now and then...

i always get nostalgic when on stage in my life (aka americorp year) ends and another begins. i am that person who looks through photo albums on a daily basis. anyway, i was just thinking about how little has really happend in my life in the past year (in terms of BIG EVENTS) but how much i have changed. i am incredibly different. a little more sure of myself, of who i want to be, a little more at peace (on some days), and just really different. thats all i can say really.

(and there is nothing like rock climbing in your pjs. )

a fun sunday walk...

and our youngest fan.

Listen to the Sun, by joelle and christa



Chorus:
we are gamboling a la luna
to listen to the sun
for to gossip about the wizard
by the side of the road
we wear borrowed crowns
from the old Dandy Lion
capturing amarillo from the air
to savor later
we are dreaming

we fancy ourselves pirates
sailing on stolen winds
tasting blue as we charge
carefree into rolling mirrors
reflecting the griffins, sprites,
and imps of our minds
this ship is our mistress,
this day is our own

we are leaved children
of sage giants
purple plum kisses
tatooed on our skin
This grove is our fortress
green banners flutter overhead
mariposas beckon us
this day is our own

we are mermaids in a glen
smooth pale pebbles worship our toes
gurgling azul tempts
our little lovers to steal away
refresing sips of cattails
the sweet taste of laughter
the brook echoes our sighs
this day is our own








i feel like anne of green gables who discovers that her writing is ridiculous (the tree and mermaid verses are my favorites)

so joelle and i wrote a new song today. we were drooling over the lyrics, using tantalizing verbs, thrilled with our own cleverness. and then we tried to set it to music. and realized we are complete dorks. sigh. it would only work as a fantasy rock song, accompanied by a music video with druids, fog machine, and dark cloaks. regardless, i still love the lyrics. it fits very nicely if sung to the lord of the rings theme. we decided we should turn it into an epic opera instead. i am still trying to decide if i should share them or not. i don't know if my heart can stand the laughter that the song begs. hmmm.


i love you mom!!!

I wish I was the moon by Neko Case

Chimney falls and lovers blaze
Thought that I was young
Now I've freezing hands
And bloodless veins
As numb as I've become
I'm so tired, I wish I was the moon tonight

Last night I dreamt I'd forgotten my name
'Cause I sold my soul
But I woke just the same
I'm so lonely, I wish I was the moon tonight

God blessed me I'm a free man
With no place free to go
Paralyzed and collared-tight
No pills for what I fear
This is crazy, I wish I was the moon tonight

Chimney falls as lovers blaze
I thought that I was young
Now I've freezing hands
And bloodless veins As numb as I've become
I'm so tired, I wish I was the moon tonight

How will you know if you've found me at last?
'Cause I'll be the one, be the one, be the one
With my heart in my lap
I'm so tired I'm so tired
And I wish I was the moon tonight

I'm so tired I'm so tired
And I wish I was the moon
I'm so tired I'm so tired
And I wish I was the moon tonight

and the distraught lady called again (is it mere coincidence that the cat and lady appear simultaneously?), but this time to apologize for the mean thing she said to me and we talked for 20 minutes about her history of abuse, illness, everything. how horrible to be so alone in your life that a 23 year old stranger is the only person you have to talk to. how horrible.

make that three times i have let the cat out (she is so cute, she is always in the same spot on the couch)

Today has been a strange day...

i haven't been sleeping well, so i come to work grumpy. very grumpy. thankfully as the day progressed my mood got better.

and then i received two phone calls while at work that make me feel powerless and like sobbing. Some people are so alone, so desperate that all my own loneliness is inconsequential. How do you fix these things that are so screwed up, how do you help people with no hope, who long for death. this woman left me speechless with sorrow.

highlight of my day: there is a sweet little cat, all white with a black moon shape next to her ear, that lives in the backyard of the shelter. She is pregnant and all the guests let her into the house on the sly. Today i found her twice on the couch, having to carry her out. the guest call me heartless for doing so, but in good humor. They take it as their job and duty to let her in and its mine to let her out. So we just play the game. But i love this cat now and love the excuse to pick her up. She is very gentle, never scratches, just lies in my arms, looking dreamily at me. I may look into adoption.

