there is something inherently lovely about tea. it could just be my early obsession with all things british, tea parties and the like, but i think it is also that one must take time with tea. or it feels like one must take time, slowly pouring into your 'smaller-than-your-average-coffee-mug' cup, sipping but not slurping the seasoned, steaming beverage. i am currently enjoying peppermint tea in boulder. it is 62 degrees and i am ecstatic with the warmth and sun. and i feel like i have, in this week and a half of unemployment, that i have regained, at least partially, my capacity to enjoy life.

i bought strings for my guitar, which has not had new strings since, um, i got it. and in the long process of restringing i not only broke a doo-hicky on the guitar (which i successfully re fixed with super glue) i broke one of the new strings! which was why i had to buy new ones in the first place, because i broke one of the old ones. so now i have a guitar with only five strings and if i buy new ones, i will just need one of the six strings that come in a set and will be off by one string for the rest of the life of the guitar, unless in some freak accident i break the other five and utilize all the strings in the box again. this is a tragedy.

no job but lots of hope and stalking of places i have applied.

"well," said Pooh, " We keep looking for home and not finding it, so I thought if we looked for this pit we'd be sure not to find it, which would be a good thing, because we might find something we weren't looking for, which might be just what we were looking for really." a.a.milne



I have crossed two things off my list today, which is successful only in regards to how long my list is, which i refuse to disclose. so its a good day.

yup, all giggles and grins here. i've broken out the ol' resume, dusted off the cobwebs from five months ago, made it run some laps, cut off some of the excess,and put in a few new adjectives, like audacious, meritorious, and sardonic, just to round everything out. i am paranoid about comma usage in general, i was given some thrashings in college due to misusage of this terrible and threatening form of punctuation, but if there are any issues i figure we can just step outside and work things out Tennyson style. just keeping it real, y'all.

wow, several teenagers just walked it and if i was moping about my twenties and the abyss that is this educational life stage, i am now so thankful and thrilled that i am no longer 13. if i was 13, i would like to be cool, like mattie vineyard. she bakes cakes and has pigs, some of which are named after harry potter characters.

i dropped my muffin on the floor. i didn't want it anyway.

they say the things that terrify you are the things that are worth doing. it may be true but it is also horrible. extremely horrible.

i need something right now, in this moment, to restore my faith in myself and maybe even my faith in humanity, if not my future. i am looking around for that something. ..it was going to be my muffin, but it fell. so, yup. still waiting.

haha.

i am in the mall and since panera, my internet connection location of the day, was packed i decided to wander around the mall for a bit, waiting for an outlet to open up. while wandering i got asked to do a survey, which i promptly agreed to since the survey involved cocktail sampling and six dollars. now i am sitting in panera eating the meal paid for by my survey and enjoying the buzz from my drink. i gave the drink excellent ratings but now fear i have to hang out at the mall longer because, well, i am Christa and i had one drink.

my week of unemployment has involved alternating episodes of panic and euphoria. what does one do with free time but think and what does thinking do but freak me out. i think (consequently), in the tradition of ophrah, craft time, and all things cheesy, (yet possibly effective) i am going to create a worry box into which i will drop all my worries. and then i might burn it.


or i might just keep coming back to repeatedly participate in the alcohol survey.

um i just finished reading redeeming love in one go, six hours, done. it was very enjoyable and brought me back to seventh grade when i read any Christian romance/ fiction i could get my hands one. i know, its a little scary. but the vineyards have the five films!! of the love comes softly by janette oke. yes i am borrowing them to watch them all.

