my debut with the sea wolf mutiny

The Sea Wolf Mutiny at the Evening Muse, Charlotte, 11 pm

Cover is $5

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I AM SO EXCITED!

How you live your days is how you live your life

This is a totally satisfying practice suitable for such a rainy day. I keep adding to this list and I find it affirming when I put something on there twice by accident, thus revealing how much I want to accomplish said task. Some things are silly, others far-fetched but all I propose to accomplish. I find perusing this list to be very motivating.

This is what I have so far:

learn Spanish / learn German / keep a garden/ learn to can/ play the ukulele/ own a typewriter/ learn to rock climb/ learn to dance (swing, tango, waltz, tap, etc)/ hike the App. Trail/ live a year (or more) in another country/ wear a homemade clothing/ make a pair of shoes/ make my own cheese/ write a novel (or two)/ illustrate my children’s book/ write a cookbook/ run a marathon/ build my own house/ build a green house/ build a tree house/ live without driving a car for a year (or more)/ be good/ buy land of my own/ write a song/ build a bed/ build a bookshelf/ reupholster something/ grow my hair out really really long/ have children (lots)/ paint all my walls the color of my soul/ wear flowers in my hair/ canoe from somewhere inland to the ocean/ explore an island/ learn to kayak/ design my own fabric/ make a short or a documentary/ play the electric cello/ go to nursing school/ do doctors without borders/ be a real citizen aka vote in an election and understand everything I am voting on/ visit the white house/ visit the Smithsonian museums/ go to Egypt and see the pyramids/ go to China/ make my own bread/ own goats/ compost and maybe even have worms/ be fearless/ roller derby!/ make ugly cakes filled with love/ jump out of a cake/ be in a musical/ write a musical/ dance in a field while wearing a white dress/ make my own wedding dress (get married?)/ learn yoga/ journal/ stop eating sugar/ do street art/ stencil/ climb the Himalayas/ go to India/ go to New Zealand/ learn the healing properties of herbs and plants/ tutor reading/ memorize and play a cello piece I am scared of/ master scales

Observation

It seems physically impossible for me to leave the house. I keep sitting here, my things are by the door, but I never quite make it. I have convinced myself that everything I need to do can wait....this spells trouble.

I'm awake

For the first time in like, what, 5? 6 weeks? I feel awake. Something in the pollen has shifted, Praise the Lord! So what am I doing today? Getting my crap in order, my sad, neglected, ignored crap. I am going down the list because I am awake and ready for nursing school. Can you hear me screaming? Oh, right, that's just in my head. I am a little worried about how all of this is going to come together, but come together it will. I have a list.

Recent Events:

- Christina got wed, completed with girly sleepovers, tree climbing, singing "Going to the Chapel", and blissful send-offs.

- I am reading every book Madeline L'Engle ever wrote.

- Dan's band is playing in Charlotte! April 1st, Evening Muse. I will be playing too! Come hear us kids!

I am having one of those days where my ability to make light of every situation and laugh at myself is failing. With each opening flower bud and each ray of sunshine, my state of health decreases. As the wicked witch of the west was destroyed by water, so I am being destroyed by spring.

Things I have done during the day seem like a dream when I remember them. And my real dreams mix up all of the things of my day in a wild and disturbing manner that I don't wish to recollect or relive. What could be so disturbing. I will introduce you to some of the cast of my dream last night: larvae. Need I say more?

Things are pretty.

Okay, so I just attempted my first Etsy treasury, mainly because I loved Jessa's onesie creation (see the first item). This was exhausting. I am sure I can find better ways to spend my time, but in the end I am quite pleased with the collection and aesthetic balance. Hooray for Mondays!

I don't want to jinx it, but I think my cough is almost gone. I have used only one cough drop today and have spent only 17.23 minutes in the act of coughing. I am afraid to do anything other than sleep and drink tea, for fear I will throw my body back into immune system havoc!

What is most ironic, I thought to myself as I stared through the locked door of my car at the car keys on the seat, is that 10 minutes ago I said aloud, What would make this day suck is if I lock my keys in my car. And then I did it, thus sealing the fate of my afternoon. Things that happened while locked out of my car:

- I played chicken with a hawk. I kid you not. This giant bird swoops down from the sky right toward me and I just stare at it. I am wondering, is it aiming for me or am I just in its way? Can it not see me? Where is this giant bird headed? And then, when I could see its talons, I ducked. Now I know I have a tendency towards hyperbole, but I am so telling the truth. Hawk Bird Vs. Christa. Hawk Bird won. I knew this once I found myself cowering under my bumper.

- A woman asked where I was from in Colorado and somehow, in our 6.15 minute conversation, I told her my entire life story. Not sure how that happened.

- I calculated how many times I locked myself out of places in the last 12 months: car - 5, apartment - 2, house I am babysitting at with kids inside - 1. I think I need to go to locksmith school.

- My ears are ringing. Because I have an ear infection, like a three year old. The doctor told me that my lasting illness is actually allergies. And then I got an ear infection. I am so so so tired.

