now and then...

i always get nostalgic when on stage in my life (aka americorp year) ends and another begins. i am that person who looks through photo albums on a daily basis. anyway, i was just thinking about how little has really happend in my life in the past year (in terms of BIG EVENTS) but how much i have changed. i am incredibly different. a little more sure of myself, of who i want to be, a little more at peace (on some days), and just really different. thats all i can say really.

(and there is nothing like rock climbing in your pjs. )

a fun sunday walk...

and our youngest fan.

Listen to the Sun, by joelle and christa



Chorus:
we are gamboling a la luna
to listen to the sun
for to gossip about the wizard
by the side of the road
we wear borrowed crowns
from the old Dandy Lion
capturing amarillo from the air
to savor later
we are dreaming

we fancy ourselves pirates
sailing on stolen winds
tasting blue as we charge
carefree into rolling mirrors
reflecting the griffins, sprites,
and imps of our minds
this ship is our mistress,
this day is our own

we are leaved children
of sage giants
purple plum kisses
tatooed on our skin
This grove is our fortress
green banners flutter overhead
mariposas beckon us
this day is our own

we are mermaids in a glen
smooth pale pebbles worship our toes
gurgling azul tempts
our little lovers to steal away
refresing sips of cattails
the sweet taste of laughter
the brook echoes our sighs
this day is our own








i feel like anne of green gables who discovers that her writing is ridiculous (the tree and mermaid verses are my favorites)

so joelle and i wrote a new song today. we were drooling over the lyrics, using tantalizing verbs, thrilled with our own cleverness. and then we tried to set it to music. and realized we are complete dorks. sigh. it would only work as a fantasy rock song, accompanied by a music video with druids, fog machine, and dark cloaks. regardless, i still love the lyrics. it fits very nicely if sung to the lord of the rings theme. we decided we should turn it into an epic opera instead. i am still trying to decide if i should share them or not. i don't know if my heart can stand the laughter that the song begs. hmmm.


i love you mom!!!

I wish I was the moon by Neko Case

Chimney falls and lovers blaze
Thought that I was young
Now I've freezing hands
And bloodless veins
As numb as I've become
I'm so tired, I wish I was the moon tonight

Last night I dreamt I'd forgotten my name
'Cause I sold my soul
But I woke just the same
I'm so lonely, I wish I was the moon tonight

God blessed me I'm a free man
With no place free to go
Paralyzed and collared-tight
No pills for what I fear
This is crazy, I wish I was the moon tonight

Chimney falls as lovers blaze
I thought that I was young
Now I've freezing hands
And bloodless veins As numb as I've become
I'm so tired, I wish I was the moon tonight

How will you know if you've found me at last?
'Cause I'll be the one, be the one, be the one
With my heart in my lap
I'm so tired I'm so tired
And I wish I was the moon tonight

I'm so tired I'm so tired
And I wish I was the moon
I'm so tired I'm so tired
And I wish I was the moon tonight

and the distraught lady called again (is it mere coincidence that the cat and lady appear simultaneously?), but this time to apologize for the mean thing she said to me and we talked for 20 minutes about her history of abuse, illness, everything. how horrible to be so alone in your life that a 23 year old stranger is the only person you have to talk to. how horrible.

make that three times i have let the cat out (she is so cute, she is always in the same spot on the couch)

Today has been a strange day...

i haven't been sleeping well, so i come to work grumpy. very grumpy. thankfully as the day progressed my mood got better.

and then i received two phone calls while at work that make me feel powerless and like sobbing. Some people are so alone, so desperate that all my own loneliness is inconsequential. How do you fix these things that are so screwed up, how do you help people with no hope, who long for death. this woman left me speechless with sorrow.

highlight of my day: there is a sweet little cat, all white with a black moon shape next to her ear, that lives in the backyard of the shelter. She is pregnant and all the guests let her into the house on the sly. Today i found her twice on the couch, having to carry her out. the guest call me heartless for doing so, but in good humor. They take it as their job and duty to let her in and its mine to let her out. So we just play the game. But i love this cat now and love the excuse to pick her up. She is very gentle, never scratches, just lies in my arms, looking dreamily at me. I may look into adoption.