Eric made an interesting comment about my post titled 'how to say no, etc etc' that though i quit my job i didn't really get completely away, because i have agreed to be a sub, which means i will still work for them. Which is funny and proves how deep this issue goes. i live in dread of phone solicitors because i cannot even say no to them!!! anyone asks me anything and I have a very very hard time saying no. internally i cringe and stammer out, i don't know, maybe, i will think about it, uh, okay, what did i just freaking agree too?? oh my goodness! i am really really bad at this, why i don't know, it must be me, but please don't ask me for anything unless you really want it.

in the process of moving things around in the house for our new roomies i stumbled across the old film that i narrated in the fifth grade called "Worlds of Wonder, The Neighborhoods of Charlotte." Which, personally, i think is a huge jump, to go from whole worlds of wonderment to the little neighborhood of Elizabeth within Charlotte. I re-watched it of course and my annunciation is remarkable. i can identify three main voice expressions:
1. The wide eyed 'Of Course Charlotte is amazing!' dimple, tooth sparkle, giggle
2. Sassy 'What did you think?'and i am 10 with major attitude problems
3. Didactic ' Here is random, obscure history that i am passing off like everyone knows it' so it goes, so it goes

Its genius really and my big break - Charlotte was never the same afterwards.

Megan is incredible. She lined up her shoes for me, one of the sweetest and most sincere expressions of affection i have ever witnessed.

Today is Dan's birthday and he is old. but no matter how old he gets, he will always be cool in my book. love ya man!

How To Say No or Christa Learns To Take Care Of Herself

Due to Megan's absence from the house i feel like i have not talked to anyone in ages. i called the bank lady about the car loan and kept chatting and chatting, like a verbal addict. ack, i thought, i have become that person. I will talk to ANYONE about ANYTHING for an extended amount of time, ignoring social cues, ignoring that I am less than a mere acquaintance to a majority of these victims of my garrulous attacks. alas. ear plugs needed.

I am almost done with work and as I approach, have more free time on my hands, I feel like I am unraveling even more, if that is at all possible. I just feel like my soul cannot undergo anymore attacks. We are at emergency red level. My spirit is like a balloon that floated too high and then expired with a frantic downward spiral accompanied by a somewhat tragic yet somewhat amusing farting noise as it plummeted to its demise. yep, thats me.

meanwhile, i officially have a car and it is officially named Maybell and she is the perfect car for me. we have many adventures in store my dear.


I wrote a valentine poem of which i am quite proud, of limited rhyme and poor meter:

On this day created for the masses
I say we go out and raise up our glasses
To those fools who need it this way
because they cannot say 'I love you' on any normal day
And so we toast to those sad, sorry dumb asses




Things I am glad for:
tiny spoons with which to eat whipped cream off a hot coco
Johnny Cash
walks where you see no cars and no people
bread flour and chocolate chips
standing up tall
friends close by
silliness of any variety

Megan and I were having an interesting conversation last night discussing how we process what is going on in our lives. I find that for myself, a very verbal person, the significant discoveries about who I am and what I am going through are made when I actually take time to be still and quiet with myself. And for Megan, who is naturally inclined to be an introvert, to talk out stuff with people is how she comes to definite conclusions about the things in her life. I think that I just get so tired of worrying about everything in my head all the time, it makes it very difficult for me to verbalize it or dwell on it in conversation, because I am so impatient with myself and want to just move on and do something about it, regardless of whether those attempts to act are successful.

I am going to clean and make cake and read and drink tea today.

lovely. and i don't have to work until Wednesday, lovelier still.

I have an interview for a nanny job on Thursday - I would make more money than my current job and it starts in March which would give me two weeks of rest before work begins again. I think it could be a lovely arrangement.

Recent discoveries:

pine burns much faster and easier than hard woods
my cat has reactive attachment disorder
i really like my new shoes i bought
i like babies
i am amazing

yes. life is full of humor. there is no end to the laughter.

a modern tale:

Christerina, a lowly peasant who worked for a large non-profit, was filling out paper work when she saw a lovely young girl running frantically into a cave. Confused and mystified, Christerina followed the young girl quickly into the cave. However, once in the cave there was not a young girl waiting but a terrifying dragon rooting around in the non-profit's cache of supplies and medicine. Christerina took a step back as the dragon turned her head and focused in on her new prey. Christerina was no warrior but could claim some skills of cunning and deftness of foot. In addition, she had magic spectacles which allowed her to see all that was occurring with clear perception. But these small skills, Christerina did not fool herself, were nothing to the fierce vengeance of the dragon. The dragon began to draw up to its full height and launched itself at Christerina, in one deft move knocking the magic spectacles from Christerina's face. Dumbfounded, Christerina continued to deflect blows, but was dazed by the speed of the dragon. The battle ended quickly as the dragon drove her talon into Christerina's hand. Christerina ran away.