- Locksmith shows up and tells me his life story, with dramatic hand gestures, while I look at my watch because its time to pick up the baby from Spanish. Apparently a psychic, who he opened (unlocked) a door for, was phone stalking him. And, you know, he likes thick girls but not THICK girls (this is the first thing he tells me. my question: who are you and why aren't you opening my car?) so, he is going to have her number blocked. And she won't stop calling him (I have to pick up a toddler in 3 minutes). Finally I tell him I have to go pick up my little girl (the church is in walking distance) and I go get Emmy and we have a lovely walk while he finishes breaking into my car. Which, if you ever wondered, Subarus are hard to break into.

A hint of greater things.

Listening to my bro and his fellow band member, Bobby, play some music on this here podcast.

Driving home I see those flooded fields How can people not know what beauty this is I've taken it for granted my whole life Since the day I was born

This Valentines week I couldn't help but think how lucky and loved I am. I am so blessed with lovely, lovely people in my life. I have entered a season of such contentment and peace in knowing who I am and a little bit of where I am going. This is the great thing about growing up, for all of its bumps and falls. Sometimes I am so filled with joy, for no outwardly obvious reason, that I feel that rainbows will shoot from my fingertips. By asking the questions I have avoided out of fear, I have found sweet answers and affirmations that shatter the lies that I let live in my heart.

This week deserves celebration for the great folks that were born into it, Tiffany and my bro, Dan. Birthdays can sometimes have a tinny quality to them, echoing as we try to fill them with all the things we want to share and show people, the things we want to say, and the longing to feel our worth. But I hope these dear friends feel the weight of their importance to the people around them, in a it's-a-wonderful-life-other-wordly-experience way, if necessary. I have the hook up with some angels if ya'll need some Clarence love (that's his name right? the angel that needs to earn his wings). I love you guys!

I've been accepted to Johns Hopkins, she said in a whisper that couldn't contain her hope, excitement, and glee.

I make a lot of mistakes. Lots. In the past each one would be seared into my memory and I would relive them, painstaking detail by painstaking detail. That time I broke something. Or that time I said something embarrassing. Or my entire year of 6th grade. Then I learned to laugh at myself. It takes a little practice, but now I am really good at it. Really good. So now I am learning to handle my EPIC mistakes with grace. The ones where lots of people know you messed up, not just the lady you spilled coffee on. The one where you organized an event, invited 100 people, and then put the wrong address on the flier and didn't realize it until your boss calls you, lost and 30 minutes late to the function he is hosting. Right. Epic. But guess what. I slept really well and only spent 1 hour of my day groaning (I knew I needed to stop when the little girl I babysit started mimicking my guttural and heart wrenching "Oh my goooooossh" moans that would spontaneously spew forth). And now I am preparing to go into the office and face my consequences (which I am sure include a bucket of hot oil, maybe some tar and feathers). Things I will do: apologize, not make that mistake again, see what I can do to fix things, resign if necessary (the knowledge I could quit at any time makes everything in life more bearable). Things I will NOT do: Talk meanly to myself in my head.

The ironic thing is yesterday morning, before the revelation of my flier debacle, I was so sure of myself and like, dude, I am so on top of things today. My list was checked off, the work was done, things were good. Bum, bum, buuuuuuuummmmmm. Cue the flier and the laugh track.

I can steal this minute and this minute and this minute and no one will know that I took them all for myself, because I didn't want to share. These minutes are for sitting, thinking, watching the sun, and feeling safe. And I am keeping them.

DIY

How to freak out your online discussion group: Talk about new mother's eating their placentas. No one will respond to my post. I dominate! My virtual classmates cower in the presence of my boldness and are left virtually speechless. Bwahahahaha! Put that in your psychological development pipe and smoke it.

Addendum

This week I also got to experience behind the scenes school stuff. This sends a thrill through me similar to the joy produced by walking in churches barefoot after hours or hearing my shoes echo as I walk down shiny hallways. There is a location, called School Supply, where all the mail for all the schools is sorted. Each school has its own slot and I got to sort out hundreds of packages into those slots. Thrilling! This is also where all the buses sleep and lie in wait for each school day.

The good Lord gave me peaches and the good Lord gave me bread

Today has not gone as planned.

1. I slept an extra hour (Inside my head: GO! GO! GO! GO! Outside my head: Mesljdospahdnononowakeupyetsldjkd)

2. Got Lost in Huntersville. Well, I knew where I was but not where the school I needed to find was. I have had savant-like navigational success this week (with some assistance from me dad), using a map like I was born with one in hand. GPS, not needed thanks, I am going to triangulate this old school style. Using a road trip phrase gleaned from Ethan, my map buddy, I was going to "feel my way" to all my locations. This worked for the past 20 schools. Not this morning. 2 Hours of random driving, witnessing car accidents, and getting stuck behind funeral processions, I decided to cut my losses and head to task two of the day: photo copies at the office.

3. No One Was at the Office. And the door was locked. And I can't get my parking ticket validated. So I leave, losing two dollars for a 10 minute stop, 45 minutes of driving, and no photo copies.