Joelle and i were ecstatic to find a song cycle of Tolkien poems set to music by a guy name Swann when we were looking more music to boost our LuLu repertoire. We were so excited by the prospect of classical music and the wonderful words of Tolkien combined but alas, when Joelle began to run through the songs they were worse than mediocre. Then we read the bio of Swann and he is some sort of stage lyricist, all that to say he degraded Tolkien to the caliber of predictable songs of the 30s. I mean, i love an oldie goldie from the 30s but for Tolkien!?! Is he crazy!?! sigh. i am disgusted and disgruntled.

musings

i have been thinking a lot lately about how one presents oneself to new people. for example, i am working with a lot of work groups from other churches i am have to be nice and polite and talk about how great la puente is and how we need their money. and it is good and i like it. but it is interesting when i have a group of all men. especially older men, who know how to do construction. i become a little girl that doesn't know much about what i am doing. however, if, say, carman, my housemate, is leading with me, he immediately commands the respect of the group. now, carman and i have very different leadership styles. Carman always speaks with authority, even when he has no idea what he is talking about. but he pretends to know whats going on, very convincingly. While i just do it differently, if i don't know, i say so, but i find out the answer. But does carman's reception of respect have to do with his leadership style or his sex. all that to say, i have led two groups of mostly older men and i usually get very frustrated by being 'the girl' and leading the few women that came in 'women's work' (cooking and sorting clothes). my point is, though i get frustrated, how much am i contributing to this perception of myself? are my assumptions about how i am going to be perceived create an inclination to fulfill the role that i think is expected of me? Is it easier for me to step into those roles rather than counteract them? and why is that when i counteract them, i get teased for being independent, difficult, and/or get silly nicknames like 'muscles' or i get people rolling their eyes at me for putting up a fuss? why can't a woman be both strong and feminine, or why does that seem so hard to achieve? why do i play the ditz sometimes, when that's not who i am at all (well maybe sometimes)? why do i get called baby at the shelter? Why if i cook a good dinner or am seen sweeping, i get comments about me being a good wife?

i just babbling really, but i don't like being put in any box, i don't like people making assumptions based on me being a girl, and i don't like being leered at. at this point, i am tired of sketchy guys making comments that they think are flattering but are highly offensive.

for the sake of Carman, i also want to say 1. Carman is a fantastic leader 2. why do women get away with making comments about men, at least more often now a days, say when a hot guy comes on the television, yet women will also jump all over a dude if he made comments about a woman in the same way? its a two way street

i am simply trying to put into words some of my frustrations, rather inadequately i am afraid. i may delete this later.

LuLu

our groupies: kevin, shawna, emmy, and carman

band:nora, rachel, joelle, me

you know you are a musician when:

you keep calling softball practice rehearsal.

other silly things of the week:

i made cake for 50 people and forgot to put in the sugar

i tried to find meat on pigs feet (and people ask why i am now trying the lifestyle of a vegetarian)

stranger than fiction is a great movie

i am getting my hair cut today after not cutting since last July (i am not going to cut it all off, never fear)

Carman, my housemate, is leaving next week and i am very sad

when asked what movies i rented i said 'frank sinatra' when what i meant was 'marie antoinette' which has nothing to do with frank sinatra, obviously

and over all, most people are very very silly

today as a warm fuzzy closer to our staff meeting we were all randomly put into pairs and had to use one word to describe the other person in a positive manner. the person i was paired with i know kind of well, i really like her, she is the office manager and lives in the mountains in a totally sustainable and pro-environment manner (like with a cool composting toilet, no electricity, and lots of solar power) anyway the word she used to describe me was real. which was so encouraging to me because all i really want is to be authentic, genuine, real, and honest. and apparently i am, to a certain extent, enough that this woman who doesn't know me too well can say that 'realness' is a descriptor of my personality. so it made me happy.

i just read Phil and Shanna's blog where Phil recounts a visit to the ER (he cut his hand moving equipment, just a few stiches) where he was in and out of the ER in an hour and the whole thing cost him $60. I mean that was the sum total of the bill, $60. and while he is in Prague, the low cost has nothing to do with a severly lower exchange rate between crowns and dollars. I just found his experience a sharp contrast to my bill of $120 for a 15 min doctors appointment, plus $80 in perscriptions. Needless to say, this bill made it impossible for me to make any expenditure for the last week and a half because it drained my account (given that my monthly income is $225) I remember my own dr.s appointment in Prague plus perscriptions only cost me $40. !!!!. I'm just saying, I find my health insurance and health system more than a little frustrating today. but thank goodness its payday.

