you don't have no words

there is an underpass right before 285, about five minutes from the mountain cabin, that always has cars parked under it. a wide variety of cars no less, from semi's to trucks to small sedans. why, i ask, why are they there? is there some secret underpass club? i think the theory of their cars being unable to drive the road is void because i definitely have seen some sturdy 4 wheel drives out there. it is a mystery but one that drives me crazy. what are you all doing?

i am very awkwardly situated in this coffee shop, i needed to plug in my computer but the only place to do it is with my cord precariously stretching across the entrance to the men's restrooms. the women are able to delicately walk around, but with each male going to the restroom, there is an awkward pause and step. sorry friends.

i am excited/ terrified about having to find a new job. but there is something exhilarating about being able to choose something new. i know i hate being obligated and tied down to a certain commitment, i really struggling with even a year commitment.

what am i to become?

plan of action/attack for revision of colorado mountain experience:
1. quit job (end date of feb 5th)
2. have party to celebrate end of job
3. obtain sweet position as administrative assistant at iliff (and if that falls through, become an exceptional nanny)
4. establish regular volunteering experience (somthing low key and involving international refugees-only once a week)
5. find some musical outlet that normal job hours will allow, either through church or some sort of local orchestra action
6. communal living with Decker-smith familial unit

i will give notice today but the thought of doing so has allowed me to breath for the first time in months.

please send out some prayers on my behalf



i am also considering just becoming a baker.

life is but a quick succession of busy nothings.


puttering, wondering, wandering fill my days.

i am going to move on from my job, this is pretty certain....i think.

as so many people have been telling me, there is just no reason to be as miserable as i am right now and that it is so easy to find a job where i can sleep at night, be at peace, and rest.

i almost feel like the fact that this job has turned me into a wreck of human being makes me weak, insubstantial and unable to handle the reality fo the world. like, i always internally think of myself as a warrior or able to handle anything. but that is clearly not the case. but maybe the job hasn't really turned me into a wreck but has simply revealed the wreck that i already was. am. ?

yesterday the sermon was on love and fear and how fear, not hatred, is the opposite of love. so true. i feel like fear is often the defining emotion of my life currently.


meanwhile, it is lovely to have wonderful women around me. in addition to the marvelous megan, exceptional elisabeth and radient rachel have been chillin in our hood.


megan's youth group girls spent the night at our cabin and there was some amazing midnight sleding going on. the best part is that when we went inside to sleep we threw tons of water on it so it would ice over. the next morning i went down in my pajamas and nearly died. it was amazing. there may be some pictures.

hello.

my employers would be glad to know that i am very stubborn and thus will not quit my job. because i will win in the end! but what victory is there to be had?

i am sitting in a coffee shop (yay) with bad paintings (love it) waiting for rachel (hooray!!!). i ordered a sandwich to eat but really it is no good- the beautiful simplicity of an apple and brie sandwich destroyed by the audaciousness of honey mustard spread. what were they thinking!!

clearly my life is very full of things to talk about, that i lead off my blog with a dissertation on what lies between the bread.

there is a program with denver urban garden project that gives away free seeds to people in the community-isn't that amazing. i am pondering if i could get the kids to garden, but its not likely. hmmm, i might try to order some on our behalf anyway.

the picture beside me is a collage of a giant fly, framed in an altar-esque tri-fold thingy titled the plague. i think they were trying to be deep but i feel they are just stating the obvious.

i am still waiting for a natural disaster, a cry from the dessert, the voice of God, or a plane crash into a tropical island to define my future for me so i would not have to wonder any longer what my purpose, talents, determination, and overall greatness are being stored up for.

my phone is locked and i don't know how to unlock it.

if you ever want a quick lesson in humility, work with kids. oh how they look into your soul and reflect what is there.

my cat is out to destroy me. last night, among her many mischievous acts while we slept, she again destroyed all toilet paper in sight and ate a stick of butter i unfortunately left on the counter. alas.