Joelle and i were ecstatic to find a song cycle of Tolkien poems set to music by a guy name Swann when we were looking more music to boost our LuLu repertoire. We were so excited by the prospect of classical music and the wonderful words of Tolkien combined but alas, when Joelle began to run through the songs they were worse than mediocre. Then we read the bio of Swann and he is some sort of stage lyricist, all that to say he degraded Tolkien to the caliber of predictable songs of the 30s. I mean, i love an oldie goldie from the 30s but for Tolkien!?! Is he crazy!?! sigh. i am disgusted and disgruntled.

musings

i have been thinking a lot lately about how one presents oneself to new people. for example, i am working with a lot of work groups from other churches i am have to be nice and polite and talk about how great la puente is and how we need their money. and it is good and i like it. but it is interesting when i have a group of all men. especially older men, who know how to do construction. i become a little girl that doesn't know much about what i am doing. however, if, say, carman, my housemate, is leading with me, he immediately commands the respect of the group. now, carman and i have very different leadership styles. Carman always speaks with authority, even when he has no idea what he is talking about. but he pretends to know whats going on, very convincingly. While i just do it differently, if i don't know, i say so, but i find out the answer. But does carman's reception of respect have to do with his leadership style or his sex. all that to say, i have led two groups of mostly older men and i usually get very frustrated by being 'the girl' and leading the few women that came in 'women's work' (cooking and sorting clothes). my point is, though i get frustrated, how much am i contributing to this perception of myself? are my assumptions about how i am going to be perceived create an inclination to fulfill the role that i think is expected of me? Is it easier for me to step into those roles rather than counteract them? and why is that when i counteract them, i get teased for being independent, difficult, and/or get silly nicknames like 'muscles' or i get people rolling their eyes at me for putting up a fuss? why can't a woman be both strong and feminine, or why does that seem so hard to achieve? why do i play the ditz sometimes, when that's not who i am at all (well maybe sometimes)? why do i get called baby at the shelter? Why if i cook a good dinner or am seen sweeping, i get comments about me being a good wife?

i just babbling really, but i don't like being put in any box, i don't like people making assumptions based on me being a girl, and i don't like being leered at. at this point, i am tired of sketchy guys making comments that they think are flattering but are highly offensive.

for the sake of Carman, i also want to say 1. Carman is a fantastic leader 2. why do women get away with making comments about men, at least more often now a days, say when a hot guy comes on the television, yet women will also jump all over a dude if he made comments about a woman in the same way? its a two way street

i am simply trying to put into words some of my frustrations, rather inadequately i am afraid. i may delete this later.

LuLu

our groupies: kevin, shawna, emmy, and carman

band:nora, rachel, joelle, me

you know you are a musician when:

you keep calling softball practice rehearsal.

other silly things of the week:

i made cake for 50 people and forgot to put in the sugar

i tried to find meat on pigs feet (and people ask why i am now trying the lifestyle of a vegetarian)

stranger than fiction is a great movie

i am getting my hair cut today after not cutting since last July (i am not going to cut it all off, never fear)

Carman, my housemate, is leaving next week and i am very sad

when asked what movies i rented i said 'frank sinatra' when what i meant was 'marie antoinette' which has nothing to do with frank sinatra, obviously

and over all, most people are very very silly

today as a warm fuzzy closer to our staff meeting we were all randomly put into pairs and had to use one word to describe the other person in a positive manner. the person i was paired with i know kind of well, i really like her, she is the office manager and lives in the mountains in a totally sustainable and pro-environment manner (like with a cool composting toilet, no electricity, and lots of solar power) anyway the word she used to describe me was real. which was so encouraging to me because all i really want is to be authentic, genuine, real, and honest. and apparently i am, to a certain extent, enough that this woman who doesn't know me too well can say that 'realness' is a descriptor of my personality. so it made me happy.

i just read Phil and Shanna's blog where Phil recounts a visit to the ER (he cut his hand moving equipment, just a few stiches) where he was in and out of the ER in an hour and the whole thing cost him $60. I mean that was the sum total of the bill, $60. and while he is in Prague, the low cost has nothing to do with a severly lower exchange rate between crowns and dollars. I just found his experience a sharp contrast to my bill of $120 for a 15 min doctors appointment, plus $80 in perscriptions. Needless to say, this bill made it impossible for me to make any expenditure for the last week and a half because it drained my account (given that my monthly income is $225) I remember my own dr.s appointment in Prague plus perscriptions only cost me $40. !!!!. I'm just saying, I find my health insurance and health system more than a little frustrating today. but thank goodness its payday.