April (snow) showers bring May (frost) flowers...

nothing is as disconcerting as having one day be sunny and moderate temperatures without a cloud in the sky and discovering the next day a blizzard has landed on your doorstep. i mean really - jack frost, get a life and move to Antarctica where you are wanted. I guess there may have been a day of transition from pretty weather to wet and cold but i have been quarantined to my house due to sore throat and fever. i went out for a mere three hours this morning, only to have my sickness relapse, forcing me back to my book, bed, and hot tea for another day. (i am not going to lie, though right now i feel awful, as long as my voice (which sounds like someone stole my larynx) does not belie any improvement, i am going to sit tight and be 'sick' for as long as possible.) all that to say, i snapped some April snow pics before burrowing back into bed.

i felt like i had a lot to say but now i can't remember any of it. my job is bizarre and beyond explanation. i think everyone i know is on the verge of extreme burn out. including me. this is my voice going out into the electronic cosmos-- Can anyone hear me?! Is anyone there?!

but on a lighter note, i have been reading these incredible short stories from a short story compilation book called Zoetrope (a zoetrope is a device that gives the illusion of motion) --the book is compiled by Francis Ford Coppola and has some connection between film and fiction, but i can't figure out how, specifically, all the short story authors are tied to film yet.

My favorite so far is about a fetus who has special information from a previous life when he worked in a major pharmaceutical company, information that jeopardizes the World Soul--now the World Soul is punishing him by putting him in the belly of a kleptomaniac/crack momma. The fetus tries to talk to his new mother (through zipper in mom's belly), figuring he has a couple months to straighten her out but when mom refuses to listen, he escapes her belly and sabotages her stealing habits by marking the inside of her stomach with an indelible ink pen so that every time she leaves a store she will set off all the alarms, regardless if she is stealing or not.

i just ruined the story for you. but you should read it anyway. its called 'Inside Information' by Nicola Barker. Its great.

Megan, I think its funny that are you asking about three wishes because i just made a (new) three-current-goals listy thing which could almost be three wishes, because it would be great if these things could happen easily:

1. To become fluent in spanish and one other language (not french, czech? german?)
2. To live in south america at least one year (Argentina? where i could learn to tango?)
3. To live on a sustainable farm for a summer/year. (in south america?)

what i like is that it is feasible for all of these three things to occur at one time.

but now i will construct a strictly wishy wish list:

1. To be fluent in two languages, in addition to English (not as ambitious as you dear amy)
2. To be able to play four instruments with extreme skill (cello, guitar, mandolin, accordian, maybe fiddle?)
3. To rock climb and/or run a super long distance trail race (marathon length or longer, yet shorter than the crazy 50 milers).

a saturday in pictures

You know you work for a non-profit when:

... when driving a car has more challenges than the amazing race. Let me account for you my trip to the grocery store to pick up bread in the shelter van. First, I go out to the car and scoop the snow from the driver's seat. The driver's side window is broken and snow and given that we are in the middle of a snow storm, quite a pile has built up. I grab a new towel from the stash behind the seat (present for this specific reason) and drape it elegantly over the seat and climb in. Now, since the storm is still raging, I calculate that the wind is coming from the northeast, so as long as keep my window to the south or the west, I don't get any snow in my face while driving (of course today i forget my hat and mittens, so this is key). All is well on the way to the grocery store. Then I maneuver two shopping carts of day old bread and cakes through the icy parking lot to the car, only having one moment where i completely lost control of both carts. After loading the car, I head back to the shelter. Though I try to choose a route that keeps my window out of the wind, I have no luck given the plain fact that my destination forces me to drive east. So for the whole ride home I am bombarded by blasts of snow, arriving back at the shelter throughly soaked. I think the main question that needs to be asked applicants of the La Puente volunteer program is whether or not they have a good sense of humor, because my ability to laugh at myself and life has been, on more than one occasion, the saving grace of my day.

why small towns are fantastic:

there is a GIANT sign on State ave that is advertising the sale of BULK WORM POOP.