the corporate/ therapy lingo of my work setting has invaded my everyday conversation. when not feeling so hot i actually say i need to 'take space' or am going to read as a 'coping skill' or i yell at the cat for not saying 'standby' as she should before she goes anywhere. One of the most interesting things about where i work is that i am very conscious about practising what i preach to the kids, about taking care of oneself in various ways--i am very aware of what i should be doing to accomplish this. Ironic that my co-workers gave me some constructive criticism that i need to take more breaks because i keep working myself to my breaking point, which is not helpful to the children or myself. true that, i can definitely take more breaks.

last night megan, eric, and i went to see a musician at this great little bar called little bear. there was an ironic contrast between the bras hanging en mass above the stage and the heart felt acoustical stylings of the artist we went to see. it made me giggle. i also think this dude is a reflection of my brother in 25 years.

i really am glad i live with megan. i did not know i would enjoy it as much as i do ;) i feel i will have a lot to learn this election season.

swallow the very words you call your own

dear readers:

due to lack of internet, energy, information, and inclination i have not written in many days, my apologies.

things of interest:
Rachel arrives in a mere three days (**much rejoicing**)
I am wearing my favorite cat shoes
I love my cat, whose affections strayed with the many visitors that arrived at the mountain home, but now she has no alternative but to return to me for snuggles, treats, and tummy rubs. excellent
Work is hard but life is good. oh why do i always have to take the hard road when at this moment i could be a receptionist or a clerk
I drink more and more coffee with each passing day

again i am seized by a feeling so distinct and rare... i know exactly what i need to do.

leave the country.

and it doesn't even matter where.

hello new year.

i herald in the year by working an extra shift. woot woot.

but then i got to come home to Megan, Lost, and Mozzarella sticks. hooray!!

Already i think this january is looking up compared to last years January (the month is 2/3 longer when one is in Alamosa, its the truth) especially when we have so many visitors coming. excellent.

while watching Lost i have come up with the following conclusions:
1. i would be really good at being stranded on an island
2. if i cannot find an island to be stranded on, a farm is the next best thing.


i wanted to post pictures from the holidays but i cannot find my connector cord. alas.

i had a dream last night that i was a brilliant snow boarder. i am going next monday. i will keep you posted.

haven kimmel is my new favorite author. sorry robin mckinley.

i have witnessed a changing of the guard here at panera. the old ladies have all left and now the business folks are moving in. i know they are jealous that i wear no suit and get to go to work in jeans and plaid -- of course they don't get spit on and attacked with mops. its a trade off.

i have discovered through my work in recent weeks that the thing that absolutely sets me off and is my biggest button that the kids can push is cruel mockery of other children or myself. i cannot stand it. i hate being laughed at.

i think a smoke detector is going off here. how exciting.

i am off to run errands, pick up packages, buy snow boarding pants. its all about looking like you know what you are doing.

peace out yo.

all i want is to sleep alot. last night was my only chance to recharge for the next two days and 16 hours of work and the horror that is saturdays and i kept waking up and looking for something. i don't know what it is, but i was looking for something and i really needed to find it and i couldn't. and so the day begins, i am sick, exhausted and frankly feel on the verge of tears at all times. this will end. i will find rest.


i finished the solace of leaving early and it is one of the most beautiful books. i need to read it again.

its not quite the new year but its time for reflection anyway:

the blog beginnings of 2007, the fastest year of my life thus far.

January: I am back from vacation with the family. it was pretty much exactly what i needed, lots of quiet, games, movies, reading, sleep, and snow.

February: i am going to mexico, i will be back in week...

March: Christa loves to Bake.

April: why small towns are fantastic: there is a GIANT sign on State ave that is advertising the sale of BULK WORM POOP.

May: today as a warm fuzzy closer to our staff meeting we were all randomly put into pairs and had to use one word to describe the other person in a positive manner. the person i was paired with i know kind of well, i really like her, she is the office manager and lives in the mountains in a totally sustainable and pro-environment manner (like with a cool composting toilet, no electricity, and lots of solar power) anyway the word she used to describe me was real.

June: Here is a sampling of my trip to NC, out of order, yet still fabulous. I had lots of good times with my family and spent a lot of time catching up with as many people as I could fit into my brief trip.

July: well it wasn't really mount doom but there really were times i thought i was on the verge of blinking out of exisitence on this last hiking excursion.

