is greatest in Colorado, which has the majority of such peaks in North America. Climbing all of Colorado's fourteeners is a popular pastime among peak baggers. wikipedia)Mt Blanca is the 4th highest mountain in Colorado at 14, 345 feet . And the third and scariest fourteener I have ever climbed. We are talking bouldering along a steep basin wall, don't look down and don't look up, but cling to the rock oh heavens am i there yet scary. i don't have a lot of pics from the top but have some from the first half of our hike so i posted some of the ones we used as our map... i love how easy the little blue line makes it look, la di da, just walk along here, boop boop boop, here we go... meanwhile i was trying not to throw up.

while i am doing links....

katherine sent this to me...and it is exactly how i feel



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdxkVQy7QLM

check out my mom at her cool conference!
http://www.lindau-nobel.de/content/section/2/17/
go to live feed, click on opening ceremonies and you get a scan of mom at about a minute and 48 seconds. woot woot! (she is in polka dots)

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All my pictures are out of order. in this interactive blog it is up to you to place them in the correct sequence. (each ___ indicates a corresponding picture)

Last saturday Emmy and I decided to hike the infamous South Zapata Lake Trail. We left the house at 6:00 am in order to be able to hike in the cool morning air and be below the tree line by noon-ish. ___ This was the view from the bottom of the mountain, while our legs were fresh and the sun was not quite above the mountains. We had to cross south zapata creek several times. At our first crossing I suggested we try to cross barefoot for there were not enough rocks to hop across on. That was a miserable idea, for once I got both feet in the water I could no longer feel them. Then we saw the logs that everyone else was smart enough to cross on ____. The trail was really hard in some spots, with really steep inclines and lots of skree, there was more than one spot where i stopped to take in the scenary and to rearrange my lungs so the insides were inside again and the outsides outside again ____. Before we knew it we were halfway there and we could see the valley through the trees ____ and decided to stop for a snack. unfortuately an accident of gravity caused some of the gorp to spill on the trail and to remain in keeping with Leave No Trace techniques, we were beholden to eat it. off the ground. i actually really don't mind eating off the ground but in this particular case bark seemed to always make it into my mouth, no matter how hard i examined each handful____. After our break we crossed the creek again ___ and then the trail opened up into a beautiful valley ____ where I did break out singing 'The Hills are alive with the sound of music' It was stunning. By this point we had been hiking 3.5 hours and, not going to lie, were exhausted! The first body of water I saw, I was sure it was the lake and ran toward it, doing a celebration dance when emmy pointed out that it was rather small ____. oops. So we continued on, drawing closer and closer to the mountain, hoping over each knoll there was a lake ___. And finally! we saw it South Zapata Lake____. Emmy striking her victory pose ___.


Next week Blanca!



(correct order: 9,10,6,12,7,11,8,2,1,3,4)

last night we won our softball game, 11-4. and we were down two players, playing 8 to 10. and i made another out at home. and i walloped the ball when at bat and it went past second base. unfortunately it was in a lovely arc that inevitably ends in an out. oh well.

other amazing christa moments (you know you all want to see me play):
-dashing to second and slipping on the sandy base, falling on my butt but maintaining enough clarity to reach back and snag the mound with my hand.
-a batter's foul ball ricocheting off my knee cap. ouch.
-same batter, different foul just slipping out of my glove as i dove for it.
-flirting with the umpire, per usual.

i am exhausted. right now i almost feel like i am having an out of body experience as i try and gear up to go lead my group for the day.

wish me luck.

i made a vow this week to be more positive in my verbal expression of my opinions of the people i encounter in my life.

today this vow was sorely tried.

a gentleman in my workgroup actually called me 'honey' in that dripping, condescending tone of voice that automatically triggers every ninja-like quality within me. the man was lucky i was weedwacking and could thus take out my anger on the innocent weeds. he thought i was 'sweet and all' but didn't want to 'offend my sensibilities' with his plan to keep the yard we were working on weed free. he didn't want to tell me, i assume, because it was clear that i did not agree with his declaration that the poor people who lived there were 'lazy.' i am sorry, there are more important things than yards, like PEOPLE, and i would like to see him live the life of a single mom with three kids working two jobs and come home at night and pull weeds it instead of putting your kids to bed. I bit my lip instead of yelling WHY ARE YOU HERE? HAVEN'T YOU HEARD OF MERCY OR COMPASSION? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? but instead i smiled and pulled sniveling weeds from the ground.