4. At Panera. Getting directions and drinking coffee I shouldn't drink and eating a free bagel I shouldn't eat (That's right girls, my confession). Recently swearing, AGAIN, to give up wheat lasted, oh, four days. My bagel was delicious. Why give up wheat, you ask? Well. My wellness plan for fighting illness this week (I have been sick all week, in addition to other chaos. The toddler I watch says, Christa I have something for you. I reach out my hand, what? Something from my nose, she replies, as she wipes a booger in my hand. Ah. Thank you.) included huge amounts of vegetable and fruit juice. I feel much better AND my eczema on my hand, which has been lingering forever, is clearing up magically. Coincidence? I think not. Dear Panera, stop giving me free food. Dear Self, grow a pair.

5. Today I want to stretch out in the sun (or in my bed), read books and let my mind empty of snot and thoughts (haha, that was going to be more poetic but I couldn't avoid adding the snot. Such a good word and very similar to our new positive adjective, SMAOT - which is hot and smart combined. The A is silent).

6. Before this week I had never used Vics Vapor Rub. And its magical. It always kind of freaked me out, but as I was rummaging through cabinets looking for anything cold relief oriented, I found the little blue jar. I'm telling you, magic. If you are feeling the smallest bit poorish, wrap up in blankets in your bed, smear this on your chest while snuggling a heating pad. Miraculous sleep will result.

7. The Last Thing Impeding Productivity: I am blogging at Panera. Must Go Back To Work.

In My Head

Flighty Christa (FC): I love these cute and very cheap little houses in Columbia. I should move down here. Then I could also play in my brother's band all the time (because I love it) and I could have a cute little house all of my own.

Grounded Christa (GC): That's silly. You are going to nursing school.

FC: There is a school there.

GC: You would have to be a transfer student, it would take longer and cost more to complete your degree.

FC: Well, I could get a job as a CNA while I go to school, so that would help and the pace would be slower, so I could sleep more. AND THE BAND IS HERE.

GC: Right, you just got your CNA liscense in NC, not SC. And you can't plan your life around a band. End of discussion.

FC: Cute cheap houses, good thrift stores, and garden potential.

GC: High crime rate, low job rate, you're a fool.

FC: I like crafts.

GC: I know.

Has anyone seen the latest 30 rock? Does anyone read my blog? They were song fighting people, song fighting. Put that on my to do list.

I am going to fail my online classes, because I open my computer and suddenly I am watching my favorite TV shows. Odd, isn't it?

Its exhausting being me. I am a walking disaster. Today: I accidentally fed all my checks into the ATM at once instead of one at a time, thus my total deposit was 20 bucks instead of 180. Had to ask the bank people to open the ATM. Yep.

I have a new white cardigan that I LOVE. love. So I wear it as little as possible. Otherwise, I will destroy it. I will put it on just as I walk out the door and I am not allowed to eat in it or use ink pens. or pencils. or paint. And as soon as I get home I take it off and put on my "home cardigan" which has holes and is ugly and is indestructible.

Taken by storm

Random Thoughts This Morning:

I have neglected my online classes for 4 days and missed assignments. Oops.

My house is incredibly clean.

I was singing old MacDonald with the kiddo and I paused to let her fill in the animal when she shouted "Camel!" looking at me expectantly to provide the necessary sound. Uh, what does a camel say?

I started a new job and I am terrified. Working from home makes me feel like I always need to be working, but this position is dependent on other people.

I need printer paper and some coffee.

I am going to make egg rolls for dinner. Maybe. I love egg rolls.

I am ready for my next transition into nursing school. Online classes and working from home makes me 1. Feel like a recluse and 2. Feel oddly unanchored to a schedule. I have been doing these new things for less than a week, so I suppose I will adjust. I had a thought last night that I need to practice learning. Its easy to pretend to read and then cram right before a test, but where will that get me in the long run. I actually have to practice discipline, think about the material as I read it, digest it, think about it, enjoy it, learn it. I figure I better practice now with these psychologies before I get to the real stuff. I am feeling very lethargic in general, so I am hoping a second wind will come my way and provide needed inspiration for activity. Otherwise, I think I am heading to the library or some non-home place so that the things to do will actually get done.

I have this weird bump on the back of my head. I assume I hit my head somewhere but I can't recall where....so I have concluded that its a spider bite and I have spider eggs growing in the back of my head. If I play my cards right, I could give Medusa a run for her money.

Ack! Turn off the TV! (as a side note: duh.)

Today I entertained myself by narrating my day with cheesy news headlines, like "Christa's Brain: Your Source for Breaking News, Specifically In The Category Of Things That Amuse And Have No Pertinence To Real Life."

Here are the highlights:

Dangerous Entanglements: The Curse of Clothing Claustrophobia

It is a Glory Given to Her for a Covering: Hair Straighteners and the Gospel

(this one's for you Megan)

Sew Wrong: When Homemade Clothing Goes Bad

The NeverEnding Story: Christa Says Something Awkward

Running in the Rain: A Guide on What NOT To Do

I have a mini road trip this weekend -> Ch. Hill, Virginia Beach, DC, Baltimore, INTERVIEW, Ch. Hill, Charlotte, Admission?