August: i have been going and going and going and telling myself that it is humanly possible to keep up the hours i've been working, don't think about it christa, just keep going. and now i am done and my brain is thinking about things other than fence slates, screws, and drills that don't work. and i can neither confirm nor deny that i am freaking out. a little. mindless packing will do that do you too.

September: Nothing new has really happened to warrant blogging except that i like to hear myself talk, again proving that the sole purpose of blogs, or at least my blog, is unadulterated self-worship.

October: today is a beautiful day, cool and crisp and very fall like. it makes me very very happy

November: hello. i blogged a bit ago but inadvertently deleted the whole thing. boo. now i try again.

December: you know that horrible claustrophobic feeling that comes with having static electricity in your hair or a wedgie you cannot correct without public humiliation. that is how i feel today but without any external cause to blame the feeling on. i am the wedgie.

do prairie dogs hibernate?

(White-tailed and Gunnison's prairie dogs hibernate from about October to March, depending on elevation. Black-tailed prairie dogs do not hibernate, but will stay below ground for several days during cold cloudy weather.)

its my birthday and i do what i want! which means go to work. phooey. i think all birthdays should be holidays celebrated by people brining you breakfast in bed, spa treatments, lounging, slippers, fires, and reading good books all day long.

but my family comes tonight, which is great and exciting. i especially excited that just as baby eli leaves my life for two.5 weeks, baby amelia enters it, so there will be no lack of baby love.

i am listening to the people around me, and the majority of them are lamenting holiday family functions, oh the irony of the holidays.

and malls are an abomination to the world.

these are my opinions.


still haven't selected a ' year 24' themesong, it was suggested i should select some john denver but no, i think not.

i finished writing a song, well i actually wrote two new songs but they sound so similiar, really i need to move away from Am but i like it so much! alas. i also need new guitar strings.

the barista (but its a guy, what do you call a guy barista, barister?) is singing horribly to the music and it is highly amusing.
i am roasting here in the sun. roasting.

and thus my birthday passes as just another day with nothing profound nor incredible occurring but the little things that i love.


here is my horoscope:

Kids play a prominent role in the day's activities. If you've got some, spend a little extra time with them; if not, you may want to check in with friends or relatives so you can soak up the positive, youthful energy

(oh if they only knew)

from the onion:
Like a shooting star, so too will your outer extremities ignite while hurdling through the earth's atmosphere in May.

(excellent)

current theme song options for year 24:
when the stars go blue, rayn adams
let's dance, david bowie
i'm bringing sexy back, justin timberlake
flash gordon, queen





i am kidding about justin.

you can give a lot without ever having to sacrifice (and this is not good thing)

this is my second time in the coffee shop that i have seen these UPS dudes hanging out. its great, they chat about thier vans, grip about hours, and lounge in their brown uniforms. classic.

so i tried to throw myself a birthday party last night....but no one came....i even made a delicious tart and tons of cookies and .... no one came. it sounds more pathetic than it was, actually megan and i were both a little relieved that no one came, so we ate the cookies and tart and shared a bottle of wine and stayed up until the woodstove grew cold, talking. megan also pointed out the lack of attendees was really that we don't really know anyone not that we know lots of people that didn't come. phew. and she also pointed out, in the wisdom she always has, that we have made three really good friends that we love hanging out with, jessa, eric, and eli - which in the short time we have been here is amazing and a gift.

there was another story i was going to share but i cannot remember...

i will be 24 tomorrow but i still feel like i am 12, is that normal?

i think i am going to make cupcakes today

i think i have become more southern upon leaving the south.



an excerpt from Lost by david Wagoner

...You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows where you are. You must let it find you.

little triumphs

i am officially not allergic to wheat (which still leaves the mystery of my symptoms...curious) bring on the mac and cheese

the snowblower functions

i am turning 24--i need a theme song for the next year, any suggestions? i am thinking queen again

shawna--it makes me happy you read megan's blog

megan and i are getting tattoos on monday (parents you have thus been officially warned)

i successfully navigated uptown in the snow without hitting any pedestrians

i am determined to have fun tonight regardless of how cranky the children are

today i saw a two year old who refused to wear shoes and was lying on the floor screaming cause his feet were cold--i hear you kid, i feel the same way.