April (snow) showers bring May (frost) flowers...

nothing is as disconcerting as having one day be sunny and moderate temperatures without a cloud in the sky and discovering the next day a blizzard has landed on your doorstep. i mean really - jack frost, get a life and move to Antarctica where you are wanted. I guess there may have been a day of transition from pretty weather to wet and cold but i have been quarantined to my house due to sore throat and fever. i went out for a mere three hours this morning, only to have my sickness relapse, forcing me back to my book, bed, and hot tea for another day. (i am not going to lie, though right now i feel awful, as long as my voice (which sounds like someone stole my larynx) does not belie any improvement, i am going to sit tight and be 'sick' for as long as possible.) all that to say, i snapped some April snow pics before burrowing back into bed.

i felt like i had a lot to say but now i can't remember any of it. my job is bizarre and beyond explanation. i think everyone i know is on the verge of extreme burn out. including me. this is my voice going out into the electronic cosmos-- Can anyone hear me?! Is anyone there?!

but on a lighter note, i have been reading these incredible short stories from a short story compilation book called Zoetrope (a zoetrope is a device that gives the illusion of motion) --the book is compiled by Francis Ford Coppola and has some connection between film and fiction, but i can't figure out how, specifically, all the short story authors are tied to film yet.

My favorite so far is about a fetus who has special information from a previous life when he worked in a major pharmaceutical company, information that jeopardizes the World Soul--now the World Soul is punishing him by putting him in the belly of a kleptomaniac/crack momma. The fetus tries to talk to his new mother (through zipper in mom's belly), figuring he has a couple months to straighten her out but when mom refuses to listen, he escapes her belly and sabotages her stealing habits by marking the inside of her stomach with an indelible ink pen so that every time she leaves a store she will set off all the alarms, regardless if she is stealing or not.

i just ruined the story for you. but you should read it anyway. its called 'Inside Information' by Nicola Barker. Its great.

Megan, I think its funny that are you asking about three wishes because i just made a (new) three-current-goals listy thing which could almost be three wishes, because it would be great if these things could happen easily:

1. To become fluent in spanish and one other language (not french, czech? german?)
2. To live in south america at least one year (Argentina? where i could learn to tango?)
3. To live on a sustainable farm for a summer/year. (in south america?)

what i like is that it is feasible for all of these three things to occur at one time.

but now i will construct a strictly wishy wish list:

1. To be fluent in two languages, in addition to English (not as ambitious as you dear amy)
2. To be able to play four instruments with extreme skill (cello, guitar, mandolin, accordian, maybe fiddle?)
3. To rock climb and/or run a super long distance trail race (marathon length or longer, yet shorter than the crazy 50 milers).

a saturday in pictures

You know you work for a non-profit when:

... when driving a car has more challenges than the amazing race. Let me account for you my trip to the grocery store to pick up bread in the shelter van. First, I go out to the car and scoop the snow from the driver's seat. The driver's side window is broken and snow and given that we are in the middle of a snow storm, quite a pile has built up. I grab a new towel from the stash behind the seat (present for this specific reason) and drape it elegantly over the seat and climb in. Now, since the storm is still raging, I calculate that the wind is coming from the northeast, so as long as keep my window to the south or the west, I don't get any snow in my face while driving (of course today i forget my hat and mittens, so this is key). All is well on the way to the grocery store. Then I maneuver two shopping carts of day old bread and cakes through the icy parking lot to the car, only having one moment where i completely lost control of both carts. After loading the car, I head back to the shelter. Though I try to choose a route that keeps my window out of the wind, I have no luck given the plain fact that my destination forces me to drive east. So for the whole ride home I am bombarded by blasts of snow, arriving back at the shelter throughly soaked. I think the main question that needs to be asked applicants of the La Puente volunteer program is whether or not they have a good sense of humor, because my ability to laugh at myself and life has been, on more than one occasion, the saving grace of my day.

why small towns are fantastic:

there is a GIANT sign on State ave that is advertising the sale of BULK WORM POOP.