and this was only one incident.


so things i am thankful for:

i only had to work a day and a half with this man
i had a dance party in the work shop with three middle school girls
i saw Georgia who loves me and can get me to do anything for her because she loves my cobbler
happy hour at the brew pub

summertime does well by me.

i spelled my own name wrong - can you find it?

i am at the local boys and girls club, layin' down some tracks, as it were. yo. so far we have recorded 'uncommonly familiar' our one successful original (we have many originals, but we don't talk about all of them) and now Rachel is working on 'godspeed' our flutist has a migraine and cannot be here tonight but hopefully she will come record soon. our contact in the boys and girls club will only be here for june, so we are trying to get as much done as possible to capture the short life of LuLu. i actually really do not like recording because, well, i can hear all my mistakes. and there are a lot. hopefully technological magic can smooth out all the rough edges.

working with volunteers makes me very self-reflective (because of vanity? chirstacentric thinking?) but i always think of what my mom once said, that you children are a reflection of yourself. so my work group and their attitudes, enjoyment of the week, etc. is a reflection of my attitude and ability to lead, etc. so basically i am constantly freaking out. but i am getting better at it. and on one of the evaluations filled out by work group member one person put ' christa is great. could use a clone of her' so i've got that going for me.

i am at the local boys and girls club, layin' down some tracks, as it were. yo. so far we have recorded 'uncommonly familiar' our one successful original (we have many originals, but we don't talk about all of them) and now Rachel is working on 'godspeed' our flutist has a migraine and cannot be here tonight but hopefully she will come record soon. our contact in the boys and girls club will only be here for june, so we are trying to get as much done as possible to capture the short life of LuLu. i actually really do not like recording because, well, i can hear all my mistakes. and there are a lot. hopefully technological magic can smooth out all the rough edges.

working with volunteers makes me very self-reflective (because of vanity? chirstacentric thinking?) but i always think of what my mom once said, that you children are a reflection of yourself. so my work group and their attitudes, enjoyment of the week, etc. is a reflection of my attitude and ability to lead, etc. so basically i am constantly freaking out. but i am getting better at it. and on one of the evaluations filled out by work group member one person put ' christa is great. could use a clone of here' so i've got that going for me.

Today is one of those days for me where i just want to stretch out in the sun until I am empty and can think straight again. Or just sit in silence with no need to think about when i need to move or talk again, rather i can just sit with only infinate time as my companion. and maybe a book.

I had a thought today about my work group. one of the things i try to talk about in regards to the homeless is how everyone has a story and everyone has a past and that it is so important not to judge on what you see but to spend time getting to know a person, see what is really going on. and it struck me that some members of this work group seemed to be battling their own demons as well. I mean, so many people come wanting to 'help' (i just heard someone say that 'help' and 'nice' are the worst of the four letter words. amen) and this mentality makes us unable to see our own brokenness or our own need for community or whatever. but some people in this group seemed so sad and i hate that i couldn't, you know, intrude in their lives and minds and ask them what was going on or what is wrong. (also, interesting personal insight, if something is wrong i assume i am the cause or reason for it, which more often than not is not the case. i wasted a lot of time trying to figure out what i was doing wrong, but it wasn't about me. maybe its simply a symptom of vanity and selfishness. but i don't know how to deprogram my brain. besides the afore mentioned sitting in the sun until all bad juju seeps away) only five more hours of work in this ten hour day of mine. i need a hammock, a tree house, a stream, a cone of cream and dream, or a nap to piece back together my brain.

today i discovered one of my favorite author's websites.

and i love her even more. we could be bosom friends.

www.robinmckinley.com

i would recommend reading her FAQs section (link found at the bottom of the website)

and i need to buy her new book, Sunshine. and she has another coming out this fall.

YES!!!!!!!!!!!

8 yr olds

i have had two encounters with 8 yr old boys this week:
1. snotty kid heckling me at the softball game as i was at bat = brat.
2. sweet kid in my work group who, i think, has a crush on me. he always sits by me, leans his head on my shoulder, and follows me around talking about all his cuts and scraps and how much he loves his dog. this amazing boy redeems the previous not-so-nice boy in my esteem of 8 yr olds.