The end.







such is my life.

i need a nap, a long one. maybe for a couple days.

I am going to buy a car, a very adult like thing to do, but apparently very easy, a couple calls, a couple signatures, a couple more bills to pay- BAM! a new Subaru in the driveway. excellent.

we have had lots of visitors and i really enjoy having lots of people around; there is always someone to talk too, always someone to answer the phone, always someone to play games with, lovely. And soon we will have something even better - more people in the mountain house home. ah, it does not get any better.

i am reading a new fantasy book that meets all my criteria for a good read. well, i don't really know what the criteria is but i like the book. um, but maybe not enough for megan's book reading list. i don't know if i can come up with must read books for that list, but i am trying. :)

i know my blogging has been few and far between but soon we will have internet at our house and there will be an endless stream of personal commentary flowing forth. i know you are all breathless in anticipation.

you don't have no words

there is an underpass right before 285, about five minutes from the mountain cabin, that always has cars parked under it. a wide variety of cars no less, from semi's to trucks to small sedans. why, i ask, why are they there? is there some secret underpass club? i think the theory of their cars being unable to drive the road is void because i definitely have seen some sturdy 4 wheel drives out there. it is a mystery but one that drives me crazy. what are you all doing?

i am very awkwardly situated in this coffee shop, i needed to plug in my computer but the only place to do it is with my cord precariously stretching across the entrance to the men's restrooms. the women are able to delicately walk around, but with each male going to the restroom, there is an awkward pause and step. sorry friends.

i am excited/ terrified about having to find a new job. but there is something exhilarating about being able to choose something new. i know i hate being obligated and tied down to a certain commitment, i really struggling with even a year commitment.

what am i to become?

plan of action/attack for revision of colorado mountain experience:
1. quit job (end date of feb 5th)
2. have party to celebrate end of job
3. obtain sweet position as administrative assistant at iliff (and if that falls through, become an exceptional nanny)
4. establish regular volunteering experience (somthing low key and involving international refugees-only once a week)
5. find some musical outlet that normal job hours will allow, either through church or some sort of local orchestra action
6. communal living with Decker-smith familial unit

i will give notice today but the thought of doing so has allowed me to breath for the first time in months.

please send out some prayers on my behalf



i am also considering just becoming a baker.

life is but a quick succession of busy nothings.


puttering, wondering, wandering fill my days.

i am going to move on from my job, this is pretty certain....i think.

as so many people have been telling me, there is just no reason to be as miserable as i am right now and that it is so easy to find a job where i can sleep at night, be at peace, and rest.

i almost feel like the fact that this job has turned me into a wreck of human being makes me weak, insubstantial and unable to handle the reality fo the world. like, i always internally think of myself as a warrior or able to handle anything. but that is clearly not the case. but maybe the job hasn't really turned me into a wreck but has simply revealed the wreck that i already was. am. ?

yesterday the sermon was on love and fear and how fear, not hatred, is the opposite of love. so true. i feel like fear is often the defining emotion of my life currently.


meanwhile, it is lovely to have wonderful women around me. in addition to the marvelous megan, exceptional elisabeth and radient rachel have been chillin in our hood.


megan's youth group girls spent the night at our cabin and there was some amazing midnight sleding going on. the best part is that when we went inside to sleep we threw tons of water on it so it would ice over. the next morning i went down in my pajamas and nearly died. it was amazing. there may be some pictures.

hello.

my employers would be glad to know that i am very stubborn and thus will not quit my job. because i will win in the end! but what victory is there to be had?