this was a very different easter for me. i really missed my family! thankfully the day was kept full traveling home from Denver, where shawna, emmy, and carman went with me to drive ethan to the airport and to get away from the small town for a bit. but our weekend plans for hiking and such were short lived in light of the snow and ice that fell--i went to the sunrise service with the vineyards (family friends in the denver area) and by the time i got back to the house there was snow- hard to get up the driveway snow-so we got out of dodge before it got worse. it was pretty much the most intense driving experience of my life, on the way to denver and the way back. yikes. anyway-- on top of not being with family, i feel like everytime i am in church there is something i don't agree with that is being said...and its unsettling because its been almost 8 months since i have a had very satisfying corporate worship experience. not to say that the blame isn't mine for not plugging in enough or whatever but i am so emotionally exhausted by the time i get to sunday, just from my job, that when i go to church the talking, listening, being alone, is very overwhelming and i am about to cry all the time.

anyway-Ethan came for a visit and it was a great time hanging out and exploring, also many more adventures and death defying experiences, it was fabulous. so much to say, i will post some pictures, and you can put together the stories.

we had a gig, flute and cello, at a local event on saturday, called Art Walk, you know people walking around, seeing art and music all down main street. Joelle and I got our names in the program and were the only people playing classical rather than folk music. It was fun and from it we have another potential gig and someone wants me to teach cello lessons, sweeeet.

we also had a 'sex in the city' marathon...overload for real.


and i am really sad we lost.

a day in the life of christa...

I decided to go hiking for a much needed day of and lots of quiet time with myself.....here is a sum up of my solo hiking trip:

wildlife tracks identified: two, dog and deer
wildlife seen: two birds
near death experiences: 1 (lost my footing, slid down a hill until i caught a tree)
snow: lots
moments confirming i have to live in the mountains: 5, 432

March never seems to do well by me. March, I don't like you. We are breaking up...nope...no arguing, its over. Fin. The End. For Always. I rename this month un-march for I cannot even utter your name, March. blech. it leaves a foul taste in my mouth. bring on the showers of April, for surely they will soothe my heart that has been so bruised by M***h.

so i am sick again, yes, again. i have never been sick this much since second grade when i had to have my tonsils pulled out. thankfully in this moment i only have a yucky cold, no flu disaster aka the vomit disease. but it still stinks. especially since i cannot just sit in bed. alas. so it goes. There is just a vicious cycle of illness in this community, floating around the office, floating around the shelter, you cannot escape it!

a friend has a quote that i like, but i don't know the exact wording...but i will paraphrase....

Technology brings people closer together, allows communication over distance,

but nothing can recreate a person's actual presence.

there is a game i really like called set. there is a deck of cards and you find patterns according to four different categories and try to identify sets. the game is different every time. i don't have the deck, but there is an online version at setgame.com, a mini version where you find six sets from 12 cards. it used to take me over three minutes, but i have been slowly decreasing my time to under two minutes. but today, today i did the puzzle in 39 seconds. it was probably a really easy puzzle today, but that does not diminish my sense of accomplishment.


i just watched the departed, it may have bumped the sound of music out of my top five favorite movies of all times. well, that's not possible, really, to bump out the sound of music, but it came awful close.

I can neither confirm nor deny that i am seriously considering blowing off church tomorrow. i am supposed to play music, but they can do it without me. i just have found the whole process very exhausting the past few weeks and i just don't know if i can go. i feel like i should want to go, but i don't. i have become that outsider non-committed church person, i have been telling this gal i will go to her bible study for two months now and haven't made it yet. and probably won't. why do i feel like i have to pretend i will.

Christa's trip to the Bakery...

Christa loves to Bake.
Christa has a friend named Keirsa, who also loves to Bake.
Together they make lots of cookies, cakes, and pies and give them to all their friends.
In the town where Keirsa and Christa live, there is a Bakery called Jezemel's.
The lady who runs Jezemel's is named Melissa and she also loves to Bake.
One day Christa and Keirsa asked Melissa if they could help her make all the treats for her Bakery.
Melissa said yes.
So early one morning, at three am, Christa and Keirsa woke up and met Melissa at the Bakery.
Melissa has to get up so early in order to get all her baking done before the customers come.
Melissa gave Christa and Keirsa aprons and showed them the list of things to make that morning.
Christa made carrot zucchini bread while Keirsa made pie crusts.
Keirsa made cookies while Christa made pecan frosting.
Together, Kerisa, Christa, and Melissa made wheat bread, rye bread, multigrain bread, and danishes.
Danishes were Christa's favorite, after the bread. She carefully folded the butter into the dough and rolled it out. Then they put three fillings in the danishes: Chocolate ganash, cream cheese, and blueberries. The danishes are topped off with a lemon glaze.
Christa got to eat the extra blueberries.
After five hours of baking, everything was ready to open.
Keirsa and Christa left the bakery and then went to work.
It was a very long but fabulous day!
The End