found a new oranic vegetarian cage, excellent, and the barista lady complemented my home made scarf. she has excellent taste.


i think i'm cute

i am reading a book i love

i made christmas cookies last night and have the most perfect bird cookie cutter

i washed the dishes last night and cleaned out the fridge



the best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely, or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quite alone with the heavens, nature, and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, admidst the simple beauty of nature. As long as this exists, and it certainly always will, I know that then there will always be comfort for every sorrow, whatever the circumstances may be. Anne Frank

i think Megan is the link to my sanity right now. she has an inherent ability to allow one to be themselves in whatever state that may be and make that okay. she says that is because people see how messed up she is and feel invariably better about themselves but i don't believe that is true. i think she is just good at giving you space to be crazy in her presence without judgment. either way, i feel like i will be okay when i am with her.

there is lots of snow and we still cannot get our snow blower to work, which i call ironic, whether it is or not. i will soon be selling Christa's one hour snow shoveling work out video, complete with 80s music medley.

I watched a horrible movie lately called Mountain Family Robinson. This film had been recorded over Cheetah, which is what i thought i was watching. such anguish that the perfection that is the film Cheetah was taped over for a 70s feel good film that was 75% slow motion montages of kids running through wild flowers and wild animals playing. my real issue is that this family had tame wild animals which i think completely nullifies the principals of intentional mountain living. and their garden was totally lame. whatever. if anyone has a copy of cheetah, please send it to me.

i have just entered at least 12 swwepstakes and i am bound to win something.

so here i am.

it snowed most of the weekend and i hid in my house. i decided i like snow, as long as i don't have to drive. this means it is going to be a long winter for me. the sun came out on sunday and was so tangible, everywhere the sun didn't reach stayed icy and blue but the places where it did hit glowed.

i didn't sleep well saturday night but that enabled me to see the sunrise sunday morning. i put on all my layers and tromped out in the snow at the crack of dawn, saying good morning to the deer, until it was too cold to be outside any longer and i rushed inside to sit by the wood stove.

you know that horrible claustrophobic feeling that comes with having static electricity in your hair or a wedgie you cannot correct without public humiliation. that is how i feel today but without any external cause to blame the feeling on. i am the wedgie.

i might have a broken nose.

last night when i was driving home i think the car next to me hit a deer but i was just far enough in front of the other car to not know exactly what was happening except that he swerved toward me then suddenly pulled over. i looked for hints of what happened, for all i saw was large and white jumping into the road, but nothing was there. i think it was a Yettie.

i am in a bad mood i know and i apologize. i got nothing.

yesterday i found that when i spoke this questionable southern drawl kept emerging from my mouth--i kept calling all the children darlin' or honey and don't really know how to account for it.

it is time for a list of things that make me happy:

Tiffany, who is patiently enduring my grump and who took funny pictures with me last night

my parents, my family, what can i say, i love them

my cat, though she drives me crazy, is so sweet while being crazy, i strive to emulate her

my guitar that i cannot really play, specifically the A7 chord

my boots

books

gay bars, specifically gay country bars

most children, except the one that broke my nose (just kidding i like him too)

hot chocolate

the promise of sleep and sanity

last night i saw a falling star....or a plane crashing, i am not sure which.

photos by Tiff

there is a dilemma. last week i decided that when working with the children to error on the side of compassion, because i had had some incidents of being extremely firm and it did not make me feel good at the end of the day. but now i have changed my mind again. because compassion didn't necessarily work either. so i don't know where that leaves me.

i want a new tattoo and am very very excited about it. it is drawn on me and the more i see it the more i like it. i hope it will signify and remind me to live intentionally and with purpose.

when i came to the coffee shop this morning they knew who i was and how i liked my coffee. splendid.

i am having trouble regrouping after last saturday of work and i am not sure how to make myself okay by three today. i am starting with a book and coffee.

i borrowed megan's bag and everytime i see it here beside me i instinctively look up and around for her but she is not here, clearly. silly me.

jessa, eli, tiffany, and i went to boulder yesterday and spent the whole day browsing without finding anything--or what i mean is we mainly stole ideas we could do ourselves. i love doing that. and Eli is such a gentleman, sigh, so sweet and such great company.