i am sitting in a coffee shop (yay) with bad paintings (love it) waiting for rachel (hooray!!!). i ordered a sandwich to eat but really it is no good- the beautiful simplicity of an apple and brie sandwich destroyed by the audaciousness of honey mustard spread. what were they thinking!!

clearly my life is very full of things to talk about, that i lead off my blog with a dissertation on what lies between the bread.

there is a program with denver urban garden project that gives away free seeds to people in the community-isn't that amazing. i am pondering if i could get the kids to garden, but its not likely. hmmm, i might try to order some on our behalf anyway.

the picture beside me is a collage of a giant fly, framed in an altar-esque tri-fold thingy titled the plague. i think they were trying to be deep but i feel they are just stating the obvious.

i am still waiting for a natural disaster, a cry from the dessert, the voice of God, or a plane crash into a tropical island to define my future for me so i would not have to wonder any longer what my purpose, talents, determination, and overall greatness are being stored up for.

my phone is locked and i don't know how to unlock it.

if you ever want a quick lesson in humility, work with kids. oh how they look into your soul and reflect what is there.

my cat is out to destroy me. last night, among her many mischievous acts while we slept, she again destroyed all toilet paper in sight and ate a stick of butter i unfortunately left on the counter. alas.

the corporate/ therapy lingo of my work setting has invaded my everyday conversation. when not feeling so hot i actually say i need to 'take space' or am going to read as a 'coping skill' or i yell at the cat for not saying 'standby' as she should before she goes anywhere. One of the most interesting things about where i work is that i am very conscious about practising what i preach to the kids, about taking care of oneself in various ways--i am very aware of what i should be doing to accomplish this. Ironic that my co-workers gave me some constructive criticism that i need to take more breaks because i keep working myself to my breaking point, which is not helpful to the children or myself. true that, i can definitely take more breaks.

last night megan, eric, and i went to see a musician at this great little bar called little bear. there was an ironic contrast between the bras hanging en mass above the stage and the heart felt acoustical stylings of the artist we went to see. it made me giggle. i also think this dude is a reflection of my brother in 25 years.

i really am glad i live with megan. i did not know i would enjoy it as much as i do ;) i feel i will have a lot to learn this election season.

swallow the very words you call your own

dear readers:

due to lack of internet, energy, information, and inclination i have not written in many days, my apologies.

things of interest:
Rachel arrives in a mere three days (**much rejoicing**)
I am wearing my favorite cat shoes
I love my cat, whose affections strayed with the many visitors that arrived at the mountain home, but now she has no alternative but to return to me for snuggles, treats, and tummy rubs. excellent
Work is hard but life is good. oh why do i always have to take the hard road when at this moment i could be a receptionist or a clerk
I drink more and more coffee with each passing day

again i am seized by a feeling so distinct and rare... i know exactly what i need to do.

leave the country.

and it doesn't even matter where.

hello new year.

i herald in the year by working an extra shift. woot woot.

but then i got to come home to Megan, Lost, and Mozzarella sticks. hooray!!

Already i think this january is looking up compared to last years January (the month is 2/3 longer when one is in Alamosa, its the truth) especially when we have so many visitors coming. excellent.

while watching Lost i have come up with the following conclusions:
1. i would be really good at being stranded on an island
2. if i cannot find an island to be stranded on, a farm is the next best thing.


i wanted to post pictures from the holidays but i cannot find my connector cord. alas.

i had a dream last night that i was a brilliant snow boarder. i am going next monday. i will keep you posted.

haven kimmel is my new favorite author. sorry robin mckinley.

i have witnessed a changing of the guard here at panera. the old ladies have all left and now the business folks are moving in. i know they are jealous that i wear no suit and get to go to work in jeans and plaid -- of course they don't get spit on and attacked with mops. its a trade off.

i have discovered through my work in recent weeks that the thing that absolutely sets me off and is my biggest button that the kids can push is cruel mockery of other children or myself. i cannot stand it. i hate being laughed at.

i think a smoke detector is going off here. how exciting.

i am off to run errands, pick up packages, buy snow boarding pants. its all about looking like you know what you are doing.

peace out yo.