Postlude: I could totally open a bakery, I loved being up before anyone else, kneading the bread, making icing, its all very zen. Maybe someday, when I am done with all my adventures and am ready to stay in one place.

p.s.
some co-volunteers went out of town, for a funeral unfortunately, and had to borrow Carman and I's car for the trip (in true La Puente style, theirs is out of commission...again). In exchange for this favor, they gave us a half gallon of their organic milk they receive weekly. This is no ordinary organic milk. I know the name of the cow this milk came from (its naomi) and its from a local farm (the Kretzingers farm) and is unpasteurized and is the best milk in the world. i do not exaggerate. Muck and Kelsea can keep the car, I want more milk.


reason # 467 why I will one day have my own organic farm: fresh milk from cows like Naomi.

Dude, cleaning my room is so theraputic, i get everything in order, i remember where i put my W2 forms, I find my cell phone, i put away my clean laundry. i am in control again.

I found an old notebook while looking for a new notebook and on the front page was a to do list from over a year ago, a list from the days of camp. It took me a second to decipher the frantic handwriting, but there it was, a time capsule from the past: so and so cannot come to camp today, we did all we could for him but he is continually disruptive; whats-his-name is being fired, more staff coming at 7.30; need more details, CALL LIZ. and then some doodles.

Then I found, a few pages later, a journal-esque entry. (sometimes i just need to write and i will write anywhere) and i think, while reading it, wow, i haven't changed much. i mean i have, but, it seems that my most comsuming concerns are not that different. hmmm. I had to laugh as I kept turning pages, messy, overwhelmed journal entry, list of things to do, journal entry, scheldule of a day in hourly slots, journal entry, list of possible jobs, another schedule...not that anyone is surprised, but here was and is distinct evidence against me. I am a control freak, lamenting the fact i can't have control in one journal entry and on the next page, trying desperately to reign in the unknown. sigh. and so i continue on, dancing to the never changing refrain of my life 'I am a fool, I am a fool' Its a great dance, you should try it sometime.

and I spent $40 on lotion. LOTION. please remind me to move to a tropical, humid climate. I should be freakin sponsered by Eucerin.

oooo brother brother brother i know you've been hangin' on a long time but i love you love you like no other...

...I 've been watching everything you do and I've been wishing only good for you.

1. Please go to Josh and Katrina's blog and witness the first beautiful, perfect pictures of Baby O. Ten weeks and a day old. I am counting down the days until Kat and Josh are back.

2. Please go read the re-opened blog o' Danny, really just because he is cool.

3. Happy pre-birthday Dan, you make my day everytime I talk to you or think about you really, you are a treasured friend and I am so proud of everything you have accomplished and will accomplish, but more importantly I am proud of who you are. I love you.

i miss you all so much that it hurts.

The poverty of our century is unlike that of any other. It is not, as poverty was before, the result of natural scarcity, but of a set of priorities imposed upon the rest of the world by the rich. Consequently, the modern poor are not pitied...but written off as trash. The twentieth-century consumer economy has produced the first culture for which a beggar is a reminder of nothing. John Berger

-----------

A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty. Albert Einstein

Wake up to see the other souls around you.

Let them affect you. Live in the center of your life.

Anonymous

you know how everyone has their guilty pleasures....peanut butter, kelly clarkson, boy bands, what have you....my latest is dance reality shows, any kind, any channel, though specifically, wait for it, you should be glad we are such good friends that i would confess this, ashlee simpson's dancelife. sigh, cable is a curse.

the border

i am back from a whirl wind trip...too much to talk about right now, but i have lots to say.

my new address is 929 state ave, alamosa, co.

i just bought a plan ticket home, from june 1 to june 7th. real cheap too.

i am going to mexico, i will be back in week...